Hi from the Sonoma Coast ❤️

 

From Oct-Dec ‘23 I moved through the exposure, pruning and pulling, and then full release of yet another level and hold (!!!!! - what felt like the deepest possible) that the invasive root of striving had on my life and energy. 

On a very human (survival) level: striving to achieve, to arrive, for the sake of feeling fully loved, feeling good enough, feeling secure and free of the pressure I placed on myself and had created as a defense mechanism. 

On a spiritual, divine soul level: striving to BE, to take up my full space in the physical, to experience what I can FEEL is alive in my many dimensions and part of why I am here on Earth. 

As the core of this root system was located and pulled up, I saw how, despite years of pruning and releasing of this same energy, still, in the most subtle of forms, it lurked beneath the surface. It had wrapped itself around every new seed and planting, unconsciously moving me from flow to fear, pressure, attachment and grasping.   

What would begin as a beautiful, pure, heart-connected vision and creation or expression would subtly be flipped on its head, and taken over yet again by pain, survival, and pressure. 

I say subtle over and over because it was so so so subtle at this point. As subtle as a slightly fuzzy filter being placed on a stunningly clear photo, just enough to make you say, “Something feels a little off here”, but you can't quite pinpoint why.

 

The awareness of this striving energy, and how proliferate it was, brought me to my knees, halting me in my tracks. 

While I had been peeling back the striving layers for over 5 years, something within finally said, “This is a DO NOT PASS GO moment. You cannot move forward like this.” 

 I questioned my business and work, yet again, my ‘callings’, my knowings - were they all simply a creation of the mind? Of the need to be or become? Despite my dedication to create and offer from wholeness, was I delusional?!

 I was ready to release it all, yet again, if it wasn't actually born from the heart. 

 I realized the irony, that striving to be and become took me away from seeing and living fully in WHO I AM, of seeing the space I already do take up, of dwelling in the beauty of the life I lead and the power of my journey to HERE.

 

It took weeks of sitting in the unraveling, yet another void, of asking without answers arriving. 

Weeks of mourning for the millions of little-Ellies that didn’t receive what they needed early on, and therefore still believed I must do or be a certain way to receive what I need. To be safe and compelte.

 Weeks of seeing and mourning all of the corners and crevices where striving had made its way into in my life. 

Weeks of mourning how striving had sucked the life force and presence from me and from the women in my lineage, and kept us all from seeing, being, receiving, accepting, loving, living. From freedom. 

I began to tune into the lightning bolt like, system shocking (and then exhausting and depleting) energy that striving created - moving me into action with urgency and adrenaline, reverberating through my root in a way that then ensued shrinking and collapse. 

I was called to days on end of silence, of returning to sit in the unknown and nothingness.  

Of asking, “If I am not moved by, run by, fueled by this striving energy anymore, what does move and fuel me? And what does that feel like?!” 

One day, I had a vision of myself, walking peacefully along a never ending coastline, calm yet energized, savoring every foot print I made in the sand – stopping to build sand castles, take naps, have picnics, chat with strangers, swim, look around in awe with the biggest smile on my face at everything behind me, beneath me, before me, beyond me.  

I felt how the calm ocean next to me lapped up against the shore, carried by a never-ending current, even when it appeared as still as glass.

Just like a heartbeat maintaining life when the body is motion-less.

As mid-December arrived, I began to feel soul responses to my questionings arise. One afternoon as I clicked out of a client session, I asked myself “what does it feel like when I am with my clients?”.

The clearest answer landed instantly;

“It feels like all of me is called to the surface from the depths, like I am gifted the space to experience, lead and guide in FULLNESS - from my playful, f*bomb dropping, booty shaking silliness, to the wisest, clear-seeing, BS-cutting, Spirit sensing, warm and gentle yet radical shamanic vibes.” 

All invited to this human realm to be engaged with, received, offered…together.

It became as clear as that glass-like ocean: this is EllieFlow’s gift to me. She brings all of me fourth in non-sensical, ‘free of the need to be understood’ fashion. To be embodied and offered, and to call the same fullness forth in others through each interaction. 

⛲️ 

Living in this gift is what I am here for.  It is the gift that simultaneously gives and receives, over and over and over, for infinity. 

The simple delight of living here, in this, experiencing this, is ENOUGH.

And it is the basis of all that is to come. 

Yet again, I have been stripped down to the core, stood there naked and bare in tears, and allowed the new to sprout up again. 

Once again, I have been rebirthed.

 

In the last 6-weeks, my well of life-force, previously still hijacked by subtle striving energy, has been reclaimed drop by drop. 

So much aliveness, awe, possibility, delight, creativity, vision pouring through, fountaining up through my system with gentle effervescence, even as I am called to walk with others through the thresholds of Self, life and death.

 

Like the infinite current of the ocean, lapping up against the shore, the Heart pulse guides me forward even when my body is still.


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EP #14. Creating a Conscious Relationship with SELF {Podcast}

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The Frequency of Transformation (An exploration of Shifts, Openings, Awareness & Clarity)