The Untold Unraveling that Catalyzed IT ALL, part 3 (My Story)
Part 3 of my written story is finally ready (down below)! Also, coming out soon on the podcast is a greater exploration of my background (the part leading up to the unraveling that I've been writing and sharing about), as well as an episode where my sister interviews me! I'll let you know when those are out! If you haven't read Part 1, you can find it here. If you haven't read Part 2, you can find it here.
The Untold Unraveling, Part 3
Here's where we left off:
On February 19th, 2021, she died, and a whole new level of unraveling began.
The first 6 months after my mom died were a strange combination of feelings and energies: relief, shock, disorientation, aimlessnes, ungroundedness, exhaustion, as well as incredible presence, moments of joy, hope, and new life.
I now understand something I wasn’t able to understand at the time – if you are spiritually inclined, walking with someone in the last weeks, days, and moments of their life - sitting with them as they take their final breaths - connects you to a dimension much beyond the human realm. It is exhilarating, beyond mental comprehension (but powerfully felt in the heart and body), clarifying, and also, for me, required a bumpy ‘return to Earth’ process.
As I slowly grounded into this new reality without her, nothing that mattered before seemed to mater anymore. Within a month, it was clear to me that I needed to get off of social media and take a sabbatical from work.
I found myself unsure of who I was and what I wanted to do. Approaching the death portal with my mom, then letting her go while we stayed behind, stripped me down to my raw core. It was simultaneously liberating, terrifying, hopeful, and deeply uncomfortable. Anything inauthentic wasn’t an option anymore. I had no room left for trying to maintain any certain image or false notion of value. I began showing up as I was, sharing myself more openly, including my pain and undone-ness.
Whatever I had already grieved before she died (a lot), I had to grieve all over again. I grieved backward, forwards, and present in time. For the parts of my relationship with her that would now never experience full freedom in the physical. For the thousands of me’s I was yet to become that wouldn’t be able to call her to talk. For the precious time that now had to be enough, even though it didn’t feel like it was.
About 6 months after she died, I hit a level of exhaustion I had never experienced before. It was lonely, and the sense of uncertainty still loomed so great. I had to surrender over and over to what I began to call my ‘attuned pace’ - focusing on BEINGinstead of DOING on a whole new level, with trust that it was enough even though I didn’t feel like I fit at all with what others expected or desired for/from me. I had support, and also, I learned how to sit with myself in my deeply unraveled, uncertain, “unfixable” state. Many days I resisted it, many days I accepted it was going to take me longer than I wanted to release the 25 years I had feared my mom’s death to Cancer from my body and being.
Interestingly enough, around the same time, a client was referred to me and we began working together. Our sessions were a highlight of my weeks, an anchor point for the Greater me, for the purpose and flow that still lived within but had been hard to remember in darkness of grief.
After a tumultuous first birthday and holiday season, late January 2022 seemed to bring some of the renewed energy, hope and focus I had been yearning for. But then February, the one year anniversary month, brought a whole new level of grief energy that felt derailing. However, hitting the one year mark seemed to catapult us (me and my whole family) into a new stage or grief and life.
Each new month began to nudge me out of my healing cocoon, and I very very slowly began to regain my energy more consistently. We traveled to Chile to see my in-laws for the first time since the pandemic, I went back to Yoga (and full-on cried the moment I stepped on my mat), and then a series of other travel plans and big initiations began with summer.
March through August felt like a full on rapid expansion of my capacity, and I began to understand how my sabbatical year and grief had amplified my capacity and being in tremendous ways. In the middle of that time period, I shared EllieFlow publicly in early June (I wrote a lot more about that for the 1st EllieFlow birthday last year, you can read it here).
The second half of 2022 was dedicated to integrating the expansion that had just ensued - integrating being visibly IN life again for the first time since the loss and pandemic. New waves of grief came, especially around never getting to be this growing, expanding version of me with my mom.
As I settled into myself more, one by one, business ideas starting coming back. Not surprisingly, the same ideas I had or implanted into my first business expression were returning, asking to be reborn from this more authentic place of service. The podcast, programs like Born Through Grief, and a future membership all swirled, but I knew it wasn’t quite time yet. So once again, I stayed the course of the season I was in the best I could (often wanting to be beyond where I was, before exhaling and grounding into right where I was again, with loving surrender to the timeline).
As the second year anniversary approached, I remember feeling so incredibly different from the year before, it was hard to grasp. I felt so much more alive. Accepting how much had been lost on the path to becoming more vibrant was painful.
On the day of the anniversary, I had a powerful spiritual moment at our yoga class, understanding my strength, resilience, and rebirth on a new level. That night I went to a Maggie Rogers concert and sang and danced my heart out, remembering how two winters before I had listened to her as I cried on the drives to and from visits with my mom in her final weeks.
After 2 years of cycling through the Release, Void, and Emergence phases of transformation that I teach about on this podcast episode, I was touching into the I AM ALIVE phase. What a RELIEF it was.
This past year(+) brought new layers of pain and uncertainty to move with, as well as the need to come to terms with what the past 5 years have been and required. I have deepened into the trust that I will experience the beautiful motherhood and career milestones my friends have, but it will be on a different timeline (MY timeline), in a different order than what’s considered “normal” by society.
Overall, it has been a year of grounding into the HERE I AM.
As my feet have planted more firmly back into my humanness, what were simply ideas swirling before slowly became tangible parts of life and work. First the podcast, then a call to own my sensitivity, wisdom, and impact more unabashedly, followed by invitation after invitation to hone my voice and truly claim my focus and desires without doubting myself, others in my life, or the possibilities.
In many moments I have prayed and waited, feeling my deepened relationship to the unknown supporting the uncertain moments. In others, I’ve said no to what’s not for me, and a bigger yes to what is. As I have, more delight, excitement, vision, and energy has been born within through the process.
The wild ride of life continues and I have no doubt will bring endless lessons and up levels (Part 4, 5, and 6 to come in the next few year 😉), and I continue to be humbled by what this journey has led me through so far.
While nothing, especially not losing my mom, is justifiable, I am immensely grateful for the pain that has pushed me to my edges and asked me to look it in the eyes, lovingly. I truly have been born and shaped through grief, and gifted more access to my fullness in the process.
Today I am honored to walk alongside others as they traverse their own dark valleys to reconnect to their Life and light.
Thank you for reading! If you feel called to share anything that’s stirring after sitting with this, please do! I absolutely LOVE hearing from you.
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