finding your attuned pace & creating spaciousness to sink in to acceptance in an embodied way

Yesterday, I recorded an instagram live to explore and teach on the power and cultivation of ‘Attuned Pace’, and how Awareness, Acknowledgment, and Acceptance work together to free up energy in our emotional, physical, and energetic systems.

I loved how it turned out, and it was a perfect peak into the first few weeks of my More Myself Group Program the begins next week.

Listen to the replay podcast style here:

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Watch the replay on Instagram here:

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In the first few weeks of the More Myself Group container, starting 2/21, we will lay the foundations for the program by deeply engaging with the energy and healing available through each of these areas.

Join the journey to embodying more of yourself here.

Allowing Life to break me open (& INTRODUCING THE MORE MYSELF GROUP PROGRAM)

Doors are fully open to my new LIVE Group Program Experience, ‘More Myself’. 

You can dive into the complete exploration of it here. We begin on Tuesday February 21st, and I'm offering $111 off the price through Sunday, 2/12 using the code REBIRTH.

 This program is a 6-week group experience for those that have walked through things they didn’t (consciously) choose, and are willing to honor the pain and grief of this process, while simultaneously opening to all of the ways it has profoundly changed and expanded them.

When life broke me open, everything I knew it to be was shattered.  Not only had I lost my Mom, but huge pieces of who I thought I was felt like they were stripped away with her.  I had already been engaged in deep internal renewal for years leading up to this time, but when she died, things that used to matter didn’t matter at all anymore.  Things I used to like and want in my life no longer felt alive and important at all.

A year later I still felt incredibly lost, alone, and confused- this was a piece of loss no one had ever told me about. Probably because the ‘in between’ of who you used to be and who you are becoming is quite indescribable.

While I'll forever be deeply engaged in the life-long processes of both living with loss and expanding into to my own becoming, I now know that when we allow ourselves to be fully broken open there is tremendous pain and there are astounding gifts.

We don't get to control what breaks us or when it happens, but if we are willing to move through these times in our lives and the remains they leave with an open heart, they can offer us so much.

The transformation and the grief don’t need to compete, they actually go hand-in-hand. 

Together they open a portal full of possibility - seeing, being, and leading through a different lens - one that I believe has the potential to change the world.

If we make the space for our breaking-open to be a conscious process,  it brings deeper connection to ourselves and deeper connection to life as we move through it.

If we tune in and make space, there is so much richness alive in the messiness of it all, included but not limited to vibrant creativity, passion, meaning, full-being gratitude and awe…aliveness.

The More Myself program was created for those that are open and ready to both honor the pain and be awe-struck by the gifts. This program is for those that can feel something within saying, “there is no going back to who I used to be” and who desire to trust and explore the potent medicine of their experience. 

Maybe you’ve lost a loved one.

Maybe you’ve received difficult news or a diagnosis about your health or that of someone important in your life.

Maybe you’re unsure if you’ll be able to have kids.

Maybe a relationship you treasured has concluded.

Maybe a career or dream you poured yourself into has been challenged.

Maybe you did all the ‘right things’ but it doesn’t’ feel like you thought it would and you're not sure how to move forward. 

It doesn't matter what has broken you open, or how long it's been, if you feel called to more of yourself, this is for you.

“HOW IRONIC THAT THE DIFFICULT TIMES WE FEAR MIGHT RUIN US ARE THE VERY ONES THAT CAN BREAK US OPEN AND HELP US BLOSSOM INTO WHO WE WERE MEANT TO BE.”

— Elizabeth Lesser

All the details are here & the More Myself doors are wide open.

Use code REBIRTH for $111 now through Sunday, 2/12.

I am incredibly humbled and honored to create this program, and I can't wait to meet you inside.

Questions about the program or working together? Reach out here.

Releasing Survival Mode & Coming into Authenticity {Audio only}

Releasing Survival Mode & Coming into Authenticity {Audio Newsletter + Transcript}

Last week I sat down and recorded an audio newsletter (think 30min podcast sans the fancy intro, etc.), which had been swirling for about a month. It felt so fun to explore topics and themes the end of 2022 brought up for me out loud - it all flowed out beautifully and I’m excited to share it with you! 

Listen here or scroll down to read the transcript:

In this audio newsletter, I explore: 

• Being in commitment to creating and sharing from authenticity;

• Pausing, releasing more layers of long-engrained survival modes, and readjusting in order to do so;

• The journey from drained to stable energy;

• Theme “Allow yourself to be here fully, now” from my last newsletter and how it carried out for me in December;

• Getting in touch with our ‘Gumby’ Selves;

• Beginning to more fully own my journey with grief and loss as part of the work I share with clients and the world.

Transcript:

"Hi everybody. Happy New Year. I have been wanting to record this audio newsletter style thing for quite some time. I am an old podcast and am a podcast lover, and I'm always toying with the idea of bringing something like that back. But for right now, I just wanted to share some thoughts and some explorations from the end of the year with you in an audible form. 

And if you prefer to read this instead of listen, I will include a transcript and you can do that, whatever works best for you. I personally am an extremely audible learner and processor and I really appreciate having a variety of ways of engaging. 

So let's see how this goes. Let me know if you like it. And I've had a lot on my mind recently that I've been wanting to share and it feels really good to speak these things out loud for a long time. Writing felt better and more complete, and I think I'm finding a time of my life where both speaking and writing feel really good, and I feel called to them for different reasons. 

I'm just going to take a breath. I invite you to join me in that breath if you need that right now. And I wanted to share that the last time I sent a newsletter was at the end of November and I sent it with this really powerful message that had come through. It was in a long meditation at the end of a yoga class and it just kind of became so clear. The words were really clear in my body and as I shared them at the time because always what's for me seems like it's for others too. Not for everybody, of course, but for many. And I'd like to make it available. 

And as I sat with it and shared it, I was very encouraged by the message and I'll read it to you. It said, everything you desire stems from fully and lovingly being who, where and how you are right now. Letting yourself fully be here, fully owning being in this body, in this moment, feeling how you feel, loving what you love, breathing, fully feeling yourself here. I love being here. All that you desire will not change who you are. It will only add to your life and the beingness as you are now. So how fully can you be here right now? How fully can you be you right now? What needs to be set down so you can fully be here? What needs to be embraced to fully be here? What needs to be seen and acknowledged to fully be here? What is here to be embodied? What ownership can you bring to this moment? How fully can you sink into this day? How fully can you trust who you are and all that you have cultivated? I invite you here. Be here with me. Be here. 

It was a really powerful message for me to receive and at the moment that it came in. I didn't necessarily know the bigness of what it would mean for me in the month of December. I didn't know with clarity how important my willingness to be exactly where I was, because I tend to be somebody who wants to be a couple of steps ahead of where I am or thinks I should be a couple of steps ahead. And that's constant sole curriculum for me - to release into the trust and acceptance of being where I am. And that's something I wholly incorporate into my work with clients as well. 

And yet, here I was again, being called to simply let go of the moments in front of me and to be and in the being, not just resting, but allowing myself to deeply feel the depths of what I was feeling. And as the days went on, after this message came through, it all started to become clear. There were some really, really big shifts happening in the internal landscape of myself that I've been working with for many years now. And after a very important family therapy session that I had with my dad and my sister, there was an awareness of kind of the crux of some of my things. Let's just say that some of my defense mechanisms, some of my survival mode activating moments. 

None of these things were new to me. But the way it was processed and talked about that day really opened something up. And more than ever before, I really, really needed to be exactly where I was feeling myself. So I kept asking, how fully can I feel this right now? How fully can I feel it? And I'd be on walks, and there would be moments of deep grief and moments of liberation and moments of exhaustion, because where we tapped into also required a lot of energy to be processed.

It felt kind of like we hit the core of my Earth and let out just this incredible amount of beautiful energy. But also, holy moly, getting to the core of that place again and letting that happen required a lot of rest. And it's a really powerful feeling that's happened to me many times. But this one was even potentially more powerful. So when the exhaustion would come, how can I release all the resistance to this exhaustion and just let myself feel the tiredness? And when the moments of overwhelm or fear would come, how can I let myself feel the fear and release the resistance towards this fear, really sink into it? Can I trust myself to be here fully with it? And even though it was not always perfectly smooth, I always was able to. Thankfully, that is something that I have cultivated.

And as I sat with all that was happening, part of what I needed to be willing to do was sit with the trust that my tune in and connect calls, which were something I was so excited about beginning and still am excited about needed to be put on hold for the month. They needed to be potentially revisited in a new way. I always am asking myself my why. Why am I doing this? Not my why in the way of what is your why? The way that kind of the self development world tells you you have to have a why for your life. But like really making sure that I am doing things from a clear place within myself because one of my biggest commitments is to never as long as I can consciously and I'd say never doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

It means consciously I do not want to act out of survival mode or inauthenticity. And the journey of living and doing business this way for me started a couple of years ago and it is pretty raw because it means that in different moments I learn new things about myself and I can see things that I couldn't see two weeks ago or two months ago. And I realized that there were places of inauthenticity. Of course my human imperfections and my desires to fulfill my own needs for things sometimes coming out in offerings and most of what I could feel from the tune in and connect calls was just really beautiful connection and offering a home for that and offering a space for people to come into that within themselves. 

And the one that I hosted, that was attended by a friend, she said to me, "you've never quite held space for me in that way. And it was really powerful for me", and it was a really natural session, but it really left a mark on her. And she came back multiple times to tell me how powerful that had been, even though it had just been the two of us. And I held that close because I knew that there was a lot of beauty and power in these calls and yet there was still some of the bumps and some of the inauthenticity of offering them that I needed to work through in myself, and a lot of that and the releasing of that survival place even more. That's one of, I think one of my biggest life missions is to unravel years and years and years of living in survival unconsciously which so much of the world is doing. And now that I don't live in that place constantly, I see it so much. And this season of my life is really about continuing to let that dissolve and continuing to trust into and to grow into and to expand into a grounded, calm, collected, connected nervous system capacity and way of living that I can thrive in on all levels. 

I could go on and on about how living in survival mode -there's a lot that can be said but it taxed me, and oftentimes we don't have a choice. I wasn't choosing to live that way. I wasn't even aware that I was living that way so fully until about nine months ago when I started to feel my energy come back. And I had been taken a year of sabbatical pretty much since my mom had passed. And a lot of the time, for the first six months, there was a lot of activity happening some days, and some days I could hardly move. 

But about six months in, the shock of the loss started to wear off, and I started to settle, and I couldn't do anything. And it was very obvious that my body had harbored so much adrenaline and so much survival mode that, yeah, I just was so drained. And I had been for a really long time, but I hit the bottom of the drain, of the well. And so as I committed to not doing anything except for rest, because I literally could not do that, and committed to that over and over again, even though I'd be pulled different ways in different moments and different months, about six to nine months later, I started to feel, oh, I'm feeling some natural energy come back. 

I think this is maybe what it feels like to not be in constant survival and drained mode. And I guess 2022, for me would be a year of rejuvenation slowly, very slow, slow and steady rejuvenation with lots of peaks and valleys and oh, my goodness, lots of still months of needing to go so slowly and tend so slowly and remind myself it was okay to be where I was. And so as we're closing out the year, and I'm in this place of connecting again with, why am I doing this? Is this coming from a place of proving or needing to be something? Is it coming from a place of authentic heart and guided power? Is it coming from somebody else's expectations? Where is it coming from? That was really what I was sitting with in December. Where was the desire for the tune in and connect calls coming from? Where was the basis of my business at the time coming from? Where was EllieFlow being created from and being poured into from? 

And while most of that was purely authentic, there's, of course, lots of little places that weren't, and there will continue to be. That is a lifelong journey. I'm not ever planning on getting to 100% authenticity, because what would be the point of that? But it was a new place. A new place from which I could evaluate and see how much is ready to be birthed and shared, how much is ready to be owned, how much is ready to be an invitation for myself and others. And in order to see all of that, I needed to sit exactly where I was, let myself be here as the message came through, fully owning where I was, fully owning the places where, yeah, it's okay. 

I created something from a place that wasn't quite right. So let's just sit with it. Its essence is still beautiful. It's just like us humans, like the creations, like a tune in and connect call. The essence is incredibly beautiful. The essence and the reason that it's here and the reason that it came through is incredibly powerful. And there's layers to strip away, to get down to or as close as we can to that core. And you could call that ironic because that's exactly how I explain my one on one work with people is imagining themselves wearing millions and millions of layers of clothing, and they can't even see themselves or feel themselves underneath it anymore. They might have so many clothes on they could hardly move, but they don't know how to take them off. Or they try to take them off and they just come back. And in the container of my one on one work, we invite and make the space for the exploration of allowing them, each layer, to just fall away naturally, allowing each piece of clothing to dissolve off, to be stripped off, to be ripped off. However, it needs to come off. And over time, we touch into the crux of who we are. That rock or gumby inner middle part of us. I call that our gumby self, sometimes just to give a visual.

And then when we hit the gumby self, we often need to sit with our gumby self. And the rawness and the whoa. I've never lived like this before. I've never felt myself here before. Let me breathe here.  I'm scared to be seen here. And also it feels really good. So we dance with that. 

And I felt like, once again, I connected with my gumby self in a different way, on a new layer, on a new level in December. So as we walk into the beginning of the year, it's become really fun. After having sat in the silence and just letting myself be kind of in the undoneness of also so much grief, the holiday season, this surprised me once again with how grief filled it was and also being in that really called me to owning it more fully. And I've been doing this for quite a few months. But it hit in a different way, really owning fully how much my work in EllieFlow is here to intertwine with the process of moving through loss and being changed by loss and being changed by the things that we have to walk through that we did not choose. And allowing this to be a conscious process that brings deeper connection to ourselves and deeper connection to our life as we move through it. And it can feel like this huge internal and often external mess, in my experience. And everything in your life and everything in mine is touched by loss when it comes. And no matter how close the loss was to you, everything is touched by it. And so much of what's been shown to me in the past year is working with my clients, is the ways that grief is presenting itself and asking to be seen and held and acknowledged and allowed to transform, given. Space to transform given space to sit in the undoneness that it creates. To sit in the places of mess and then to compost what's ready to be composted and then to nourish what's ready to be sprouted from that place. And this is a process that can't be rushed. 

And when I first started, I mean, it wasn't really a start, I guess when my mom died, I said to my coach, I don't want to work with grief ever. I don't want anything to have to do with grief. This is not I don't want it to inform my work. I don't want it to inform my clients. I don't want anything to do with it. And we laughed about that a couple of months ago because it was kind of grief was knocking on my door of "hey, when are you finally going to let me in? To be part of what you're doing, to be part of what you came here to share, to teach and to guide?" And I obviously am doing that from a place of someone that is in commitment, walking with my grief forward even though I don't like it sometimes. And what I realized when I really sat with it over the end of the summer and into the fall and now even more in December, is, yeah, I wanted nothing to do with grief in my work, but my greatest kind of superpowers and commitments are working with life. And nothing says working with life more than working with grief. And as we open to grief, we open to life. 

And I recently found this beautiful, beautiful poem that I wrote and the last line says, "but do not push the grief away, for it is a sign of life." And so rounding this out and coming back to the reflection of this message that I received and shared and then sat with very fully and very potently in December of allowing ourselves to be here, breathing, fully feeling yourself here, fully owning, being in this body, in this moment, exactly how you feel, loving what you love, not loving what you don't love.

This is the underlying invitation to so much that will be shared through EllieFlow in 2023, beginning with some refined and updated tune in and connect sessions, one of which will be themed, and we'll see if the other one is too. I'm not quite sure yet.

And for all those that are ready to step into an exploration of their "gumby" self, of their rawness, of their aliveness without the clothes on, even though it's scary and takes time and takes patience and attention and grace and we will just be with each of the layers until it's ready to go. You are so welcome in here. So I'll leave this here. I will leave information about joining those next tune in and connect sessions. Leave information about working with me one on one this quarter or this semester.

And I'm so happy to be walking into a new year with Rejuvenation. And I will continue to nurture that rejuvenation and I hope to continue to nurture it in everybody that I interact with through Ellie flow and in my life, truly. 

In the fall, Ellie Flow really showed me this beautiful imagery and showed me the words sanctuary and oasis. And underneath that I could feel just like this deep restoration of our beings that can happen as we move with her and dance with her. And I am so honored and excited to invite all that desire to come in, that feel ready for this space, in. 

So I am wishing you space to be, to fully be as you enter the new year, to check in with your mode of being in terms of survival versus thriving drained or energized where you're needing rejuvenation and what you're ready for. 

As you walk forward, may the rhythm and the pace be perfectly attuned to your heart and where you are in your life and what you're needing. And if that is somewhere that you would like to meet, I would be honored to do so. All the blessings as we begin January, and if you like the audio newsletters, podcast things, let me know. Thanks so much. Take care. All my love, be well."

The Power of Deep Coaching + walking a path of committed limitless becoming and transformation

This was originally written on July 14th, 2022

It’s been an intense last few days of all of the feels (I see you full moon) - grief, resisting my grief, self doubt and criticism, blah-ness, tears and more tears, fear, irritation… - feeling the overwhelm of it all, releasing each piece and part as I am ready, and then opening to and allowing the energetic shift that is ready to unfold.

This week has been a practice of recognizing new layers of my deep and long-lived survival patterns and being able to finally observe them from a new lens and energy - instead of reacting our of a survival loop, finding more peace in simply holding and being with the reactivity this patterns stir up in my mind and body. I am immensely encouraged by this, as this feels like a ground for healing on this new layer and level.

And as I always do, I have landed in a place of clarity and open heartedness once again. A place from which I can my make clear, aligned decisions and offer myself grace, permission, and immense love and compassion once again.

From achievement orientation to process orientation

You see, walking a path of committed limitless becoming and transformation, and meeting and guiding others on their version of that path, does not release anyone from the human experience and the healing available in fully embracing it. Quite the opposite actually. Personally, in many ways I feel it intensifies the journey, reconfirming over and over again that I am willing to walk through my darkest valleys, no matter how short or long, to reconnect with my light. That I am willing to stand in the fire, lay down and surrender, open and receive, over and over again. Each time on a new layer, a new level. 

Part of the reason I love what I do is that is challenges the status quo on growth, personal development and coaching as the world knows it currently. 

We are conditioned to focus purely on the achievements, measuring ourselves and others against what is and isn’t accomplished, but when that is all we focus on, we are missing so much of the magic of life! The truth is that there is no “there”, no “arrival” on this path. We may reach new levels and states, but there is no end to all we can grow into and become.

The theme of moving from "doing-ness" to "being-ness" is something I explore a lot with my clients, and as that transition happens, we naturally begin to move from what I like to call moving from "achievement orientation to process orientation".

When we open and shift into process orientation, we can take in and allow all of the gifts that bloom along that path, instead of being so tunnel vision focused on the outcome. In my experience, it truly opens us to life fully and there is magic and beauty even in the really challenging and trying times.

The Energetic Shift

As I have worked with this transition in my own life in the past 4 years, one of the most powerful shifts I have observed is that the way I interact with myself and life is SO DIFFERENT than it used to be, and because of this, I love being me. Even though there are of course hard days, I love who I am today. I love this version of me, this “open and here for it all” Ellie.

I see that in my clients everyday as well. Even when nothing is “figured out yet”, resolved, or clear - even when the relationship with someone is difficult or strained, even when uncertainty or grief hits harder than ever before, even when pain arises once again - the shift in being that Deep coaching and transformational work facilitates and supports truly opens us to a powerful relationship with all parts of ourselves, life, others, and beyond that is filled with possibility, with freedom, with energy, and with LOVE.

It facilitates an energetic shift that changes everything. How we feel with ourselves. How our inner life feels. How our body feels.  How our outer life feels. How our relationship to God feels, as well as our own humanness and divinity. Nothing goes untouched. 

One of my mentors of the last few years, Pilar Lesko, a woman the feels like a deeply connected soul friend, recently wrote in one of her beautiful newsletters, “Life doesn’t become ‘perfect’, absolved of difficulty, contrast, tension, mistakes, and pain. You do not get everything you think you want. But rather, you become more available to interact with life, as it is - and through that, meet the wise, sacred and meaning-filled energy that permeates each moment. You receive the lessons, transformation, and healing that’s available and reality consistently re-orients to that devotion. You naturally generate more authenticity, kindness, and generosity. You experience more peace, joy, play, flow, and clarity. Everything seems more beautiful.”

Those words ring so true and depict this never-ending experience of becoming and transformation so well. 

I often say to one of my friends, “As we expand into one part of ourselves, all parts of us expand - even when we can’t see it all yet.” Despite what we must walk through, the fullness and the beauty only multiplies if we are willing to make room for it.

Being with Yourself (+ Free Meditation)

A few weeks ago, shortly after revealing Ellie•Flow, I found myself going through all of the meditations I have created over the last few years on my computer.  There are A LOT of them, so I pressed play on each one, listening to the tone of my voice and the connection of heart and mind carried through in every practice. 

I found some I had forgotten about and still really love - meditations that still ‘hold up’ – a loving and powerful energetic invitation is felt from the moment I press play.  Others I enjoyed finding and listening to again because they felt a little less energetically full, which allowed me to, yet again, reflect on how much I have deepened, evolved, and grown in my connection, gifts, and leadership over the past few years.

Within seconds of pressing play on each meditation, I could feel the energy I had created it from. Sifting through each recording reminded me of every stage of the few years. I remembered weeks where I made things happen through ‘push and force’ energy and sheer determination to not give up. I remembered weeks where my heart had been peeled (or cracked) open on yet another layer. I remembered that through that pain, I had opened, connected with myself and beyond, and felt feelings deeper than I had ever allowed myself to feel. I remembered how from that soft and vulnerable inner place something beautiful was always born, no matter how tiny it felt in the moment.  In the tone and frequency of my voice and words, I remembered it all.

Maybe about 10 meditations in to my memory lane listening exhibition , I came across a 6 minute audio titled “Being with Yourself”.  The title alone surprised me, as the practice of being with myself is so integrated into who I am today that I don't really need to consciously think those words anymore.  But it wasn’t always this way, and simply seeing this title brought the memories of all of the years I didn't know how to be with myself; all of the years I disconnected, distracted, denied what felt true within me, rushed to the forefront of my mind. This title brought back the hundreds of times that the simple practice of reconnecting with myself - layer after layer - felt hard and heavy with resistance.

Yet with intention, desire, and deep deep KNOWING that there was more to live, I returned.

Layer by layer, I practiced inviting in breath, inviting in sacred love and attention to each part of my being. I practiced inviting in willingness, to come back to feeling and wholeness when I felt myself hardening from fear, anger, grief, pain, or uncertainty.

From the moment I found the practice on my computer, before I even pressed play, I felt excited to share it with you. What a gift it would have been to past me to have a 6-minute practice I could turn to every day, no matter how or where I found myself. Something so minimal, just to help get the ball rolling in the direction of reconnection when everything felt hard and empty.

A simple and accessible offering and invitation to re-arrive in your body, in your Self - to come home, over-and-over again. 

I of course needed to listen to it again before sharing. So, I pressed play and heard this stream of consciousness intro: 

"The theme of this week’s meditation is ‘Being with Yourself’. Often when we are in times of stress, chaos, or feeling unsafe or having lots of uncertainty, we look for things outside of ourselves to sooth and calm ourself, instead of simply being present with what’s going on with in us, with our feelings , and with what’s coming up. So making a small space for yourself everyday to literally sit in silence, in love with yourself, to hear yourself, and to be willing to allow what desires to surface, to surface so you can be relieved of it, is a powerful daily practice. And this will be a light way to do this for 5 minutes at a time, and lead you into it. Know you are not alone, I am holding space with you, I am here with you breathing along side you, and you do not need to journey through any of what you are walking through alone."

There is a lot coursing in us and around us right now, and I believe that taking moments to be with yourself, with the fullness of all you are and feel, has never been so important.

The art of being with ourselves isn't just for hard moments - it is powerful and important to fully be with all of our joy, delight, fun, play, and beyond too - but learning to open to the hard moments and pain is where the depth of my transformative walk began, and I know that may be true for others as well.

If this practice calls to you, if a guided 6-minute practice would feel like a supportive gift, then I invite you to press play and begin now:

(Please Note: this practice intentionally does not have any music to help guide you into a place of stillness and presence with the totally of your being)

Soon I will have multiple longer meditations and recorded practices (options with and without background music) up for sale on my website, to be purchased individually or as a bundle.  Keep your eyes peeled if that is your sort of thing!

I will leave you with this: 

I like to imagine a planet where everyone simply had or created 6-minutes of space to be with themselves before heading out into the world.  I like to imagine how different things would be if we knew how to hold ourselves, to let ourselves FEEL and connect before we act. If we individually and collectively knew how to feel the pulse of our own energy moving through our bodies and beings - if we felt clarity on what isn't really ours and how to release it with love to reconnect with the truth of who we are.

I am holding a vision for that world, for all the possibilities alive there, for all of us. May it begin now with 6 loving minutes of opening today.

If you are ready to dive deeper, I would love to welcome you into a coaching session. Learn more and book here.

I don’t simply want to be alive, I want to LIVE.

I have been led on a sacred path of opening to the daily unfolding of life, of connecting to the essence of life and engaging with it a little bit more fully each day, for many years now.

My pain led me to the water of living. More specifically, my pain carried me to a point of  internal collapse in 2018 where I found myself saying “I can’t live like this anymore”, over and over again. 

Despite my deepest fears, in order to consciously choose life, I had no other option but to open to my pain – to open my arms to it, and embrace it fully for the first time ever. I could no longer run from it, block it, push it down. If I wanted to live fully, which I did (even though I didn’t really know what that meant or felt like), I no longer had room in my being to ignore it. 

I turned toward my pain with fear at first, afraid of what it would do to me. But the irony is that when I actually found the right support, and allowed myself to look at it and hold it with love, I began to see it with beauty and tenderness that not only allowed healing, it also began to transform my way of life.

I kept this journey private on many levels for many years, marveling at the possibilities of reaching new states of living as I encountered or approached them time and time again. Over time, I’m sure the magic of this process started to bubble up and spill out out of my Ellie fountain. Others around me observed and felt shifts they couldn’t pinpoint, and I couldn’t quite find the words to share fully yet. 

leaning into the shifts in being

Even when the days and weeks felt dense, each month offered new teachings. The deeper and deeper I dove inward, following the calling of the Spring of Life, the deeper I could breathe.

I felt clear and open, connected to an energy inside that I learned I could tap into any moment, knowing my heart and God within was all right there. The feeling was was indescribable – an undeniable energy of being and becoming led me forward with hope, to an empowered passion to guide others to the possibilities of living, even though I still had so much to walk on my own (and perhaps always will).

I thought, “Oh the possibilities for the world if everyone had space to feel their version of this inside of them.”

It was beyond wholeness; it was living wholeness.

Perhaps it was meant to be a private journey until now, until I could process, understand, and hold it on new levels. Until I could truly embody and dance with the powerful platter of sweetness, rawness, pain, joy, peace, divinity and humanness all combined into each moment. 

I am still being initiated into new layers and levels of living everyday, and even though I need moments of pause to play and rejuvenate along the way, I hope it never ends. 

I’ve dreamed for years of sharing this process. This week I found a special reminder I had written on a sticky note at a business retreat in 2018. While doing a meditation around connecting with our businesses and selves, I tapped into a vision of what my spirit felt like and desired for the first time; I saw myself dancing down an empty street and as I passed the houses, people started flooding out, joining me and welcoming more and more people to join us as we grooved forward together.

Afterwards I wrote: “Spirit: A leader, dancing through the street, having fun, inviting + encouraging others. Leading the way.”

I was years from connecting with Ellie Flow, still very much at in the infancy of my own process, just arriving to the point of collapse I referenced above. And yet the energy that I aim for Ellie Flow to hold was already alive inside of me: an inviting place for encouragement, expression of the soul, and dancing through life together.

There is so much alive inside of you, I promise. Maybe it’s ready to pour out now, or maybe your soul is ready to leave you a clue for later - for the perfect future moment when you will be fully ready for it.

If you feel called, book your first session and let’s tap in, explore, and dance forward together.

The internal grief clock (a poem for compassionate witnessing)

I wrote this poem in the summer of 2021, a raw 5ish months after my mother’s passing (Feb 19th). This expression explores and puts words to the quiet hardening that often happens as any anniversaries or important dates approach when living with grief and loss.

In my experience, grief can can creep up or come on suddenly, and now almost a year later the way it makes itself present in different than when I wrote this, but my body remains powerfully synched with my internal grief clock.

I have learned, and am still learning every day, to treat my internal grief clock with deep respect, honoring, and sacredness, even when my mind tendency is to want to bypass this process and overcome it.

For me, Grief is a never-ending initiation into softening and surrendering yet again, into opening and listening yet again, into feeling with my whole heart and body, even though protective patterns in of my mind want to keep me from the potential pain.

My hope in sharing this poem and experience is to extend compassionate witnessing and holding to others experiencing deep grief of any kind, as well as space and love to invite the sacredness back in to your process.

Today I grant you an invitation to tap in and listen to your inner grief clock, and remember, there is nothing wrong with you no matter how you feel your grief today.

The Internal Grief Clock

Like clockwork

Even when my brain doesn’t realize it

My body can feel it.

The heaviness comes

The helplessness

The numb, dull, stay-in-bed depression.

This again?! Grief is this you?

I can’t even feel the answer.

Everything feels so dark

I go searching for every other reason I could feel like this, yet again

Disconnected

Hopeless

Stuck

Dead inside.

I see the date on my phone - the 16th, not the 19th

It mustn’t be grief this time, I think

It must be me.

No matter what I do

Here I am again.

The next day passes, and then the next

Glimpses of light and lightness

Moments of feeling alive again, but mostly

I am constantly weighing how to move through the day, what I can muster the energy for.

Until I can’t fight it anymore, and I roll over and stay in bed

Surrendering to the nothingness

To the missing motivation

To the missing desire.

Then I see that date again

The 19th.

I ask again, could this be grief?

At first I shake my head, but then

The tears begin to fall

My voice returns, and I can

Speak my thoughts and fears.

I miss my mom

I talk to her

I call my sister, text my dad

I tell my husband it’s been 5 months.

I ask him if it feels longer or shorter to him and he replies

“Some days it feels closer, and some days it feels further away.”

And he is exactly right.

On the 19th she feels so close, yet so far away all at once.

On the 19th’s and the days leading up

My body remembers first, even when my head can’t connect the dots

And there is nothing to do or change, even when it doesn’t make sense.

Then the 20th comes, and I feel

Half human again

Half alive again

Able to breathe again

Hungry again

Awake again

Able to move again.

And everything still hurts

But it all somehow looks brighter too.

2021: a year of Loss, deep grief, & reckoning (Part 1)

Introductory note: In mid-January 2022, as I was starting to create this website and open space for my work to be shared again, I felt the need and calling to sit down and write my 2021 story. I had no choice but to journey into the deep throws and upheaval of loss and grief in 2021, a process that, for me at the time, demanded pulling back from much of life as I had known it. As I prepared to step forward and share again, something felt missing – so much had changed within me. I had contracted on all levels and then exponentially expanded and taken new form over and over again, and I continue to; it felt weird and disconnecting to share EllieFlow without also sharing the pain and process that opened me to this creation, and the many creations that are to come.

So I sat down to build you a bridge through my words, a bridge that would carry you from who I was when you perhaps last knew me as the founder of Deeply Nourished for Life, to who I am now. As I began to write, the following poured out:

I am opening to 2022 after a year I will never forget. 

I welcomed 2021 with a panic attack on New Year’s Eve. I had never had a panic attack before, but after watching a movie at home with my husband and then heading to bed before midnight, my body began to tremble and my breath shortened. I was brushing my teeth when a cold-to-the-bone feeling washed over me. 

I told my husband I was feeling anxious and he asked, “What changed in the last 10 minutes? We were just laughing at the movie and you were ok.” I felt irritated by the question, partly because it was true – I had been contently watching the movie moments ago, so what had happened? I distracted perhaps, or just…disconnected from myself?

I crawled into bed and the moment I tried to lay down it got worse, feeling frigid and shaking uncontrollably no matter how hard I tried to hold still and get warm. 

Ironically I was simultaneously running the most aligned program I had ever run before, sharing daily videos, meditations, writing prompts and teachings with 14 amazing humans on how to connect with their own authentic energy and selves as we walked into 2021.

During the day, as I prepared, guided, and taught each day through the program, I felt so alive and excited to open to what wanted to be birthed. My passion for exploring the depths of our beingness and holding space to feel into all of it freely poured out of me. And yet here I was that night, sitting on the edge of my bed on New Years Eve at 11pm, unable to even lie down. 

As I clenched my husbands hand, I tapped into one of my favorite teachings of the program, a teaching on creating and understanding safety within ourselves to create a basis for healing and connection. As I tapped in, I knew on a deep level that I was physically safe and spiritually safe, despite my body’s intense physical response. However, on an emotional level a deep fear had overcome me and I didn’t even know where it stemmed from. 

At the time, I chalked it up to fear that I had given my family COVID over Christmas, even though no one was feeling ill and I hadn’t been sick. Now I look back and I believe that my panic was brought on by a soul knowing that my mind at the time couldn’t comprehend. On some level I knew that all was not well as an enormous wave of fear and anticipatory grief crashed through my body. 

In my depths, so much was stirring…

What was happening? What would happen? Was Mom going to be ok? Would we make it to our month-long California getaway in a few weeks like we had planned?

Would I ever find the courage to tell her some of the things that were on my heart, some of the ways I felt pain and desire for more in our relationship?

Would I get to see her have fun and laugh many more times like I dreamed? Would she still be spunky and vibrant in daily life, as I believed she was at her core? Would I get to be her silly daughter again, or convince her to dance with me like I dreamed? Would we ever get to be free together, totally us and totally free of the weight of the cancer again?

As the shaking progressed, I miraculously found a homeopathic remedy (categorized as a remedy for fear of death and dying even though in that moment I believe I was most afraid of my mom’s death, not my own) to help move me out of my panic state that night.  I fell asleep and January began. I continued with my program, but once it ended I felt restless in my being.

I had all of these dreams for my business and yet everything felt so off inside. I had spent years in exploration of who I really was and what I was called here to do, and I KNEW (and that knowing is still there) that there was so much that wanted (and wants) to be shared through me. 

I often became irritated with myself, feeling myself holding back for reasons I couldn’t comprehend. Some days I was able to tap into the river of life and Spirit flowing through me, other days I was unable to move. I felt stuck in a fog of lethargy and depression.

And then more scary little moments started to unfold, as if they had popped out of my worst nightmares. Notes from my mom’s best friend saying how hard it was that my mom didn’t feel well enough to go to Chemo that week. Texts from my sister saying, “Are you planning on coming to Mom and Dad’s anytime soon? I think you should plan to come next week.”

Just like there had been at Christmas time last year, there would be hours where my mom was alive and attentive. She baked cakes from new recipes that intrigued her to take people with new babies or friends that had birthdays. She did Qi-Gong for hours a day, and went for walks in the cold Minnesota winters. And we’d talk on the phone – I can still hear her attentive “hmm mm”s, and “oh yea”s on the other end as I updated her about things in Milwaukee. Or she’d call to ask me to order her some more supplements or to discuss nutrition or fertility resources for one of her homeopathic clients. 

But there were also many moments everyday when she was in pain, when nothing tasted good and it became hard for her to eat and sustain her weight. There were weeks when her chemo side effects caused so much water retention in her belly and legs that finding clothes and shoes that were comfortable was nearly impossible. 

Around January 20th, after a very scary night of pain, my dad took my mom to the hospital where she stayed for a week due to an infection in her abdominal fluid. My sister had been texting me and asking me to pray, and updating me as they called her doctors and made the decision.

Taking her to the hospital terrified us all, especially after 9-months of a world-wide pandemic. But as they treated the infection and as the pain subsided we found hope. If you knew my mom, you know she was a fighter that found purpose and energy for life over and over again, even in the toughest mental and physical times of cancer treatment and life.  My Dad’s voice rings in my ears as I write: “We think if she can just get home to rest, and we can get a lot of good food in her, she can recover from this.”

She returned home, and we were all relieved.  Yet the daunting uncertainty of her recovery loomed over us. We postponed our trip to California, and my sister and I started to rotate being at my parents’ house to support to be with our mom, and support Dad in the care taking.

There were days when she stomached her meds and vitamins and ate full bowls of soup, for which we cheered and celebrated. There were also many days where we all felt hopeless and helpless trying to keep her comfortable, vibrant, and healing. 

She never stopped chiming in with her intelligent thoughts and mental attentiveness. In early February I remember her saying, “Your Dad is hovering again. I hate when he does that!” I am chuckling now remembering her exact position and annoyed expression as she stated this to me. But the truth was it was so hard not to hover – it came from a deep place of love and concern.

The first week I was with her, after she made it clear she hated the hovering, I perched over a table a few feet away from her recliner while I dove into the hardest puzzle we had ever attempted. The puzzle had been sitting on that table since Christmas when we deemed it impossible, but this time I was determined to make her proud and give her something she loved to focus on.

It was hard to know what to say in many moments, really just wanting to be present and connected without wasting the energy she needed to heal, so I’d ask if I should put on music. She would surprisingly say OK. I will never forget those nights, looking over my left shoulder at her as she half slept while I hummed and sang along to my favorite Beautiful Chorus albums simultaneously in search of the next perfect puzzle piece. 

The intimacy and sacredness of her last few weeks of life feel unmatchable. A beingness, a togetherness, a lovingness seemed powerfully present in our family as we journeyed through the hardest days of our lives.

A few weeks in we sat on the couch together. Knowing that she wasn’t getting better she said “I’m so sorry sweetie”. And I replied, “I’m so sorry too, Mom.” Then between sobs, “But when I look at you or think of you, all I feel is love. So much love.” 

Our hands were clasped together and I rested my head against hers. After a few minutes of sweet silence I felt her drifting off, so I asked if she had fallen asleep. She didn’t respond right away, and when she did it came from some connected and peaceful place, “I’m just soaking in the love.” 

So there we sat, soaking each other in. I left a few hours later, and  sobbed the whole 3.5 hour drive home. 

The next day I recalled the moment while speaking with her older sister, my Aunt Mary, and she reflected back to me something like, “That is probably how she has felt for 32 years, just soaking in the love since the day you were born.”

Many of the other most impactful moments from her last weeks of life still feel too sacred and intimate to describe fully in words, like when I gave her a bath that turned into a deeply healing moment of grace and love for us both 6 days before she died.

Or when my sister and I braved a traumatic night trying to keep her comfortable with the help of the hair dryer (she liked feeling the hot air blown on her weak legs) and alternating doses of Morphine and Lorazepam.  That night was also the last night we heard her laugh and say, “Love you, El. Love you, Syl” despite the state of delusion she was in. It was the hardest night of my life to date.

Maybe someday I’ll be able to share them more in writing, but for now words just can’t communicate the depth of pain, love, fear, peace, connection, rage and despair that were all bundled into one moment.

She died on Friday morning, February 19th, 2021 around 9:10am, surrounded by my Dad, my sister and myself. We were only 50 days into 2021 and our world had been turned upside down. 

In ways there were moments of weird relief that followed, and feelings of aliveness I struggled to connect with again months later. Moments where my sensitivity and creativity dial was turned way up and I’d write beautiful poems or channel new business plans.

I even somehow found the energy to do a miraculous packing job before her funeral, fitting enough clothes for her funeral, Shiva, and 3 weeks in California into a carry-on. Two weeks after she died my Dad and I drove from Minnesota to California with his dog to finish out whatever we could of our Airbnb reservation from the family trip we had planned with Mom. We got to the Pacific in 2.5 days and I’m still not sure how we did it.

My sister and husband met us there, and that trip was such a blessing (I now highly recommend a bereavement trip after someone passes at home, if that is a possibility financially and otherwise). In that Oxnard, California Airbnb I could feel my mom everywhere - it felt so right and refreshing to be there, yet heartbreaking she didn’t join us physically. It was also where I collapsed for the first time a few days into the trip, no longer being able to hold it all together.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but it wasn’t until I returned home in late March that the shock began to wear off, and the darkness of grief started to set in.

As I slowed down and tried to return to work and other day-to-day responsibilities, I started to feel like I was living in a dream (some days felt more like a fog).

What had just happened? Who was I now? How was I supposed to pick up life and keep moving after watching my beloved mother wither away as she transitioned out of this world? What was even the point of everything I had witnessed and lived in the past two months if I was just supposed to pick up where I had left off?

It felt like a cruel joke. 

Pieces of me felt like they had died with my Mom. In other ways I felt like I was coming to life more than ever before. Yet it all felt heartbreaking.

Part 2 will be posted soon.