Big Uplevel energy at work (A seasonal reflection)

I've felt a subtle, yet also HUGE, up-level happening internally in the past 8 weeks, and wow, it's been a really beautiful and an often intense ride. I am thankful to feel present to it all even if it's brought up all sorts of things to be with, and this week I wrote a reflection on this to share with you! 

I have felt rooted in my relationship with myself for a quite a while now, and more so than ever in the last 9 months.  Yet even so,  this transitional Spring season has challenged (read: fiercely called) me to sink into deeper trust in myself, in who I have become, and in Life as I continue to explore and embody the much greater capacity I now hold.

It's wild to think back to April 2022 Ellie  (enter some 3rd person because it doesn't feel right to call that version of me “I” anymore) – she was just peeping her head out of her grief hibernation cave and learning to be known and seen in what felt like a totally transformed existence (compared to any version of myself I had perviously shared publicly).  Today I can hardly feel the trepidation, overwhelm and rawness she felt daily as I simply moved through life one year ago, yet I am so immensely grateful to her, her courage and bravery, for taking the steps back out into the world little by little.

As we entered 2023, I received a message in a meditation indicating that the energy of this first quarter of the year was to be My Coming Out Party. Yes, I lol'd with joy the first time I heard that too, but I knew exactly what it meant; it was time to share myself fully, to let others see and know what I am about, who I am, and what I am here to teach, guide, and share. It was time to remove any fluff I'd placed, like bumpers in bowling, as protection from being misunderstood or disliked. It was time to say, “Here I am in all of my rawness and glory” and let the potency of my work and words be felt on a new level.

It was no coincidence that I walked out of the second year and into the third without my mom during this season, and that I began to feel and know my resiliency, strength, and rootedness on a whole new level.  The More Myself program was born from in this time, and sharing it felt like allowing my soul to spill onto the page and integrate into what I offer even more deeply.

There were also multiple opportunities to say YES to life in renewed ways in February and March, including embracing things I knew I wanted to do even if I felt a  afraid or nervous. It was fascinating to observe myself begin to enter into fear or anxiety, but to a much lesser level than I had in the past, and then remind myself that I have a completely different relationship with my body, my capacity, my abilities, my intellect and my emotions now.  When I reminded my self of this, the nervousness lessened significantly and what came through more prominently was vibrant curiosity. “What would it be like to try this again as I am now? I know I can pause, or rest, or stop at any time, and what if I love it?!”  And everything I tried again, I loved.

In March, I lived a powerful full circle moment teaching two, 2-hour Sacred Grief events in one of my mentors' membership.  Almost exactly 3 years prior, my grief had been held in one of her containers in a way that opened me to the possibility of being fully seen and known in my pain amidst community, and returning to offer this same witnessing and space was one of the most natural and incredible “dreams come true” moment I've lived.

The first event I taught was a class where I shared my story with grief, recalling the 25 years it's energy has been intimately part of my life even though I didn't have a conscious relationship with it for 20+ of them.  I spoke of the potential grief has to aid destruction when we are denying it or pushing it away, and the potential it has to support expansion when we are willing to fully be with it.  I reflected on how grief is the most simultaneously expansive and contractive process I've experienced.  I taught the EllieFlow 5 Spheres of Transformation (more to come on that soon as part of a special secret project I'm working on), and what is available to us when we are pushed to our edges and have no other option but to fully surrender.

The preparations felt peaceful while also demanding all of me, and teaching the class probably kicked off the “Ellie, you're stepping into something bigger, you're ready, it's time, here you are” energy that has been stirring since.

The second event was a GriefFlow Circle, where I guided a space to connect with the grief present and then move intuitively to music, allowing it to transmute and release energetically.  After the movement portion, there was space to share about the experience and what people were feeling.  The shares were so rad, so liberated, full of depth and yet equally light and refreshed.  As soon the event finished, I turned on some EDM and grooved in celebration and gratitude for the amplified ownership and embodiment of my journey through this opportunity.  I felt, yet again, more me, more alive, more full, more whole, more woman, more complete.   

A few days later, as accidental integration of this experience, we traveled to visit my dad and make maple syrup with him on the farm where I grew up for the weekend.  Our time was sweet and rich (beyond the syrup), and I took time to sit in the room my mom died in to cry, talk to her, and listen.  As I enjoyed the bright sun warming us on a windy and cold day, as I saw my dad smile with excitement while showing us the sap-boiling-setup in the sugar shack my husband designed and built with him, as I chatted with the wind chime now hanging above one of my mom's wildflower gardens, and as we tasted the syrup and bottled it into jars to be enjoyed and shared, I was able to breathe in the abundance of my homeland and the gifts that have continued to come with the patient love and tending.

The end of March unexpectedly rocked me with some hard family stuff, and the up-level energy grew in intensity as new challenges tend to be portals for big internal updating.  Since, this last month has been all about revisiting my foundation of safety and well-being amidst hard moments, and allowing my mind and self-concept to update fully and match who I have become instead of staying calibrated to a past version of me.

Through this process, and allowing myself the FULL space to be IN (messy) PROCESS with myself, I feel like I have once again capitulated into another realm of existence in the last week.  Thinking back to the ‘6-weeks ago Ellie’, I already feel anchored in a different place, and remain in awe of the constant shifts and expansion available when we are willing to stay open to Life and to what is underway amidst our organic evolution.

This week I have taken many long walks in the spring sunshine, which is powerful medicine to my mind, body, and soul.  On Tuesday mid-walk, I began to see myself like a budding tree with an ample root system that had been growing and establishing itself for many years, often silently. I began to feel how acknowledging, owning, and enjoying my rootedness allows me to sway freely (and even enjoy!) with the winds as they come, knowing that I will stay firm and rooted, continuing to grow my branches and offer upward and outward.

What do you resonate with most in this reflection? Does anything call to your depths in an unexpected way? 

How do you find yourself relating to this season? Does it feel like a time of unleveling, a time of integration, or even a void season for you?

 I wish you loving acceptance and vibrant curiosity as you reflect on the last few months.

Allowing Life to break me open (& INTRODUCING THE MORE MYSELF GROUP PROGRAM)

Doors are fully open to my new LIVE Group Program Experience, ‘More Myself’. 

You can dive into the complete exploration of it here. We begin on Tuesday February 21st, and I'm offering $111 off the price through Sunday, 2/12 using the code REBIRTH.

 This program is a 6-week group experience for those that have walked through things they didn’t (consciously) choose, and are willing to honor the pain and grief of this process, while simultaneously opening to all of the ways it has profoundly changed and expanded them.

When life broke me open, everything I knew it to be was shattered.  Not only had I lost my Mom, but huge pieces of who I thought I was felt like they were stripped away with her.  I had already been engaged in deep internal renewal for years leading up to this time, but when she died, things that used to matter didn’t matter at all anymore.  Things I used to like and want in my life no longer felt alive and important at all.

A year later I still felt incredibly lost, alone, and confused- this was a piece of loss no one had ever told me about. Probably because the ‘in between’ of who you used to be and who you are becoming is quite indescribable.

While I'll forever be deeply engaged in the life-long processes of both living with loss and expanding into to my own becoming, I now know that when we allow ourselves to be fully broken open there is tremendous pain and there are astounding gifts.

We don't get to control what breaks us or when it happens, but if we are willing to move through these times in our lives and the remains they leave with an open heart, they can offer us so much.

The transformation and the grief don’t need to compete, they actually go hand-in-hand. 

Together they open a portal full of possibility - seeing, being, and leading through a different lens - one that I believe has the potential to change the world.

If we make the space for our breaking-open to be a conscious process,  it brings deeper connection to ourselves and deeper connection to life as we move through it.

If we tune in and make space, there is so much richness alive in the messiness of it all, included but not limited to vibrant creativity, passion, meaning, full-being gratitude and awe…aliveness.

The More Myself program was created for those that are open and ready to both honor the pain and be awe-struck by the gifts. This program is for those that can feel something within saying, “there is no going back to who I used to be” and who desire to trust and explore the potent medicine of their experience. 

Maybe you’ve lost a loved one.

Maybe you’ve received difficult news or a diagnosis about your health or that of someone important in your life.

Maybe you’re unsure if you’ll be able to have kids.

Maybe a relationship you treasured has concluded.

Maybe a career or dream you poured yourself into has been challenged.

Maybe you did all the ‘right things’ but it doesn’t’ feel like you thought it would and you're not sure how to move forward. 

It doesn't matter what has broken you open, or how long it's been, if you feel called to more of yourself, this is for you.

“HOW IRONIC THAT THE DIFFICULT TIMES WE FEAR MIGHT RUIN US ARE THE VERY ONES THAT CAN BREAK US OPEN AND HELP US BLOSSOM INTO WHO WE WERE MEANT TO BE.”

— Elizabeth Lesser

All the details are here & the More Myself doors are wide open.

Use code REBIRTH for $111 now through Sunday, 2/12.

I am incredibly humbled and honored to create this program, and I can't wait to meet you inside.

Questions about the program or working together? Reach out here.