Writing & transmissions
The Loneliest I’ve ever been
Grief is one of the loneliest walks on earth. Every story and experience is so different. Every relationship unmatched. Every human so unique. And yet, everyone experiences this pain someway, somehow.
For years, while my mom went through cancer treatment, I watched others around me living their lives seemingly innocently and freely while I felt hopeless, heavy and alone, often thinking,
“Nobody gets it. No one knows what this feels like – to feel the weight of the unknown deep in my gut. To feel like I can’t make plans for my life or fully commit myself to the things I desire to experience because it could all take a turn at any moment, and then what will become of my life?! Of me?!”.
Even though I was doing a lot, I felt like I couldn’t give my full attention…
Grief is one of the loneliest walks on earth. Every story and experience is so different. Every relationship unmatched. Every human so unique. And yet, everyone experiences this pain someway, somehow.
For years, while my mom went through cancer treatment, I watched others around me living their lives seemingly innocently and freely while I felt hopeless, heavy and alone, often thinking,
“Nobody gets it. No one knows what this feels like – to feel the weight of the unknown deep in my gut. To feel like I can’t make plans for my life or fully commit myself to the things I desire to experience because it could all take a turn at any moment, and then what will become of my life?! Of me?!”.
Even though I was doing a lot, I felt like I couldn’t give my full attention where I truly wanted because at any moment a matter of life and death could require me to drop everything. I searched for ways to anchor myself into a bright, exciting feeling future that I sooo badly wanted to believe could be possible.
But with the life and well-being of one of the most important people in my life on the line, trying to create a shiny vision for the future felt frivolous and fake.
I was a master at hiding my worry, anxiety, and fear, a master of appearing to ‘have my ish together’, but on the inside I remember so many days feeling dull, half alive, my mind swirling and my body lethargic. As I denied my pain, grief and the impending doom of potential loss that often felt present, I tried to put my focus elsewhere and “just be happy, live in the moment”. But the suppressed emotions found their own way out - oozing through my skin as stress rashes on my eyelids and neck, appearing as sore throats and mystery illnesses, and sometimes even causing nausea that kept me from eating for a few days.
I pumped myself with caffeine hoping to feel something again and to find the energy to power through. I found a million things to distract myself with, from fitness classes to my business to going to Barnes and Nobel to buy more personal development books I’d never finish. Anything that would save me from what I was feeling inside.
I remember so many days trying to ‘just be normal’, trying to take the steps it seemed I should be taking, but I when I allowed myself to get still and just be, tears welled in my eyes and it all felt shallow and hallow. What I really felt was despair. Hopelessness. Lost. Exhausted. Alone.
I really wanted to do was lie on the floor or in my bed for hours, hoping the day would pass and tomorrow would feel different.
When my mom died, the loneliness hit another level. To know that no one else in the world knew my exact pain meant that I wouldn’t likely hear the perfect words I yearned to hear from anyone else, which was devastating to realize.
No one else would be able to console me fully.
No one else would know what I needed and how to perfectly take care of me.
I would have to learn how to meet myself in this loneliness and console myself.
That alone made me so angry.
In every moment of my early grief journey, I craved to be understood. Even though I was terrified to let anyone see what a mess I was inside, all I wanted was to be fully known in the pain of everything I had lost (even my before my mom died) as it felt like it was swallowing me whole.
I yearned to feel someone’s hand reach through the darkness to grab mine, offering me something to hold on to, to know where ‘up’ was so I could find my feet under me again amid the whirlwind of tears, anger, and inability to imagine how I would ever be ok again.
Gratefully, those hands lovingly appeared when I got vulnerable enough to share how I really felt and asked for help. No one tried to save me because they knew the importance of what I was living. But they sat with me and guided me in finding my center again, in feeling and releasing the buildup of emotions I was so masterful at holding in, often unknowingly. And most importantly, they saw me and loved me in my brokenness, in my cracked-openness.
They listened not only through the tears and confusion, they listened to the pain, growth and guidance that were alive deep within me. They witnessed me in heartache without rushing me or diminishing my current experience, while also holding a higher vision for my life and who I would still become, despite it all.
Some of these hands were of dear friends. Others of family members. Others of therapists, coaches and mentors.
As each reached a hand out to meet me, I stepped forward a little more to meet myself. And little by little the gaping whole of loneliness felt less suffocating.
Instead of walking up each morning feeling paralyzed by the monumental task of walking through another day knowing I was ultimately alone in my experience, I began to feel stable enough to make a home within myself, where my wellbeing didn’t depend on if others got it, understood, or met me. I was able to sit up on my bed each morning, put a hand to my heart and say,
“I know this is soo scary and lonely. I know you crave to hear someone tell you you will be ok, that you will LIVE fully again, that life will be good again. I know it would be so much easier to stay in bed, and I also know you are resilient and stronger than you realize. I know you haven’t actually died with your mom, even though it feels like you did. And I know there is something available here for you today because you are still alive. You don’t need to go fast, you can go at your own pace. Just one step, one moment, at a time.”
I learned how to listen to myself - to my grief and my soul. I learned how to speak those perfect words to the parts of me that needed consoling. I began to sense, feel, and welcome in the woman I would become through this experience even though I had no idea what she would be like, and I regained enough strength and hope to take little steps toward being her.
Slowly, I had the energy to begin to put my new website together and to dream about my business again, to work with new clients, to travel and to begin family therapy with my dad and sister.
I still needed others of course, I still needed loved ones to open and meet me as I had opened and met myself. Because I was no longer needing the impossible - for them to say or do the perfect thing - I was able to receive the love and company that they could offer. I began to see the imperfect beauty of each person in my life with more awe and gratitude, accepting them as they were and laughing and crying with them about life more freely.
I was met with sweet softness and companionship from my husband, holding me and listening as I vulnerably shared my fears and longings. I received little gifts in the mail and unexpected phone calls and texts from friends that brought me to tears and evoked big belly laughs.
Years have since passed, but through it all, a devotion brewed in my heart: to become the one that can see through the dark and offer a loving hand when nothing else can be seen or determined, when the unknown feels as lonely, stifling and terrifying as a pitch black endless maze.
To become the one whose very presence offers you safety and space to take a breath, open, feel, and listen to your inner needs and knowings.
To become the one that lovingly witnesses you in your pain, through the brokenness of your heart, knowing that with time, your pain will not define you like it does now, and you are becoming someone greater than you could ever imagine as you embrace your path.
Today, I am humbled and honored to embody this devotion everyday, to be able to offer my hand to you in the loneliest moments you could ever walk, as a lantern of hope, warmth, healing, and support when you fear this will be how life feels forever.
I offer my hand and guidance as you find your way out of the dark so you have the energy and support to:
> Travel to see your friends and family without feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, or afraid of how they will see or respond to who you are now;
> Bravely share that piece of writing you’ve been wanting to put on Substack and begin to build connection and community there;
> Speak up and share your heart with loved ones from a grounded energy of self-love and respect;
> Get on the apps again or walk up to that cute human making eyes at you at the park and ask for their number;
> Try to get pregnant [again];
> Leave your job, start your own company, and land your first clients;
> Go back to school and begin your dream career…
What's on your heart? What have you needed to push to the sidelines due to grief and loss that you crave to have the energy and support in your life to reclaim?
I offer you my hand.
Are you ready to take it?
Book your first 1:1 session here.
Join The Sanctuary Membership here.
Listen to the Transformed By Grief Podcast
Big Updates To The Sanctuary Membership
I am so excited to share some amazing Sanctuary Membership updates with you!
In mid-winter, I got the nudge to start creating a space where you can sink into your own sacred tending, liberated expression process, with deep, heart-centered support as you walk through the highs and lows of your journey.
Each month has brought refinement and updating, and while the doors opened almost a month ago, that process has not ceased…
I am so excited to share some amazing Sanctuary Membership updates with you!
In mid-winter, I got the nudge to start creating a space where you can sink into your own sacred tending, liberated expression process, with deep, heart-centered support as you walk through the highs and lows of your journey.
Each month has brought refinement and updating, and while the doors opened almost a month ago, that process has not ceased! The energy of Spring carried The Sanctuary into form, and this week, as we crossed the threshold into Summer, beautiful CLARITY + SIMPLICITY flooded in around the most alive ways to support each member as you enter and grow in this community.
So, starting NOW, there are a few essential (and really abundant feeling) changes going into effect in the membership:
WHAT'S NEW & CHANGING:
#1
The Oasis + Bliss membership tiers have been blended together to create one amazing offering. Now, all members have access to ALL OF THE CALLS each month, including the group coaching/mentorship calls.
#2
There will now be 3 Live Sacred Tending Group Coaching Calls offered each month + 1 Live Grieve + Release Flow call per month for maximum support and guidance.
You can explore each call type here. All calls will be recorded if you can't join live.
#3
Starting tomorrow (6/23) at 5pm ET / 4pm CT / 2pm PT the updated founding member price (lasting through 8/14) will be increasing to $55/month.
So, from now on, as a member, you'll now have access to:
+ 3 Live Sacred Tending group Coaching & Support Calls Each Month
90-120 minutes each, hosted on Zoom
Through guided self-inquiry, intuitive awareness, energetic exploration, and conscious emotional engagement these heart-opening, clarity inducing coaching and support calls will create space for your inner breakthroughs, multi-dimensional healing, and energetic shifts. I'll share reflections and teachings that feel relevant and then will guide you in working with any thoughts, emotions, energetic blocks and resistance arising in your life. As you explore and tend to the root of what’s occurring, you will tap into a renewal of authentic expression. There will be ample space to receive direct and tailored coaching around anything you’re desiring support around.
+ 1 Live Grief Flow Each Month
90ish minutes each, hosted on Zoom
A lot can come up each month as you consciously engage with your non-linear growth, becoming, healing, and soul-led evolution. Grief Flow calls give space for any grief or other emotions moving within to process through your body and energy. With meditation, intuitive movement, journaling, and space to be witnessed and supported, you will access renewed opening, freedom, reverence, and intuitive guidance through all parts of your process. These calls are extremely powerful if you are actively grieving the loss of a loved one, as well as if you are simply feeling a lot as they move through your life and path (the challenges and the beauty). They will deepen you into greater compassion, self-acceptance and self-love, and connection with yourSelf and Life.
+ A private, community forum to connect, share, integrate + ask questions
Walking a conscious and connected path with yourself and Life can feel lonely, so built into your membership is a community forum where you can ask questions, share reflections, dreams, edges you’re coming up against, healing moments, and more. This is also a place where I'll pop in weekly to offer extra support and reflections between calls.
+ Intuitively shared bonuses
Including but not limited to discounts on other EllieFlow offerings, intuitively shared bonus podcast episodes, special bonus events throughout the year, + more!
*All live calls will be recorded and you will have access to the recordings within 48hrs after the call, incase you can’t make it live.
You can explore The Sanctuary more here.
When you join, you'll also have immediate access to the full audio + video recordings to ALL sessions so far, both Sacred Tending Mentorship calls and Grief Flows, begin exploring immediately.
Both calls types are extremely powerful and nourishing, and will leave you feeling more connected to your wholeness, renewed clarity, and permission to be exactly where you are on your path (an important key to transformation that is often overlooked!).
Also, one great thing about this update to The Sanctuary is that you will be able to join the monthly Grieve + Release Flows even if you're not a member! The price for non-members to join will be $33/flow starting in July. I'll share more as the next one approaches.
Feeling the call to 1:1 work? Begin here.
Join The Sanctuary Membership here.
Moving through an inner or outer shift or transition? Access the Make Space for the New Workshop for immediate support.
Tap into more medicinal nuggets on the podcast: Listen Now.
Begin Your free ‘Awaken Your Flow’ Journey
Move through the latest Grief Flow on your own time here.
Grief Flows: Allow Yourself To Grieve + Heal
Grief Flows are an essential part of The Sanctuary because every time you say yes to grief or deep emotion, you create space for healing and evolution – as you engage, energy is liberated and the next wave, action, or state of being that wants to come through is allowed to emerge and lead you forward…
Every time you allow yourself to grieve backwards, forwards, present in time, you heal backwards, forwards, present in time.
Grief Flows are an essential part of The Sanctuary because every time you say yes to grief or deep emotion, you create space for healing and evolution – as you engage, energy is liberated and the next wave, action, or state of being that wants to come through is allowed to emerge and lead you forward.
Every second you open to a seemingly gentle or catastrophic feeling wave of grief, pain or even joy and pleasure, you allow your energy to come more current to this moment, to the YOU you are right now. You allow in more sensation, connection, and openness to life.
Grief and other deep emotions are so easy to overlook or override in this world, but every time you recognize them, every time you name them and allow them to reveal themselves to you more wholly – every time you answer the door to say hello when they knock, and then invite them in for even a moment – your trust in your ability to meet yourSelf and life more fully grows.
Your trust in your ability to open to love and evolution transforms.
Whether you are actively grieving a loss or simply can feel a lot of energy and emotion (anywhere on the spectrum) alive in your life right now, Grief Flows invite presence, love, and reverence to the fullness of your current experience, and create space for you to move with anything that is ready to be processed and transmuted, so the next layer of embodiment, clarity, permission, healing or freedom can emerge.
Through meditation, intuitive movement, journaling, witnessing and support, you will tap into your own intuitive guidance and connect with renewed lightness and freedom within. These calls will support you in deepening into greater compassion, acceptance and love (for yourself and beyond).
Grief Flows are now happening monthly in The Sanctuary (Join as a founding member for $55/month) and non-members are also able to join for $33 per Flow.
Become member here (for weekly calls and support) or sign up for the next Grief Flow as a non-member here.
EXPLORE THE SANCTUARY MEMBERSHIP
The Sanctuary was designed to be your sacred place to arrive, exhale, and fully BE – to exit out of any reality that has you feeling drained, disconnected, un-met, numb, striving, surviving, dull or uncentered so you can enter into the vibrancy of your being and process, no matter what highs or lows you are navigating.
As you step into this oasis, you instantly reconnect with your Self – Mind, Body, & Spirit – so you can access the presence, wisdom, clarity, healing, and possibility alive within.
This is your space to anchor into your heart and evolution, so that you can walk more fully in the world,
OFFERING AND RECEIVING ALL THAT YOU CAME HERE FOR.
**While there is absolutely no commitment required when joining the sanctuary, I do recommend considering being a member for at least 3 months, as this is deep and potent work, which will meet you in your process week after week with tremendous support. This is NOT a quick fix, but a beautiful process of releasing, restoring, and becoming, and there is no pre-determined timeline for this!
Feeling the call to 1:1 work? Begin here.
Join The Sanctuary Membership here.
Moving through an inner or outer shift or transition? Access the Make Space for the New Workshop for immediate support.
Tap into more medicinal nuggets on the podcast: Listen Now.
Begin Your free ‘Awaken Your Flow’ Journey
Move through the latest Grief Flow on your own time here.
The Sanctuary Membership Opening Ceremony {Free Acess}
You can now access an audio-only version of the The Sanctuary Membership opening call here (free). This was an incredibly beautiful call that felt like a nourishing yet activating ceremony to awaken the fullness and shifts that are ready to be felt and lived through the members.
Right before we began, I was doing some automatic writing and the message that came through was, “Walk in love – in the love that fills and leads you – and allow yourself to be fully here, for this is a beautiful beginning.” At first I thought the message was just for me, but as the call unfolded, it became clear it was for the whole community and I want to share it with you.
Walk in love – in the love that fills you and leads you – and allow yourself to be fully here, for this is a beautiful beginning.
You can now access an audio-only version of the The Sanctuary Membership opening call here (free). This was an incredibly beautiful call that felt like a nourishing and gently activating ceremony to awaken the fullness and shifts that are ready to be felt and lived through the members.
Right before we began, I was doing some automatic writing and the message that came through was, “Walk in love – in the love that fills and leads you – and allow yourself to be fully here, for this is a beautiful beginning.” At first I thought the message was just for me, but as the call unfolded, it became clear it was for the whole community and I want to share it with you.
In the recording, I lead you through a process of growing your awareness, understanding and sensational connection to your physical and energetic bodies, your intellect, your emotional self, and your Higher/Soul self (or Greater Being), as well as how they all interact and move together.
This is a basis for the on-going inner mastery work that will be explored in our future Sacred Tending, Liberated Expression calls in The Sanctuary. You'll get a feel for how your energy, state, and being is ready to shift as you engage it more wholly. Think more spaciousness and fluidity!
Normally, these recordings will only be available to members, so I edited out the parts where I worked directly with a member feeling like grief and pain had blocked her connection to her Soul Self.
It is 1hr and 11minutes long, and requests presence, so my suggestion would be to engage while on a connective solo-walk, or while sitting down with a journal and pen in a safe and quiet space. Bask in the beauty ready to unfold within you, and within The Sanctuary. You can listen from any device.
Get access here by pressing the GET NOW button and putting in your info, and you will be granted free access to the edited audio version of the call for 48hrs (the 48hrs begins the moment you gain access).
EXPLORE THE SANCTUARY MEMBERSHIP
The Sanctuary was designed to be your sacred place to arrive, exhale, and fully BE – to exit out of any reality that has you feeling drained, disconnected, un-met, numb, striving, surviving, dull or uncentered so you can enter into the vibrancy of your being and process, no matter what highs or lows you are navigating.
As you step into this oasis, you instantly reconnect with your Self – Mind, Body, & Spirit – so you can access the presence, wisdom, clarity, healing, and possibility alive within.
This is your space to anchor into your heart and evolution, so that you can walk more fully in the world,
OFFERING AND RECEIVING ALL THAT YOU CAME HERE FOR.
WHAT YOU'LL FIND INSIDE
MONTHLY SACRED TENDING + LIBERATED EXPRESSION CALLS
90 MINS, LIVE + ALWAYS RECORDED
+
MONTHLY GRIEVE + RELEASE FLOWS
90 MINS, LIVE + ALWAYS RECORDED
+
MONTHLY MENTORSHIP CALLS (FOR BLISS LEVEL MEMBERS ONLY)
90-120 MINS, LIVE + ALWAYS RECORDED
+
A COMMUNITY FORUM TO SHARE, ASK QUESTIONS, & CONNECT
WITH WEEKLY SUPPORT CHECK-INS FROM ME
+
INTUITIVELY SHARED BONUSES
LIKE DISCOUNTS, PRIVATE PODCASTS EPISODES, SPECIAL EVENTS THROUGHOUT THE YEAR + MORE
JUNE 2024 CALL SCHEDULE
*Every call will be hosted on Zoom, recorded and uploaded within 48hrs if you are unable to join live
OPENING SACRED TENDING + LIBERATED EXPRESSION CALL: LAYING THE FOUNDATION
Wednesday, June 5th @ 5pm ET / 2pm PT
GRIEVE + RELEASE FLOW
Wednesday, June 19th @ 5pm ET / 2pm PT
BLISS MEMBER MENTORSHIP CALL
Thursday, June 27th @1pm ET / 10am PT
Feeling the call to 1:1 work? Begin here.
Join The Sanctuary Membership here.
Moving through an inner or outer shift or transition? Access the Make Space for the New Workshop for immediate support.
Tap into more medicinal nuggets on the podcast: Listen Now.
The Untold Unraveling that Catalyzed IT ALL, part 3 (My Story)
Part 3 of my written story is finally ready (down below)!
The first 6 months after my mom died were a strange combination of feelings and energies: relief, shock, disorientation, aimlessnes, ungroundedness, exhaustion, as well as incredible presence, moments of joy, hope, and new life.
I now understand something I wasn’t able to understand at the time…
Part 3 of my written story is finally ready (down below)! Also, coming out soon on the podcast is a greater exploration of my background (the part leading up to the unraveling that I've been writing and sharing about), as well as an episode where my sister interviews me! I'll let you know when those are out! If you haven't read Part 1, you can find it here. If you haven't read Part 2, you can find it here.
The Untold Unraveling, Part 3
Here's where we left off:
On February 19th, 2021, she died, and a whole new level of unraveling began.
The first 6 months after my mom died were a strange combination of feelings and energies: relief, shock, disorientation, aimlessnes, ungroundedness, exhaustion, as well as incredible presence, moments of joy, hope, and new life.
I now understand something I wasn’t able to understand at the time – if you are spiritually inclined, walking with someone in the last weeks, days, and moments of their life - sitting with them as they take their final breaths - connects you to a dimension much beyond the human realm. It is exhilarating, beyond mental comprehension (but powerfully felt in the heart and body), clarifying, and also, for me, required a bumpy ‘return to Earth’ process.
As I slowly grounded into this new reality without her, nothing that mattered before seemed to mater anymore. Within a month, it was clear to me that I needed to get off of social media and take a sabbatical from work.
I found myself unsure of who I was and what I wanted to do. Approaching the death portal with my mom, then letting her go while we stayed behind, stripped me down to my raw core. It was simultaneously liberating, terrifying, hopeful, and deeply uncomfortable. Anything inauthentic wasn’t an option anymore. I had no room left for trying to maintain any certain image or false notion of value. I began showing up as I was, sharing myself more openly, including my pain and undone-ness.
Whatever I had already grieved before she died (a lot), I had to grieve all over again. I grieved backward, forwards, and present in time. For the parts of my relationship with her that would now never experience full freedom in the physical. For the thousands of me’s I was yet to become that wouldn’t be able to call her to talk. For the precious time that now had to be enough, even though it didn’t feel like it was.
About 6 months after she died, I hit a level of exhaustion I had never experienced before. It was lonely, and the sense of uncertainty still loomed so great. I had to surrender over and over to what I began to call my ‘attuned pace’ - focusing on BEINGinstead of DOING on a whole new level, with trust that it was enough even though I didn’t feel like I fit at all with what others expected or desired for/from me. I had support, and also, I learned how to sit with myself in my deeply unraveled, uncertain, “unfixable” state. Many days I resisted it, many days I accepted it was going to take me longer than I wanted to release the 25 years I had feared my mom’s death to Cancer from my body and being.
Interestingly enough, around the same time, a client was referred to me and we began working together. Our sessions were a highlight of my weeks, an anchor point for the Greater me, for the purpose and flow that still lived within but had been hard to remember in darkness of grief.
After a tumultuous first birthday and holiday season, late January 2022 seemed to bring some of the renewed energy, hope and focus I had been yearning for. But then February, the one year anniversary month, brought a whole new level of grief energy that felt derailing. However, hitting the one year mark seemed to catapult us (me and my whole family) into a new stage or grief and life.
Each new month began to nudge me out of my healing cocoon, and I very very slowly began to regain my energy more consistently. We traveled to Chile to see my in-laws for the first time since the pandemic, I went back to Yoga (and full-on cried the moment I stepped on my mat), and then a series of other travel plans and big initiations began with summer.
March through August felt like a full on rapid expansion of my capacity, and I began to understand how my sabbatical year and grief had amplified my capacity and being in tremendous ways. In the middle of that time period, I shared EllieFlow publicly in early June (I wrote a lot more about that for the 1st EllieFlow birthday last year, you can read it here).
The second half of 2022 was dedicated to integrating the expansion that had just ensued - integrating being visibly IN life again for the first time since the loss and pandemic. New waves of grief came, especially around never getting to be this growing, expanding version of me with my mom.
As I settled into myself more, one by one, business ideas starting coming back. Not surprisingly, the same ideas I had or implanted into my first business expression were returning, asking to be reborn from this more authentic place of service. The podcast, programs like Born Through Grief, and a future membership all swirled, but I knew it wasn’t quite time yet. So once again, I stayed the course of the season I was in the best I could (often wanting to be beyond where I was, before exhaling and grounding into right where I was again, with loving surrender to the timeline).
As the second year anniversary approached, I remember feeling so incredibly different from the year before, it was hard to grasp. I felt so much more alive. Accepting how much had been lost on the path to becoming more vibrant was painful.
On the day of the anniversary, I had a powerful spiritual moment at our yoga class, understanding my strength, resilience, and rebirth on a new level. That night I went to a Maggie Rogers concert and sang and danced my heart out, remembering how two winters before I had listened to her as I cried on the drives to and from visits with my mom in her final weeks.
After 2 years of cycling through the Release, Void, and Emergence phases of transformation that I teach about on this podcast episode, I was touching into the I AM ALIVE phase. What a RELIEF it was.
This past year(+) brought new layers of pain and uncertainty to move with, as well as the need to come to terms with what the past 5 years have been and required. I have deepened into the trust that I will experience the beautiful motherhood and career milestones my friends have, but it will be on a different timeline (MY timeline), in a different order than what’s considered “normal” by society.
Overall, it has been a year of grounding into the HERE I AM.
As my feet have planted more firmly back into my humanness, what were simply ideas swirling before slowly became tangible parts of life and work. First the podcast, then a call to own my sensitivity, wisdom, and impact more unabashedly, followed by invitation after invitation to hone my voice and truly claim my focus and desires without doubting myself, others in my life, or the possibilities.
In many moments I have prayed and waited, feeling my deepened relationship to the unknown supporting the uncertain moments. In others, I’ve said no to what’s not for me, and a bigger yes to what is. As I have, more delight, excitement, vision, and energy has been born within through the process.
The wild ride of life continues and I have no doubt will bring endless lessons and up levels (Part 4, 5, and 6 to come in the next few year 😉), and I continue to be humbled by what this journey has led me through so far.
While nothing, especially not losing my mom, is justifiable, I am immensely grateful for the pain that has pushed me to my edges and asked me to look it in the eyes, lovingly. I truly have been born and shaped through grief, and gifted more access to my fullness in the process.
Today I am honored to walk alongside others as they traverse their own dark valleys to reconnect to their Life and light.
Thank you for reading! If you feel called to share anything that’s stirring after sitting with this, please do! I absolutely LOVE hearing from you.
Feeling the call to 1:1 work? Begin here.
Hungry to deepen into your becoming with guidance and community? Join The Sanctuary Membership
Moving through an inner or outer shift or transition? Access the Make Space for the New Workshop for immediate support.
Tap into more medicinal nuggets on the podcast: Listen Now.
Easeful Connection and Nourishment
I’m currently at the end of a trip to Colorado visiting some of my best friends from college. While I am not ready to leave them, I woke up today so excited to kick off this membership community with the first Sacred Tending + Liberated Expression call on Wednesday, at 5pm ET / 2pm PT.
I planned this to be a special opening call that helps you lay the foundation for cultivating a deep, intimate, loving relationship with yourself and life, in the joyous and painful times (and everything in between).
Have you taken a moment to feel into The Sanctuary Membership yet?! If not, I highly recommend doing so. This unique new offering is so rich and inviting, and the opportunity to join as founding member at an exclusive rate is something you will NOT want to miss!
I’m currently at the end of a trip to Colorado visiting some of my best friends from college. While I am not ready to leave them, I woke up today so excited to kick off this membership community with the first Sacred Tending + Liberated Expression call on Wednesday, at 5pm ET / 2pm PT.
I planned this to be a special opening call that helps you lay the foundation for cultivating a deep, intimate, loving relationship with yourself and life, in the joyous and painful times (and everything in between).
I will guide you through grounding into your physical and energetic body, dancing with your intellect (and all its stories), witnessing your emotional self with presence and compassion, and opening to your wise, inner knowing and essence.
It will feel easeful, connective, nourishing, and bring you into embodied fullness.
Any parts of you that have gone overlooked will be given permission to take up space, and the awareness of your inner world will support enlightened vision and understanding for how to move through this month in the most alive and true way for you.
Become a founding member and join me for this first call on Wednesday! (Everything will be recorded too so if you can’t make it live, you can engage on your own time).
From now until 6/19, you can join at the OASIS membership level for $33/month (normally $44/month), and at the BLISS membership level for $55/ month (normally $77/month).
The Sanctuary was designed to be your sacred place to arrive, exhale, and fully BE – to exit out of any reality that has you feeling drained, disconnected, un-met, numb, striving, surviving, dull or uncentered so you can enter into the vibrancy of your being and process, no matter what highs or lows you are navigating.
As you step into this oasis, you instantly reconnect with your Self – Mind, Body, & Spirit – so you can access the presence, wisdom, clarity, healing, and possibility alive within.
This is your space to anchor into your heart and evolution, so that you can walk more fully in the world,
OFFERING AND RECEIVING ALL THAT YOU CAME HERE FOR.
WHAT YOU'LL FIND INSIDE
MONTHLY SACRED TENDING + LIBERATED EXPRESSION CALLS
90 MINS, LIVE + ALWAYS RECORDED
+
MONTHLY GRIEVE + RELEASE FLOWS
90 MINS, LIVE + ALWAYS RECORDED
+
MONTHLY MENTORSHIP CALLS (FOR BLISS LEVEL MEMBERS ONLY)
90-120 MINS, LIVE + ALWAYS RECORDED
+
A COMMUNITY FORUM TO SHARE, ASK QUESTIONS, & CONNECT
WITH WEEKLY SUPPORT CHECK-INS FROM ME
+
INTUITIVELY SHARED BONUSES
LIKE DISCOUNTS, PRIVATE PODCASTS EPISODES, SPECIAL EVENTS THROUGHOUT THE YEAR + MORE
JUNE 2024 CALL SCHEDULE
*Every call will be hosted on Zoom, recorded and uploaded within 48hrs if you are unable to join live
OPENING SACRED TENDING + LIBERATED EXPRESSION CALL: LAYING THE FOUNDATION
Wednesday, June 5th @ 5pm ET / 2pm PT
GRIEVE + RELEASE FLOW
Wednesday, June 19th @ 5pm ET / 2pm PT
BLISS MEMBER MENTORSHIP CALL
Thursday, June 27th @1pm ET / 10am PT
Feeling the call to 1:1 work? Begin here.
Join The Sanctuary Membership here.
Moving through an inner or outer shift or transition? Access the Make Space for the New Workshop for immediate support.
Tap into more medicinal nuggets on the podcast: Listen Now.
Welcome to The Sanctuary Membership
The Sanctuary Membership is here!
This is your space to BE present with yourSelf and Life.
This is your space to be transformed as it awakens new and greater aspects of your being.
The Sanctuary Membership doors are open!!
The Sanctuary first came to me in the depths 2021, the year after my mom died. I imagined a place where everyone on a transformational journey, or that desired to engage with their path and Self consciously, could come together in community to meet, tend, and move with ALL of life – the seasons of joy, expansion and excitement, AND the seasons of heartbreak, pain an grief (and the seasons where it all layered together).
I was obviously not in a place to lead this space at that time, but over and over, the energy of The Sanctuary has shown me how instrumental and important it is, and has continued to reveal its updated shapes and forms throughout the seasons since.
This winter, talking with one of my best friends as she navigated a season of “liminal soup” (her brilliant words to describe the simultaneous season of grief and shedding, as well as emergence she was in), The Sanctuary clarified on a whole new level and it was clear now was the time to build and open this community.
The Sanctuary Membership offers so much richness, with two membership levels that offer at least two live, guided calls per month (and the option to join an additional 2hr group mentorship call for those that desire to work with me more closely).
I want to give you time and space to explore it all, so when you're ready,
grab a cup of something yummy and dive in.
Feeling the call to 1:1 work? Begin here.
Join The Sanctuary Membership here.
Moving through an inner or outer shift or transition? Access the Make Space for the New Workshop for immediate support.
Tap into more medicinal nuggets on the podcast: Listen Now.
The Untold Unraveling that Catalyzed IT ALL, part 2 (My Story)
In the meantime, I've continued to write my story, and part 2 (of 3) is ready for you today. Finding words to share everything that was stirring within for me in 2020 was a challenge. It was a year of profound exploration and emergence, as well as terrifying unknowns for the world and our family.
So much was coming to life that didn't fit with the outer reality yet, but it was a profoundly beautiful year for me personally, as I touched into a sense of inner aliveness I had never accessed before…
Life is a portal for transformation. If we are willing to meet it with openness and reverence, if we are willing to make space to be with what’s here right now and trust, the next door on our path will open as we do.
Hi First name / there,
Guess what?! The Sanctuary Membership Doors are opening tomorrow (5/29) at 12pm Central Time! 🎉⛲️😭🙌🏻
I am so excited to welcome you in, to have this special realm and community for Sacred Tending and Liberated Expression available to you on your journey.
Tomorrow I will share all about it, including the special founding member pricing and our first LIVE Sanctuary Session happening next week!
In the meantime, I've continued to write my story, and part 2 (of 3) is ready for you today. Finding words to share everything that was stirring within for me in 2020 was a challenge. It was a year of profound exploration and emergence, as well as terrifying unknowns for the world and our family.
So much was coming to life that didn't fit with the outer reality yet, but it was a profoundly beautiful year for me personally, as I touched into a sense of inner aliveness I had never accessed before. The seeds of who I am now, and the work I offer today with my clients, in programs, on the podcast, and in The Sanctuary, were defined and planted then, yet there was so much left to live before I could walk this path fully.
The Untold Unraveling, Part 2
If you haven't read Part 1, you can find it here.
Here's where we left off: Knowing that I LOVED working 1:1 with clients as a nutritionist, and was profoundly inspired and impacted by the transformational and energetic process I had been engaged in over the last few years, I began to dissolve my nutrition-focused work in late 2019 and was intuitively led to enroll in the Center for Transformational Coaching’s Deep Coaching Intensive (DCI) practitioner certification program in January 2020. A live cohort of 24 of us from all over the world began to meet weekly, taking two hour live classes each Wednesday evening. I’ll never forget Leon, the Center’s founder and renowned Deep Transformational Coach, introducing us to the philosophy of Deep Transformational Coaching in the first class, and my whole heart and being vibrating with “Woah, this is it, this is what I’m meant to do.”
One of the foundational philosophies of Deep Coaching that spoke to me immediately, and remains a foundation of everything I do and offer, is that our authentic, vibrant, Divine energy, our Spiritual Heart and wholeness (enter 5 thousand different possible names for this) exists at the core of our being already - who we are, our most true and vital nature is alive NOW within us. The role of the Deep Coach is to set the space with this recognition and sensitivity to (what I like to call) the ‘Greater Being’, without an agenda. Once the space is set, and the client has been guided into deeper connection, the coach invites the client to share what is arising for them, and trusts whatever is there is the perfect entrance to whatever needs tending, processing, releasing, etc.
As a session unfolds, a powerful energetic release and shift can occur, in organic timing. The client has space to unravel whatever conditioning, emotions, beliefs, pain, or blocks, and as they do, the natural flow of their being is liberated more and more. They can begin to embody their wholeness and effortless vitality – their light, essence…(whatever you like to call it). As this occurs more and more, a transformation of being - a return to the authentic Self - can begin to unfold, not only in their inner world, but in how they live, relate to, and approach all of Life.
(This is the root and essence of EllieFlow’s tagline, “Sacred Tending, Liberated Expression”.)
This philosophy described exactly what I had been living over the past 1.5 years, and I breathed this awareness in with incredible RELIEF! No force was needed, no mind based expectations or ideas of who I needed to be or what I needed to do were necessary (truly radial to someone that had been unconsciously calculating this my enter life previously). All that was required for continued transformation (for me and my future clients) was the willingness and space to connect with our core and release what was ready to go each week, to make space for what was ready to emerge.
With the freedom these awareness offered me, my multi-dimensional unraveling and opening deepened in a new way energetically, and in the physical I dove in head first to embracing business and life from the Heart.
Simultaneous to the DCI, my friend Sarah and I had created and began leading a mentorship community called the Well Together Collective for women entrepreneurs that craved support and community as they built wellness business that nourished their hearts and their families. I actively shifted my 1:1 work more toward coaching and away from nutrition, and I enrolled in my first program with Pilar Lesko, who quickly became another powerful mentor for me for years to come in the realm of creating, running a business, and leading from my authentic nature.
All three of these experiences were working together on me, on my humanness and my soul, inviting more of my heart to the forefront. I was beginning to tap into my gifts on a new level and own my intuitive and energetic sensitivities.
Ironically, as I was opening more and beginning to feel the beauty and renewed energy of my flow, the pandemic began and a global constriction was occurring. Less than a month later, in April 2020, my mom’s PET scan results showed more cancer growth and she rerouted her treatment plans in hope of continued life.
Another foundational practice of Deep Coaching is “expanding your capacity to be with pain”. What isn’t stated explicitly is that usually this capacity expands by meeting and opening to YOUR OWN pain with greater space, compassion, and acceptance. I had already begun to see how my own journey into intimacy with my pain and grief had cracked open my gift of extending loving, agenda-free space to others as they moved with their own, and this season of life was challenging and deepening my capacity in this way even more (and I had no idea how much more was to come in the years to follow).
I flowed between weeks of excitement as I accessed more of my being, weeks of hope and encouragement as I accompanied my mom to treatment weeks in Chicago, and weeks of fear and grief as we waited to see if her integrative chemo plan was working.
At the end of the summer that year, I took myself to a sunflower field for a “Joy Adventure”. I was in a season of leaning into the innocent joy of my being, which I had previously felt quite disconnected from. The idea to go on a date with myself to the flower field arose through a vision I had during Deep Coaching session, so, I set a date, told my husband I was going to be gone for the day, and bought myself a pair of garden sheers.
I put on my favorite playlist as I drove, bought an espresso over ice from my favorite coffee shop, and drove to commune with the flowers. When I arrived, I was already feeling tender, present, and free, my only focus for the day placed on following the inklings of desire, joy, and expansion that moved through me.
I will never forget that day – it still marks an important moment and shift in my being and awakening. Nothing flashy or big happened on the outside, but a part of me came back to life as I sat among the flowers and listened to the hum of nature and humans collide.
I heard a little girl state from the next field over, “I just love places like this”. Her words hit me right in the heart, and tears of pain, gratitude, and healing waved through me. Afterward, I drove to Lake Michigan and sprawled under the historic trees at the park, more tears flowing as an energetic shift I still can’t explain ensued.
The next few months catered, yet again, to a deepening of my exploration and embodiment of the inner transformation underway. I studied meditation and breathwork and became certified as a facilitator, and simply stayed the course of everything that had already been initiated.
Many moments of Life showed me how much I'd grown, how different (yet more myself) I felt, and how my ability to engage with both painful and joyful moments was amplified. In November, as my 32nd birthday came and went, I found myself ready to bring the new program and the creations that were brewing in my heart to fruition, even though uncertainty loomed in so many corners of my life.
As the year came to a close, unprecedented moments of healing happened in my relationship with my mom, yet in retrospect she was declining more than I was willing or able to see at the time. Again, my inner blossoming didn’t match much of what was happening around me. And yet, I leaned in to who I now was, and how I felt called be and live as much as I could.
From mid-December 2020 to early-January 2021, I led a 21-day program that felt so aligned and alive to bring forth, but as we crossed the threshold into the new year, my panic around my mom’s health and life increased. By late January I felt the call to put everything on pause to focus on being present for my family and with myself as she lived out the last weeks of her life with us by her side.
(If you would like to read more, I have written about this critical time period here.)
On February 19th, 2021, she died, and a whole new level dimension of my unraveling began.
Part 3 coming soon.
Feeling the call to 1:1 work? Begin here.
Join The Sanctuary Membership here.
Moving through an inner or outer shift or transition? Access the Make Space for the New Workshop for immediate support.
Tap into more medicinal nuggets on the podcast: Listen Now.
The Untold Unraveling that Catalyzed IT ALL, part 1 (My Story)
As I've been working on the finishing touches of The Sanctuary this week, I've heard the whispers of its origins nudging me to share more of my story, more of the indirect yet profound weavings that line everything I do, and will be alive in every live call offering and moment of connection in this community.
I've been working on a podcast for you that goes in depth into my story and background for a while (it's a long one), but this week, high-level pieces of the ‘journey to here’ are asking to be shared...
This incredible membership space I've been creating is sooo close to throwing her doors open, to welcoming you into your new favorite landing place to be, tend, liberate, and transform.
As I've been working on the finishing touches of The Sanctuary this week, I've heard the whispers of its origins nudging me to share more of my story, more of the indirect yet profound weavings that line everything I do, and will be alive in every live call offering and moment of connection in this community.
I've been working on a podcast for you that goes in depth into my story and background for a while (it's a long one), but this week, high-level pieces of the ‘journey to here’ are asking to be shared. As your guide in this sacred space of exploration, I have been molded and transformed through my own journey with pain, inner-collapse, and subsequent awakening, remembering and becoming over the last 6.5 years – just as the members of The Sanctuary will be, in their own way.
So, heeding the call, I share with you part 1 of my writings, the untold unraveling that began within, in my late 20's, and potency and power of the last 6.5 years.
As you read, take note of what comes up for you, of what pieces of your own story raise their hand to be witnessed and acknowledged more deeply.
I'd love to hear from you if you feel called to share.
More to come in the coming days, as The Sanctuary Membership is fully unveiled and ready to welcome you in.
The Untold Unraveling, Part 1
In early 2016, a few months after my mom’s 3rd diagnosis with Breast Cancer, I began to unravel on all layers - mind, body, soul. It was a very painful inward time that I didn’t feel I could share with many people, as I still felt the need to uphold the strength, poise, self-sufficiency, steadiness and determination I had always used to mask my pain, grief, and fear, and to ease the worry, fear, and anxiety of my closest loved ones.
My body was screaming at me to soften and release, overcome with fatigue and stress rashes on my neck and eyelids, as I did everything I could to hold my emotions in and power through. But no matter how hard I tried to keep it together, I could feel my inner dam cracking more and more with each passing day, no longer able to contain the profound level of emotion and energy that was asking to be acknowledged and worked with. The moment anyone engaged with me even slightly beyond surface level, tears would start streaming down my face and a rock would form in my throat.
Through a series of events, I was referred to a Anthroposophic Therapist named Paz (Peace, in Spanish), and a profound unraveling that would take years to move through began.
Each week for about a year, as I met with Paz, I cried and cried, releasing the tears I had held in for years - the frozen, braced energy of restraint softening little by little. I now recognize how powerful of a space holder she was (something I didn’t have words for at the time, let alone ability to recognize that same space holding presence beginning to awaken within me), seeing into my heart and soul, and simultaneously making space for my humanness.
In Autumn of 2018, after moving to the US with my Chilean husband, finishing my training as a holistic nutritionist and beginning my first business, and then witnessing my mom go through her first summer of agressive chemotherapy, I collapsed internally. My first completely ‘broken open moment’ was underway.
Miraculously, in the same season, I met the woman that would become my long-time coach and mentor, Rebecca. As we had our first sessions together, and began to pull apart the inner pieces, she offered me acknowledgment of the anticipatory grief I had harbored around my mother’s health for 20 years - receiving the gift of “Ellie, this is grief” for the first time (ever) was indescribably healing, and my conscious walk with grief slowly began.
At the time, I still didn’t understand how important what was happening would be in my story - I could feel that I had no other choice but to turn toward my messy-feeling inner landscape, but I had no idea how doing so was laying the foundation for the most profound inner transformation, which would ultimately completely shift my energy and how I move through my life and the world.
I had no idea that as I embraced each layer of grief, pain, fear, and resistance I had been pushing past for years, my natural flow of energy, connection to my intuition and greater gifts, purpose, creativity, joy and playful, wise and light-filled spirit would finally have the space to reside in my body and being.
After about a year of intensive guided inner exploration and healing, of heart-opening and deep learning about who I was beyond the protection tactics I had identified with for years, I began to see that my career as a nutritionist had been formed as a sacred, yet fear-based, defense mechanism, hoping to save my mom’s life from Cancer. Upon this realization, I immediately knew nutrition was not my path forward, and that I was called to embrace life from a place of love and authenticity, instead of fear and control.
My work with Rebecca continued and we dove deep into the on-going grief and uncertainty of my mom’s health, my relationship to work and productivity, my sense of value and worth, the spiritual, soul-full curiosities that were bubbling to the surface, the ways I related to Life, and my true Ellie beingness - my true EllieFlow.
Knowing that I LOVED working 1:1 with clients as a nutritionist, and was profoundly inspired and impacted by the transformational and energetic process I had been engaged in over the last few years, I began to dissolve my nutrition-focused work in late 2019 and was intuitively led to enroll in the Center for Transformational Coaching’s Deep Coaching Intensive practitioner certification program in January 2020.
A live cohort of 24 of us from all over the world began to meet weekly, taking two hour live classes each Wednesday evening. I’ll never forget Leon, the Center’s founder and renowned Deep Transformational Coach, introducing us to the philosophy of Deep Transformational Coaching in the first class, and my whole heart and being vibrated with “Woah, this is it, this is what I’m meant to do.”
Part 2 coming soon.
Feeling the call to 1:1 work? Begin here.
Moving through an inner or outer shift or transition? Access the Make Space for the New Workshop for immediate support.
Tap into more medicinal nuggets on the podcast: Listen Now.
Your beingness is more than enough.
If you are grieving your relationship to your mother or child, the loss of a mother, child, or pregnancy, not being a mother, anticipating the loss of your mother, being in a different season of life than the mommas in your life, or feeling any other of the many other ‘grey areas of grief’ and pain that can arise today, I see you and am with you. May you you have space to move with all that is present today.
If you are craving some guided tending on your own time today, this morning's Grief Flow Ceremony was intimate and rich, and the replay is now available.
First of all, if you are a Momma, Happy Mother's Day! I hope you feel loved, recognized, nourished, and given space to connect with your wholeness today!
If you are grieving your relationship to your mother or child, the loss of a mother, child, or pregnancy, not being a mother, anticipating the loss of your mother, being in a different season of life than the mommas in your life, or feeling any other of the many other ‘grey areas of grief’ and pain that can arise today, I see you and am with you. May you you have space to move with all that is present today.
If you are craving some guided tending on your own time today, this morning's Grief Flow Ceremony was intimate and rich, and the replay is now available.
The recording is 70 minutes long. The experience begins with a short centering meditation and then I ease you into 30 minutes of a guided, music-supported meditative and movement practice that will deepen you into presence with, and release of, any emotion that is moving. The last 30 minutes of the flow lead you through a beautiful, heart-connected integration of your experience and this Mother's Day.
While I can never predict what exactly will arise for you in this process, a common thing I hear afterward is, “This is exactly what I needed today.” It is medicinal to the heart, body and soul.
During the Grief Flows, I am always listening for messages that want to come through. Today, half way through, the phrase “Your beingness is more than enough" popped in.
This is a phrase that 2.5 years ago really stuck out to me in an email I received amidst the dark feeling second half of my first year without my mom. I was feeling exhausted and wanting to be beyond where I was in my grief journey, and this phrase invited me into presence and acceptance with exactly where I was.
I shared it with one of my close friends, and she often texts it to me on hard days still.
Today it arose again for all.
May you feel free to be as you are today. May you sense and connect with your wholeness and fullness, and all that is alive in you. May you know that your beingness is more than enough, today and everyday.
Sending you all of my love today,
Ellie
What is a Grief Flow Ceremony?
A Grief Flow Ceremony is a meditation and instrumental music based experience I created after the death of my mom. The event will begin with a short introduction and reflection, and then I will lead you in a guided meditation that connects you to your body and greater energy, and gives you space to connect with any grief as it is moving in and around you.
Once we are settled in a connected energy, I will press play on a curated playlist and will guide you in sensing how the music is awakening or soothing you and in following the intuitive expressions of your body as a way of engaging and processing with your emotions. The playlist lasts for 30ish minutes, and I guide you through the whole musical journey, giving cues and prompts where I am intuitively called to support your experience.
For some people, they will feel called to lie still as the music moves them inwardly. Others will feel the drive to get up and dance, write, paint, or engage actively in another way.
We will conclude with space for integration, sharing and witnessing.
As simple as it sounds, this process is extremely liberating, and truly beautiful beyond words.
You can read more about the origins of the Grief Flow Ceremony here.
+ Yesterday's podcast shares a lot more about what it will be like!
Feeling the call to 1:1 work? Begin here.
Moving through an inner or outer shift or transition? Access the Make Space for the New Workshop for immediate support.
Tap into more medicinal nuggets on the podcast: Listen Now.
Come one, come all.
This Grief Flow was created as a landing place for however you wake up feeling Sunday - a place to move with any/all of the shades of ‘grief in the grey’ that I wrote about yesterday, a place for any pain or tension that needs a loving place to unravel so that you can tap into greater flow with yourself and Life as the day progresses.
In my experience, grief asks for presence, and one of the gifts of engaging with our grief is the open-hearted, enlivened presence and beingness we access a little more each time we open the grief-tending door and walk through.
The Mother's Day Grief Flow Ceremony begins tomorrow morning at 10am ET / 9am CT / 7am PT and the doors will be open until we begin. If you have been feeling into this space and experience over the last few days, there is still time for you to join, and I would love to have you.
Also, it will be recorded so if you are not able to join live tomorrow, but would like to move through the process on your own time later in the day, you can sign up now and receive the replay soon after we conclude.
This Grief Flow was created as a landing place for however you wake up feeling Sunday - a place to move with any/all of the shades of ‘grief in the grey’ that I wrote about yesterday, a place for any pain or tension that needs a loving place to unravel so that you can tap into greater flow with yourself and Life as the day progresses.
In my experience, grief asks for presence, and one of the gifts of engaging with our grief is the open-hearted, enlivened presence and beingness we access a little more each time we open the grief-tending door and walk through.
In a world that is still learning how to integrate profound experiences and emotions into our daily experience, how to honor the duality of gratitude, joy, and pain exiting all together, saying yes to the parts of us that feel complex, out of place, yet in need of expression, is courageous.
One of the foundations of this work is the trust that every 1:1 session, every workshop or retreat, every meditation, every Grief Flow, finds its perfect flow, every time, without fail. I am here to guide you and facilitate, however, there is no forcing, agenda, or ‘this is what you have to do’ energy.
One of my superhuman gifts is (deep) listening and sensing into the deeper aspect of what wants to happen, and every space I hold is laced with transcendent trust that as you are welcomed in, exactly as you are in the moment, everything that is meant to unravel for you, will.
As you arrive tomorrow, I will lead you through a self-connection practice, allowing everything that isn't meant to be present to fall away so you can move into deeper connection to your heart and body. Through this practice and tomorrow's playlist, you will begin to move with all of the parts of you that are in conversation within, working with your grief and your greatness, in the most effortless of ways.
When you show up willing to be with yourself, everything flows beautifully.
What is a Grief Flow Ceremony?
A Grief Flow Ceremony is a meditation and instrumental music based experience I created after the death of my mom. The event will begin with a short introduction and reflection, and then I will lead you in a guided meditation that connects you to your body and greater energy, and gives you space to connect with any grief as it is moving in and around you.
Once we are settled in a connected energy, I will press play on a curated playlist and will guide you in sensing how the music is awakening or soothing you and in following the intuitive expressions of your body as a way of engaging and processing with your emotions. The playlist lasts for 30ish minutes, and I guide you through the whole musical journey, giving cues and prompts where I am intuitively called to support your experience.
For some people, they will feel called to lie still as the music moves them inwardly. Others will feel the drive to get up and dance, write, paint, or engage actively in another way.
We will conclude with space for integration, sharing and witnessing.
As simple as it sounds, this process is extremely liberating, and truly beautiful beyond words.
You can read more about the origins of the Grief Flow Ceremony here.
+ Yesterday's podcast shares a lot more about what it will be like!
Feeling the call to 1:1 work? Begin here.
Moving through an inner or outer shift or transition? Access the Make Space for the New Workshop for immediate support.
Tap into more medicinal nuggets on the podcast: Listen Now.
Honoring Grief in the grey
Earlier this week, I did an instagram live (which I also edited and shared on the podcast yesterday – you can listen here) where I talked about the many shades of Mother's Day grief, and how so often, unless you are clearly mourning the loss of your mother or child, the complexity of your experience can feel like it doesn't quite fit.
As someone that is going on four Mother's Days without my mom, and am not yet a mom myself, it's fascinating to see this holiday through the ‘motherless’ now.
I love to honor the grief in the grey.
Earlier this week, I did an instagram live (which I also edited and shared on the podcast yesterday – you can listen here) where I talked about the many shades of Mother's Day grief, and how so often, unless you are clearly mourning the loss of your mother or child, the complexity of your experience can feel like it doesn't quite fit.
As someone that is going on four Mother's Days without my mom, and am not yet a mom myself, it's fascinating to see this holiday through the ‘motherless’ now.
To be clear, I think the heart of the day is absolutely beautiful.
And it's strange to see my inbox flooded with sales emails for a few weeks, to see the Mother's Day Specials at restaurants I love to frequent for brunch on Sundays, to think about how I might be engaging with the day differently if my mom were alive, or if I already had children.
I love blessing the mommas in my life. And motherhood carries so many layers and levels of joy and pain, whether you are a mom or not.
When the idea of leading a Grief Flow on Mother's Day arose, I had a flash vision of everyone that carries any kind of pain (even if you also carry joy and celebration) around motherhood joining to have a sacred personal and community experience that cultivated presence, openness, and deep inner connection.
I saw this Grief Flow as the landing pad for however you wake up on Sunday, allowing you to move with your totality, in unbridled expression, so that you can then move into your day with an open heart and clear mind.
This Mother's Day Grief Flow will be a place to honor any person, concept or experience you have lost or mourned, AND it will be a place where you can move with the grey - with the feelings that feel complex, that you wish weren't there, that you can't quite make sense of, or that feel like they don't quite fit.
When I think of Mother's Day grief, I think of not only the loss of those we love and the grief-connected lives we now live without them, but also of:
The friends and clients that have miscarried or had difficult fertility journeys;
The loved ones that aren't moms, whether they want(ed) to be or not;
Those of us that want to be moms, and yet life has required tending in other ways and that season hasn't arrived yet;
The mommas that LOVE motherhood, but it has required a letting go of other areas of life, or parts of Self, they loved too;
The friends that are anticipating the death of their moms due to illness;
The friends that are expecting or new moms, and still deep in the portal of releasing their pre-child life;
The loved ones that have witnessed their children suffer;
The clients and friends that don't have the relationships they desire with their moms or children;
The loved ones that are now empty nesters;
The moms that are constantly in the juggling act of making it work, even though it doesn't feel like enough;
The friends that don't have as much time with their kiddos as they wish;
The collective pain in our world right now for the starving and endangered orphans of war.
And so many more.
Honoring the grief in the grey means allowing the nuances of our path, the unclear parts that don't perfectly fit in the black and white of having or not having, of being or not being, to be present and lovingly engaged with.
As we deepen into relationship with grief and pain, we deepen into relationship with the fullness of Life. After 20+ years of suppressing grief (and 7 of profoundly unraveling it again), I can tell you first hand that engaging with grief attunes you to greater self expression in all areas, and here is more richness in this experience than I can describe with words.
Engaging with grief attunes you to greater self expression in all areas.
The Mother's Day Grief Flow Ceremony this Sunday is about coming together in the beautiful messiness of it all, to turn toward ourselves and this day with love and openness.
Just like everything that is offered here, these 90ish minutes will lead you into greater connection with all of YOU – your vibrant heart, body, clarity, intuition, and wisdom – through the Grief Flow process.
If you feel called in any way, I invite you to join and see what is ready to unfold for you. It will be an honor to lead you.
What is a Grief Flow Ceremony?
You can read more about the origins of the Grief Flow Ceremony here.
Feeling the call to 1:1 work? Begin here.
Moving through an inner or outer shift or transition? Access the Make Space for the New Workshop for immediate support.
Tap into more medicinal nuggets on the podcast: Listen Now.
Mother’s Day grief Flow Ceremony
Every time I lead a Grief Flow, I am in awe of how powerful carving out specific time to allow yourself to move with grief, and for grief to move with you, is. It seems so simple, yet not something that feels easy or natural for most.
Emotions and energy connected to grief can build up..
Every time I lead a Grief Flow, I am in awe…
Every time I lead a Grief Flow, I am in awe of how powerful carving out specific time to allow yourself to move with grief, and for grief to move with you, is. It seems so simple, yet not something that feels easy or natural for most.
Emotions and energy connected to grief can build up under the surface for longer than we realize, and having a dedicated space where there is no expectation but to be, tend, release, listen, receive, and move as your body leads you is truly life changing.
When I feel a grief build-up happening in my body and consciousness, my essence and energy feel dulled and limited. My flow feels blocked in mind, heart, and body, and I feel disconnected from the river of gentle (usually) momentum that I love to float on.
When grief has been asking for time and space, for a sacred meeting with me, my body feels heavy and the tears want to fall, yet are stuck.
The moment I slow down enough to turn toward it, to let it speak through my throat and dance with my body, I begin to feel alive again.
The grief doesn't go away, but the unconscious resistance and fear to it does, and in this release, I find me again.
I feel…
my pulse,
my heart,
the love and creativity that pours from me,
the pain that visits again and all it has taught me,
the liberation that exists in allowing all of myself to be expressed and alive,
and the wisdom available through the continued digestion of what I have lived.
As I tap into my flow again, as I regain the lightness of my spirit and energy (a true hallelujah!), grief doesn't disappear or vanish, but I have deepened my relationship to it. My ability to open my heart doors to move with it has multiple exponentially.
I am reminded of the power, presence, and energy that is available to me when I say yes, and open myself to be massaged again by loss.
I am reconnected to the vibrancy of life, in me and around me.
Each Grief Flow is a transformative journey of healing and self-discovery, that allows every participant to be met exactly where they are in their walk with grief, and to receive what is needed in this moment.
Join me (on Zoom) for an enlightening Mother's Day experience that honors your journey and illuminates the path toward healing and transformation.
This Grief Flow is for anyone experiencing grief or pain around their relationship to their mother or child, mother loss, being or becoming a mother, motherhood in general, or for anyone simply desiring a space to move with their grief!
I invite you to join me and see what is ready to unfold for you.
What is a Grief Flow Ceremony?
You can read more about the origins of the Grief Flow Ceremony here.
Feeling the call to 1:1 work? Begin here.
Moving through an inner or outer shift or transition? Access the Make Space for the New Workshop for immediate support.
Tap into more medicinal nuggets on the podcast: Listen Now.
Guided ‘Explore Your Essence’ Meditation
This centering meditation is a gentle and connective practice that is perfect to use any time (even daily) during the 'Emergence' or 'I am ALIVE' spheres of transformation, as explored in the last episode (episode 6) of The Fountain with Ellie Thomas podcast. Along with relaxing music, this meditation leads you through a simple visualization practice to release energy that isn't yours, call your energy back to your body, and then attune to what's ready to emerge and what's ready to release.
*Scroll down to listen to the meditation
This centering meditation is a gentle and connective practice that is perfect to use any time (even daily) during the 'Emergence' or 'I am ALIVE' spheres of transformation, as explored in the last episode (episode 6). Along with relaxing music, this meditation leads you through a simple visualization practice to release energy that isn't yours, call your energy back to your body, and then attune to what's ready to emerge and what's ready to release.
This practice will support your awareness in what's brewing energetically for you, and help you move throughout the day in connection to your body and energy. Use daily or as you'd like.
This is an original meditation. Music for this meditation can be found here.
If you prefer to meditate through the Insight Timer app, you can find this meditation there as well.
WORKSHOP ANNOUNCMENT:
I am so excited to start offering workshops to deepen into the topics I share about here, live and in community.
The first two are on the calendar:
October 11 @5pm ET / 4pm CT / 2pm PT: GriefFlow LIVE Workshop - REGISTER HERE
October 25th @5PM ET / 4pm CT / 2PM PT: Embodied Acceptance LIVE Workshop - REGISTER HERE
REGISTER FOR BOTH WORKSHOPS & SAVE $10 HERE
Full Episode Show Notes
This is an original mediation that supports connecting to, honoring, and releasing your pain in a healthy way.
Always make sure you are in a safe place, and not operating a vehicle, when playing meditations such as this. Music used in this meditation can be found here.
Book your exploratory session with me here
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Episode Music credit:
Embrace by Sappheiros | https://soundcloud.com/sappheirosmusic
Music promoted on https://www.chosic.com/free-music/all/
Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
Meditation for Emotional release
The Meditation for Emotional Release is incredibly gentle, soothing, and offers guidance to begin to feel into parts of you that might be more ready to surface and be expressed than you realize.
*Scroll down to listen to the meditation
This Meditation for Emotional Release is incredibly gentle, soothing, and offers guidance to begin to feel into parts of you that might be more ready to surface and be expressed than you realize.
When I first shared this meditation in a program I led in 2021, one of the participants said she began to sob halfway through, releasing deep sadness she didn't even realize she was carrying, and felt so much lighter afterward.
The magic of release is partly about basking in the fertile emptiness and silence that is created by our letting-go, and this meditation will help you access this space within.
Full Episode Show Notes
This is an original mediation that supports connecting to, honoring, and releasing your pain in a healthy way.
Always make sure you are in a safe place, and not operating a vehicle, when playing meditations such as this. Music used in this meditation can be found here.
Book your exploratory session with me here
Join my newsletter
Find me on instagram
Episode Music credit:
Embrace by Sappheiros | https://soundcloud.com/sappheirosmusic
Music promoted on https://www.chosic.com/free-music/all/
Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
EP #5. The Power of Emotional and energetic release {Podcast}
Fall is officially here in the US, and as we begin to explore the slow loosening and letting go of this season, I'm sharing all about The Power of Emotional + Energetic Release on the podcast this week (along with a bonus meditation on the podcast feed).
In episode 5 of the podcast, I take you on a journey, exploring the importance of releasing stuck and repressed emotion in order to: liberate VITALITY, tap into CREATIVITY, and connect with YOUR AUTHENTIC ENERGY.
*Scroll down to listen to the episode below
Fall is officially here in the US, and as we begin to explore the slow loosening and letting go of this season, I'm sharing all about The Power of Emotional + Energetic Release on the podcast this week (along with a bonus meditation on the podcast feed).
In episode 5, I take you on a journey, exploring the importance of releasing stuck and repressed emotion in order to:
⛲️liberate VITALITY,
⛲️ tap into CREATIVITY, and
⛲️ connect with YOUR AUTHENTIC ENERGY.
I personally have a loooonnnnggg history of repressing emotion – I'm talking almost 30 years of holding lots in, pushing pain down, overriding my needs and feelings in the (subconscious) name of survival.
A certain circumstance in my life right now reminded me of how important finding a safe way to release is in order to arrive at clear energy and live from deep Self connection.
In this episode, I share what the process of unraveling this has been like for me over the last 7ish years, how different I feel in my body now, and I also break down the energetics and alchemy of safe emotional expression and the rejuvenation it offers each of us.
I believe this episode is powerful for everyone, and I'd especially like to dedicate it to the sensitive, deep feelers that have not felt safe to show and share your emotions.
Full Episode Show Notes
In this episode I take you on a journey, exploring the importance of releasing stuck and repressed emotion in order to liberate vitality, tap into creativity, and connect with who we really are. I share what this process has been like as a client and a coach, and break down the energetics and alchemy of safe emotional expression and the rejuvenation it offers each of us, especially deep feelers or those of us that have not felt safe to show and share our emotions.
I work with many high achieving women that have learned how to cut off or override their flow of emotion as a survival strategy. If this is you, this episode is extra pertinent.
If the pulse of this episode hits your heart, try out the meditation for pain I have added to the podcast feed, and book your exploratory session with me here.
To explore my work more, visit www.ellieflow.com.
I would love to hear what arises for you as you listen, and anything specific you'd like to hear on the show. Shoot me a note via email (hello@ellieflow.com), or respond to the episode directly via the feature on your podcast app.
Book your exploratory session with me here
Join my newsletter
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Episode Music credit:
Embrace by Sappheiros | https://soundcloud.com/sappheirosmusic
Music promoted on https://www.chosic.com/free-music/all/
Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
EP #4. Allow Your Inner Wisdom to Emerge (+ Guided Meditation) {Podcast}
Last night I had the pleasure and honor of leading a short contemplative meditation at a community dinner. Afterwards, my seat mate asked me how I got into meditation and mindfulness. I shared with him that early in my conscious transformational journey, about 5 years ago, guided meditation really helped me connect with parts of myself beyond my (very active and quick) mind - which was in constant panic and overwhelm at the time.
I also shared with him that now in my own practice, and in my work as a facilitator, I've learned that all I need to do is create space to return to (and attune to) the heart.
THE REST WILL UNFOLD NATURALLY…
Last night I had the pleasure and honor of leading a short contemplative meditation at a community dinner. Afterwards, my seat mate asked me how I got into meditation and mindfulness. I shared with him that early in my conscious transformational journey, about 5 years ago, guided meditation really helped me connect with parts of myself beyond my (very active and quick) mind - which was in constant panic and overwhelm at the time.
I also shared with him that now in my own practice, and in my work as a facilitator, I've learned that all I need to do is create space to return to (and attune to) the heart.
THE REST WILL UNFOLD NATURALLY.
This is the essence of everything I share on The Fountain podcast, and this week's episode, called Allow Your Inner Wisdom to Emerge, especially focuses on the process of creating space to be a loving witness to the needs and tones of our intellects, physical bodies, emotional selves, and spiritual selves.
In my experience, in order to hear the greater wisdom of our beings and beyond, we often need to release of the energy, thoughts and tensions that keep us occupied and looping in the same way over and over again.
As the space for release, without an agenda, is created, we are able to touch into a stillness – a fertile emptiness – through which greater wisdom can emerge, be heard, received and integrated.
The second half of this week's podcast episode is a 16-minute guided meditation/practice that will help you create this space and allowance.
It my version of the simple, yet profound, guided journey that my mentor used with me as I was slowly tapped into my heart-centered flow and opened to greater connection with myself, and beyond.
This is a practice you can do daily, even while walking, with a journal, or anyway that (safely) helps you attune to the subtleties of your energy.
Full Episode Show Notes
In this episode I share lingering thoughts on opening to our fullness that came up after the last episode, then I dive into my first invitation into feeling my fullness 5 years ago and what that looked like. I reflect on the power of being guided into connection with our intellect, physical bodies, emotional selves, and spiritual selves, and how it can help you begin to understand and feel into your wholeness more. I also speak on the power of learning to listen deeply to our many dimensions, and how it frees up space to allow your intuition and greater wisdom and energy to emerge and guide you.
The guided 4 Part Meditation for Wholeness begins at 15:30 (FYI it purposely does not have music so that you can simply listen to yourself and anything happening for you more acutely).
Book your exploratory session with me here
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Episode Music credit:
Embrace by Sappheiros | https://soundcloud.com/sappheirosmusic
Music promoted on https://www.chosic.com/free-music/all/
Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
EP #3. Open To Your Fullness {Podcast}
Welcome back to The Fountain! This episode is an exploration inspired by a session with one of my clients and gets into the energetics of "making space again" after periods of massive inner (and life) shifts, grief, and loss.
I explore the importance of allowing ourselves to fully grieve and mourn, to fully be in our process of release, to arrive into the gift of opening to life again. I touch into the nuances of what this opening can feel like, and how to observe and work with the energy of "making space again" when it arises for you.
What does opening to our fullness even mean or look like?
This episode of the fountain explores what our "fullness" even means, reclaiming it from the idealized vision that is often touted in the current personal growth or spiritual world, and offering space to invite pieces of yourself that you've shut out to slowly reincorporate. The episode begins and ends with a brief meditative and breathing practice to anchor into your energy and to embody this message in your own way. I also explore energies of resistance, expansion, flow, and letting go.
You can enjoy the Fountain Flow Playlist here (on Spotify).
Please note: there is a tiny bit of static at the beginning and end of the episode that I was not able to edit out fully, but it only lasts a few seconds - continuing to work on improving sound quality for you!
Book your exploratory session with me here
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Episode Music credit:
Embrace by Sappheiros | https://soundcloud.com/sappheirosmusic
Music promoted on https://www.chosic.com/free-music/all/
Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
EP #2. Making Space Again After Grief, Loss, and Immense Inner Shifts {Podcast}
What does opening to our fullness even mean or look like?
This episode of the fountain explores what our "fullness" even means, reclaiming it from the idealized vision that is often touted in the current personal growth or spiritual world, and offering space to invite pieces of yourself that you've shut out to slowly reincorporate. The episode begins and ends with a brief meditative and breathing practice to anchor into your energy and to embody this message in your own way. I also explore energies of resistance, expansion, flow, and letting go.
Welcome back to The Fountain! This episode is an exploration inspired by a session with one of my clients and gets into the energetics of "making space again" after periods of massive inner (and life) shifts, grief, and loss.
I explore the importance of allowing ourselves to fully grieve and mourn, to fully be in our process of release, to arrive into the gift of opening to life again. I touch into the nuances of what this opening can feel like, and how to observe and work with the energy of "making space again" when it arises for you.
Book your exploratory session with me here
Join my newsletter
Find me on instagram
Episode Music credit:
Embrace by Sappheiros | https://soundcloud.com/sappheirosmusic
Music promoted on https://www.chosic.com/free-music/all/
Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
EP #1. Introducing My New Podcast: The Fountain with Ellie Thomas
I have a really exciting announcement today - a project I have been playing with since mid-March is finally ready to be shared with you!
After 5 months of listening, exploring, advancing, and then retracting and refining until it felt more clear, The Fountain with Ellie Thomas Podcast is LIVE 🎉🎧✨. Here’s the story of how it came to be…
I have a really exciting announcement today - a project I have been playing with since mid-march is finally ready to be shared with you!
After 5 months of listening, exploring, advancing, and then retracting and refining until it felt more clear, The Fountain with Ellie Thomas Podcast is LIVE 🎉🎧✨.
The Becoming of The Fountain began months ago…
When I let go of the Deeply Nourished For Life podcast and took it off air in early 2021, I had no idea if another show would emerge with time or not. Now, 2.5 years later, many of the elements that I originally engaged as part of my work with Deeply Nourished for Life and The Well Together Collective have re-emerged, asking to be shared, explored, and offered with the energy that now flows through me.
While it doesn't seem that surprising in hindsight, each time it happens feels pretty wild – like an old, long-lost friend arriving at my door after years of being out of touch, yet knowing the love has never faltered. There is catching up to do, new expression available on both ends, lots of questions and reflections to be entertained, and eagerness to get to know each other as we are now and see what can become of our re-union.
This new podcast first tapped me on the shoulder in early March of this year. I had just taught a class on Sacred Grief, where I shared pieces of my walk with grief and its transformative nature in my life. While I unconsciously knew there was exponential wisdom ready to be shared through me, it wasn't until the class finished that I had a clearer glimpse of just how much, and how eagerly it wanted be let out.
I believe that once embodied, wisdom and teachings don't need to be spoken to be shared and of service - our simple beingness can bestow them. However, as the internal treasure chest opened that day, I saw that each jewel would only multiply and take its fullest shape and form when I offered them to an external home – a place where those hungry could arrive, receive, connect and interact with the energy of the learnings, and then make them their own.
As I played with the creation of a new podcast, at first I thought the show was meant to be purely grief focused. But as I began to record episodes on the topic, it didn't feel quite right. Something felt flat, and while grief is never one dimensional (in my experience), focusing solely on it was too limited for what was in flow for this podcast.
Over the past month, as I let go more fully of my original understanding, The Fountain appeared. I chuckled to myself when it landed so clearly. Grief, and grief as transformational force in life, is a prominent part of my fountain and it will be part of the podcast flow, but it is just one piece of the whole and there is so much more ready to spill out.
ALL OF ME, ALL OF LIFE, AND ALL OF YOU WANTED TO BE WELCOMED INTO THIS NEW EXPERIENCE.
As I say in the intro:
"This show is a place where we connect with our multi-dimensionality. With the Life, the living water flowing within us, through mind, body, Spirit, heart, and All. This show is a place where we explore it all, where we tap into wisdom that has surfaced through pain and joy, and the fullness of our journeys. This podcast is a place to come and remember, to sink back into, the living water that flows within you, and to be guided back to your fountain, your fullness, your wholeness."
I am so excited to birth this new space and share it with you. It feels out there in the perfect Ellie way, and aligned with my heart and fullness. I hope it brings you into your heart and fullness instantly as you listen and take it in.
I would love to hear what arises for you as you listen, and anything specific you'd like to hear more about on the show.
I'd also be immensely grateful it you take a moment to share the show with someone that comes to heart or mind, and rate and review the it on your favorite listening platform!
P.S. This spring I also received the intuitive message that many of us that are meant to share our voices in a new wave of podcasting are feeling the tug on our hearts, or taps on our shoulders. If this is you, may this be encouragement to you to take your next step in the exploration.