EP #1. Introducing My New Podcast: The Fountain with Ellie Thomas

I have a really exciting announcement today - a project I have been playing with since mid-march is finally ready to be shared with you!

After 5 months of listening, exploring, advancing, and then retracting and refining until it felt more clear, The Fountain with Ellie Thomas Podcast is LIVE 🎉🎧✨.

The Becoming of The Fountain began months ago…

When I let go of the Deeply Nourished For Life podcast and took it off air in early 2021, I had no idea if another show would emerge with time or not.  Now, 2.5 years later, many of the elements that I originally engaged as part of my work with Deeply Nourished for Life and The Well Together Collective have re-emerged, asking to be shared, explored, and offered with the energy that now flows through me.

While it doesn't seem that surprising in hindsight, each time it happens feels pretty wild – like an old, long-lost friend arriving at my door after years of being out of touch, yet knowing the love has never faltered. There is catching up to do, new expression available on both ends, lots of questions and reflections to be entertained, and eagerness to get to know each other as we are now and see what can become of our re-union.

This new podcast first tapped me on the shoulder in early March of this year.  I had just taught a class on Sacred Grief, where I shared pieces of my walk with grief and its transformative nature in my life.  While I unconsciously knew there was exponential wisdom ready to be shared through me, it wasn't until the class finished that I had a clearer glimpse of just how much, and how eagerly it wanted be let out.

I believe that once embodied, wisdom and teachings don't need to be spoken to be shared and of service - our simple beingness can bestow them.  However,  as the internal treasure chest opened that day, I saw that each jewel would only multiply and take its fullest shape and form when I offered them to an external home – a place where those hungry could arrive, receive, connect and interact with the energy of the learnings, and then make them their own.  

As I played with the creation of a new podcast, at first I thought the show was meant to be purely grief focused. But as I began to record episodes on the topic, it didn't feel quite right.  Something felt flat, and while grief is never one dimensional (in my experience), focusing solely on it was too limited for what was in flow for this podcast. 

Over the past month, as I let go more fully of my original understanding, The Fountain appeared.  I chuckled to myself when it landed so clearly. Grief, and grief as transformational force in life, is a prominent part of my fountain and it will be part of the podcast flow, but it is just one piece of the whole and there is so much more ready to spill out.

ALL OF ME, ALL OF LIFE, AND ALL OF YOU WANTED TO BE WELCOMED INTO THIS NEW EXPERIENCE. 

As I say in the intro:

"This show is a place where we connect with our multi-dimensionality. With the Life, the living water flowing within us, through mind, body, Spirit, heart, and All. This show is a place where we explore it all, where we tap into wisdom that has surfaced through pain and joy, and the fullness of our journeys. This podcast is a place to come and remember, to sink back into, the living water that flows within you, and to be guided back to your fountain, your fullness, your wholeness."

I am so excited to birth this new space and share it with you. It feels out there in the perfect Ellie way, and aligned with my heart and fullness. I hope it brings you into your heart and fullness instantly as you listen and take it in.

I would love to hear what arises for you as you listen, and anything specific you'd like to hear more about on the show. 

I'd also be immensely grateful it you take a moment to share the show with someone that comes to heart or mind, and rate and review the it on your favorite listening platform!

P.S. This spring I also received the intuitive message that many of us that are meant to share our voices in a new wave of podcasting are feeling the tug on our hearts, or taps on our shoulders. If this is you, may this be encouragement to you to take your next step in the exploration.

One Year of ELLIE•FLOW

On Saturday, EllieFlow officially turned one! 

I’ll never forget sending the emails to reveal the (re)new(ed) platform for my work last year. It was a sunny Friday afternoon, and I sat at the table in our back yard. I hadn’t expected to be at home that day – we had a wedding to attend out of town but a few days earlier my husband wasn’t feeling well and we opted not to make the trip.  In the liberated and unexpected space that became available, I felt the call, “It’s time, she’s ready, they’re ready, you’re ready.”

EllieFlow had first dropped in a year earlier, during a time when I could hardly move most days, so stricken with shock and grief, feeling quite empty and disconnected as everything I had placed value on previously didn’t seem relevant anymore. I had fully released my previous businesses a month or so earlier, and embarked on sabbatical as I grappled with what would come of me, of my life, of my marriage, of my home, of my family, of my future, and more.  

As I recall this, I am flooded with tearful remembrance of the simultaneous lost-ness and the unexpected peace that graced the suspended time where release of the past met the blank page of the future.  
 

There is something about those early days and months post-loss that is incomparable to anything else I’ve lived - it offered crystal clarity about what was important to me, what felt right and what didn’t, while also gently commanding daily surrender to the unknown because there was absolutely no other way of living within my reach.  At first, there was nothing to know, so everything that required knowing, I would dismiss or place on hold. As the weeks and months passed, that became more difficult, and I would try to fight the not knowing.  My top notch intellect jumped at the task of figuring “it” out or making a plan.  Maybe it would work for a day or two, but then I’d be kicked out of the illusion and sent right back to my on-going soul work of accepting exactly where I was and the fact that I had absolutely no idea what would come. 
 

Amidst a moment of complete acceptance while sitting on my couch in June 2021, fully tapped into the moment, the EllieFlow name and vision arrived.  I wrote it down, along with my interpretation and meaning of the fountain, but had little energy to do much more.  

So I let it go with a prayer “If this is what’s next, it will come when it’s ready, when I’m ready.” 

A month later, a friend and colleague referred someone to me for coaching. At the time, my old website had one phrase next to my picture and a ‘contact me’ section. Yet, this person felt the resonance and a week later we had an exploratory call (for which I was 40-minutes late because I lost track of time painting with my beloved friend Anna) while I sat on the floor of my soon-to-be-office in the house we were moving into. The walls were still a robin’s egg blue that felt so far from the vibe I hoped to create, and I worried she would hear the echo of the empty space as we spoke on the phone.  I was very transparent with her that I was amidst a season of immense grief and recalibration, but when she asked, I shared what I had lived in my own journey of transformation so far and what I offered to my clients. 

She felt the EllieFlow energy before it was anything tangible and we began working together.  

In the months that followed, my shock dissolved more and without its gentle and constant cushioning from the reality of life without my mom, I entered the darkest mind-body-soul grief void I have lived. Beyond the sessions with my new client (which I loved, cherished, and felt so alive in), I had little capacity to do anything with the idea after idea that popped into my head – all I dreamed of creating through EllieFlow.  I bounced between the bliss of the creative energy arising in moments, and the fear and doubt that it would never become anything or that I would be stuck in the void forever.

The first days of 2022 felt especially bleak, but I felt called to update my resume for the first time since I started Deeply Nourished for Life in 2017.  What began as a mundane process became a magical journey of remembering what a fucking badass I am. As I read through everything I had led, supported, and co-created through Deeply Nourished For Life & The Well Together Collective, all amidst an international move, relocating to a new city, my mom’s multi-year journey with cancer, treatment, then death, and my own multi-dimensional healing journey, I saw myself and my life with renewed hope.

The process liberated and updated my energy, and shortly afterward, I could feel EllieFlow ready to take visible form. 

I played for hours with the colors, logo and heart-filled words that would represent this soul mission; 90% of the new platform for my offerings was created in 3 days in mid-January.

As you know, there were still multiple months of life and process I needed to live before I was ready to unveil her, but when I did finally share EllieFlow with you all last June, nothing felt more right. And yet again, I had no idea what would come next. 
 

If you’ve been following along since then, you know this year has been about stepping out of my grief cocoon and into the amplified capacity and vision my becoming has led me to so far. It has been about being consciously willing and open to take the inner and outer steps as they have presented themselves, to share what I offer and who I am with those that are ready, while simultaneously allowing myself to be seen and known in my imperfect process.

EllieFlow is the keeper of my soul work - inward and outward. 

This year has been a maturation from inner toddlerhood into rooted womanhood, trusting and allowing myself to fill the space I effortlessly command with softness, openness, love, vitality, passion and reverence for the depths that are often painful to journey into.

This year has been a year of getting to know the fullness of EllieFlow, and spending time with the sacred land of rejuvenation and restoration that I am here to steward.

Every step of the way she has required that I let go of what I think she needs to be and the timeline of where I think I need to be.  She has required vulnerability and openness, a willingness to meet the moment fully with deep trust that all is being nurtured and nourished to support growth and the greater mission in perfect timing. She has required that I be brave enough to embrace the often not-so-glamourusseeming missions I am here to support and carry out. 
 

Every time I sit with her, she is more full, luscious, and ample than I previously realized.  She is wise and patient, never in a rush, enjoying what is already flourishing amidst her forests, prairies, ponds, shores, around her benches.  And of course receiving what is flowing in her majestic fountain. She invites me to sit in the center and delight in her exactly as she is right now, especially when I am feeling impatient or discouraged. 

This year of playing in EllieFlow land has been a gift.

Every client session reveled in. Every writing vortex entered. Every newsletter breathed in. Every healing space held.

Every challenging moment I have met within myself or my life. Every moment of awe and richness felt in the simple beauty of being alive.

Every minute spent on a walk with my dog, talking out loud to myself and the trees or convening with the birds.

Every yoga class.

Every opportunity to share and teach I have been invited into. 

Every time I have sobbed alone, or to my husband, my friends, my Dad, my sister, my mentor, and to God in grief, fear, doubt or disappointment. 

Every moment of belief in what is to come.

Every moment of celebration for what is unfolding.

Every month I could feel the momentum building underground. Every month something new sprouted. Every month when it seemed like nothing was happening.

Every time I asked for a sign. Every time I received one.

Every word spoken to my mom. Every minute listening for her.

Every kitchen dance party. Every nap needed. Every pottery piece crafted.

Every cuddle and Saturday morning breakfast with my husband.

Every moment of acceptance of who I am and the fullness that is alive within, right here, right now.

Every offering. Every surrender.
 

All of it, and sharing it with you, a gift. 

Here’s to the vibrant year of flourishing flow ahead. While I feel the arrival of many blossoming creations, I won’t dare say that I know all it will hold.

But I trust the connection, wisdom, liberated energy and expression, healing, and beauty that is already supported here will only deepen. 

I invite you in.

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Presence: The Golden Key That Unlocked My Flow

Last week in an Instagram story I shared that at the crux of giving and receiving love (and what I believe is at the core of all love languages) is PRESENCE. Later that day, a loved one asked me on the phone what had helped me in becoming and being more present in my life.

The full answer comes in a long and winding healing story that spans the last 5 years (and continues on, of course), but I loved her question because 

PRESENCE is the golden key that unlocked my flow. 

While offering my presence and energy to others was more natural years ago (and now I can see that the quality of that presence was not always of my highest offering as I was often in my head and not embodied), cultivating presence with myself and everything swirling inside of me did not come easy to me. 

I was the Queen of avoidance of my inner workings, pain, needs, desires, and more, and I needed A LOT of support in the early years of working with my coach to feel safe enough to really allow presence in - to really allow myself to slow down, to deeply listen to myself , to feel and tend. 

As I found my footing and slowly walked through the presence initiation, there was a lot of pain and grief asking to be held and seen, but there was also incredible and immense love, wisdom, breakthroughs, and liberation.  This unlocking process was one of great release of all I had been holding in for so many years, offering me more inner space to breathe and be, to explore and evolve, to experience contentment, peace, and joy.  It unlocked my ability to FLOW with all of me and all of Life.

In my experience, without presence there is no conscious flow.  

Without presence, there is no embodied acceptance. 

Without presence, we miss out on the magic of our continued becoming and soul evolution because instead of seeing and working with life as a great teacher and mirror, we feel distracted and trapped by all the challenges that come our way.

Presence opens the doorway to deep listening, to attuning our ear and heart to our knowing. 

Presence opens the doorway to liberation and healing as it brings us into connection with emotions that want to flow through us and create space in us. 

Presence connects us to the grace, Love, compassion, and vibrancy that is already alive within us, no matter how disconnected we have felt from it.  

Presence offers humility in our humanness and opens us to the awe and wonder of our Divinity. 

Presence allows us to hear the subtle (or not so) knock of the needs and desires that have been over-ridden or pushed away, sometimes for years.

Presence is the key that opens to the doorway to abundant paths of possibility, the key that unlocks the patterns that keep us operating in survival mode, and then offers us a vision and steps toward thriving.

Presence invites intimate tending, budding, blooming and shedding of all that is ours to steward and grow.

Presence gifts clear sight to see what isn’t ours and to embrace what is.

Presence guides us in receiving higher consciousness, and offering from wholeness all that we are here to offer.

When we say yes to presence, no matter how scared we are of what might be on the other side of its doorway, we say yes to ourselves - to our hearts, to our soul journey, to our pain, to our passions, hopes, and dreams, to connection in all direction - to our unique Flow of being and living and natures and nourishes all that we wish to create in this life.

Ready to deepen into presence? Book your Exploratory Coaching Session here or get on the waitlist for one of my upcoming programs.

Big Uplevel energy at work (A seasonal reflection)

I've felt a subtle, yet also HUGE, up-level happening internally in the past 8 weeks, and wow, it's been a really beautiful and an often intense ride. I am thankful to feel present to it all even if it's brought up all sorts of things to be with, and this week I wrote a reflection on this to share with you! 

I have felt rooted in my relationship with myself for a quite a while now, and more so than ever in the last 9 months.  Yet even so,  this transitional Spring season has challenged (read: fiercely called) me to sink into deeper trust in myself, in who I have become, and in Life as I continue to explore and embody the much greater capacity I now hold.

It's wild to think back to April 2022 Ellie  (enter some 3rd person because it doesn't feel right to call that version of me “I” anymore) – she was just peeping her head out of her grief hibernation cave and learning to be known and seen in what felt like a totally transformed existence (compared to any version of myself I had perviously shared publicly).  Today I can hardly feel the trepidation, overwhelm and rawness she felt daily as I simply moved through life one year ago, yet I am so immensely grateful to her, her courage and bravery, for taking the steps back out into the world little by little.

As we entered 2023, I received a message in a meditation indicating that the energy of this first quarter of the year was to be My Coming Out Party. Yes, I lol'd with joy the first time I heard that too, but I knew exactly what it meant; it was time to share myself fully, to let others see and know what I am about, who I am, and what I am here to teach, guide, and share. It was time to remove any fluff I'd placed, like bumpers in bowling, as protection from being misunderstood or disliked. It was time to say, “Here I am in all of my rawness and glory” and let the potency of my work and words be felt on a new level.

It was no coincidence that I walked out of the second year and into the third without my mom during this season, and that I began to feel and know my resiliency, strength, and rootedness on a whole new level.  The More Myself program was born from in this time, and sharing it felt like allowing my soul to spill onto the page and integrate into what I offer even more deeply.

There were also multiple opportunities to say YES to life in renewed ways in February and March, including embracing things I knew I wanted to do even if I felt a  afraid or nervous. It was fascinating to observe myself begin to enter into fear or anxiety, but to a much lesser level than I had in the past, and then remind myself that I have a completely different relationship with my body, my capacity, my abilities, my intellect and my emotions now.  When I reminded my self of this, the nervousness lessened significantly and what came through more prominently was vibrant curiosity. “What would it be like to try this again as I am now? I know I can pause, or rest, or stop at any time, and what if I love it?!”  And everything I tried again, I loved.

In March, I lived a powerful full circle moment teaching two, 2-hour Sacred Grief events in one of my mentors' membership.  Almost exactly 3 years prior, my grief had been held in one of her containers in a way that opened me to the possibility of being fully seen and known in my pain amidst community, and returning to offer this same witnessing and space was one of the most natural and incredible “dreams come true” moment I've lived.

The first event I taught was a class where I shared my story with grief, recalling the 25 years it's energy has been intimately part of my life even though I didn't have a conscious relationship with it for 20+ of them.  I spoke of the potential grief has to aid destruction when we are denying it or pushing it away, and the potential it has to support expansion when we are willing to fully be with it.  I reflected on how grief is the most simultaneously expansive and contractive process I've experienced.  I taught the EllieFlow 5 Spheres of Transformation (more to come on that soon as part of a special secret project I'm working on), and what is available to us when we are pushed to our edges and have no other option but to fully surrender.

The preparations felt peaceful while also demanding all of me, and teaching the class probably kicked off the “Ellie, you're stepping into something bigger, you're ready, it's time, here you are” energy that has been stirring since.

The second event was a GriefFlow Circle, where I guided a space to connect with the grief present and then move intuitively to music, allowing it to transmute and release energetically.  After the movement portion, there was space to share about the experience and what people were feeling.  The shares were so rad, so liberated, full of depth and yet equally light and refreshed.  As soon the event finished, I turned on some EDM and grooved in celebration and gratitude for the amplified ownership and embodiment of my journey through this opportunity.  I felt, yet again, more me, more alive, more full, more whole, more woman, more complete.   

A few days later, as accidental integration of this experience, we traveled to visit my dad and make maple syrup with him on the farm where I grew up for the weekend.  Our time was sweet and rich (beyond the syrup), and I took time to sit in the room my mom died in to cry, talk to her, and listen.  As I enjoyed the bright sun warming us on a windy and cold day, as I saw my dad smile with excitement while showing us the sap-boiling-setup in the sugar shack my husband designed and built with him, as I chatted with the wind chime now hanging above one of my mom's wildflower gardens, and as we tasted the syrup and bottled it into jars to be enjoyed and shared, I was able to breathe in the abundance of my homeland and the gifts that have continued to come with the patient love and tending.

The end of March unexpectedly rocked me with some hard family stuff, and the up-level energy grew in intensity as new challenges tend to be portals for big internal updating.  Since, this last month has been all about revisiting my foundation of safety and well-being amidst hard moments, and allowing my mind and self-concept to update fully and match who I have become instead of staying calibrated to a past version of me.

Through this process, and allowing myself the FULL space to be IN (messy) PROCESS with myself, I feel like I have once again capitulated into another realm of existence in the last week.  Thinking back to the ‘6-weeks ago Ellie’, I already feel anchored in a different place, and remain in awe of the constant shifts and expansion available when we are willing to stay open to Life and to what is underway amidst our organic evolution.

This week I have taken many long walks in the spring sunshine, which is powerful medicine to my mind, body, and soul.  On Tuesday mid-walk, I began to see myself like a budding tree with an ample root system that had been growing and establishing itself for many years, often silently. I began to feel how acknowledging, owning, and enjoying my rootedness allows me to sway freely (and even enjoy!) with the winds as they come, knowing that I will stay firm and rooted, continuing to grow my branches and offer upward and outward.

What do you resonate with most in this reflection? Does anything call to your depths in an unexpected way? 

How do you find yourself relating to this season? Does it feel like a time of unleveling, a time of integration, or even a void season for you?

 I wish you loving acceptance and vibrant curiosity as you reflect on the last few months.

My journey from Broken-open to More Myself

This morning I cried so. many. tears. Through the phone, my dad read me pieces of his journal from the weeks leading up to my mom’s death 2 years ago (almost to the date).  He beautifully recorded things I said, things Mom said, etc.  Then, I sent him photos I have of her from 6 days before she departed.

They are painful to look at, odd yet potent memories, and looking at them now I can see things I couldn't then - I can see she was so much further ‘advanced’ in her process at that point than I remember.   

What we couldn’t see or know then, for our own protection so we could stay hopeful and present, always amazes me.  There are so many deeply private and indescribable pieces of being with someone as they die, and in beginning the journey into a life without them. There is no way to prepare. Those weeks broke me open beyond words and understanding. I have been forever changed and carved by the past 2+ years.

One year ago I still felt like I was drowning in the dark many days - wondering who I was, what life would be - without vision for the future, and it scared the hell out of me.  At the same time I could also feel a very faint call to life that I was willing to keep holding on to as I surrendered to the void of grief.

I didn't know how to talk about it, nothing I could say felt profound enough to match everything I was feeling inside.   

The day before the 1st anniversary date last February, I was sitting in my sister's apartment in silence, taking a moment to reset after a particularly hard few days, and I felt a nudge that said “Stay present to the breaking open.”

I didn't quite understand it but I could feel the importance of once again inviting compassion into the heartbreak that was so palpable in and around me. I could feel the importance of allowing myself to be as I was, painfully blown open by love and loss, without needing to be glued back together again.

Last March, I felt like a baby being born, slowly exiting my grief cocoon with tiny (or not so tiny) steps I could commit to one-by-one; first a trip to Chile to be with our family.  While we were there, I was able to see myself from a new light as I realized that I had more energy and capacity than my fears and inner-protections had allowed me to see.  When we returned from our trip, I felt called to go back to yoga, and from there the next tiny steps unfolded. 

Each month of 2022 built on the previous, guiding me into deeper trust, surrender, and belief that while I would carry and honor my story and my mom very closely forever, through this experience new ways of being and living were available to me. And actually, most felt more alive and true to my being than life before (tangible) loss.

Today I am in awe of this on-going journey as I continue to hold space for the pain,  AND I feel free and open in my expressions of joy, creativity, curiosity, uncertainty and grief.  This is particularly beautiful, as I remember the 30+ years of my life when this wasn’t the case- when I was exhaustingly holding it all in, just trying to manage life and “keep it together”.

There are of course still moments when I feel the inner ‘crunchiness’ (contraction) of my system trying to suppress or numb, but after many years of practice and cultivation, I now know how to work with myself in every moment.  

I openly listen inward for the voice that is crying out in pain, despair, anger, or fear.  I welcome presence into those places because I trust myself with myself. 

I lead myself through the overwhelm and moments that make me want to harden, and follow my breath and pulse to guide me back my soft, open, Ellie Flow state. 

And when I get to parts I don’t know what to do with, I allow them be and invite Divine love to pour into those corners of myself.

I am imperfectly free to feel, and through the feeling the power of my energy-in-motion (emotion) releases.  As it does, space is liberated for a deeper connection with mySelf and Life, for more wholeness that is SO ALIVE I can feel it vibrating in my body, for More of Myself.

I’m so proud of the foundation I have cultivated.  With each day of the past many years, a new brick has been laid, and the More Myself experience was silently being created.  

It is such an honor to stand on solid ground today,  forever still ‘in process,’  and offer this container so that you can be held and guided in your broken-openness as you open to the faint call of life again.  I know there is so much available to you through what you have lived – pieces of yourself to release, and pieces of yourself to welcome in. 

I know that the foundation for your next steps forward, no matter how large or small, can be created with love and gentle intention, making space for all of you, at a pace that is born from your heart and body.

This is a sacred journey, one that probably feels scary (better read: TERRIFYING) to say yes to.  What if on the the other side of this terrifying step there was….

+ Safety to feel yourself and your experience fully.

+ Trust that you can learn to be with all of yourself - your pain, your joy, your dreams, your fears…all of it.

+ So much space and energy liberated in your body and being because you allowed yourself to release what you’ve been holding.

+ Belief that others in your life can meet you in your pain and in your joy.

+ Love and compassion for your past versions of self and who you are today.

+ Liberation in not needing to compartmentalize your life anymore because it can all flow together.

+ Creativity and (re)new(ed) vision (with time).

+ Confidence that you can move at your attuned pace, without pushing or force, and you will be in lock step with your soul.

While I can’t tell you exactly what awaits you (because only through your openness, capacity, and readiness will that be revealed), I believe you will be met, held, and guided exactly where you need to be. I believe you will be invited in to awe of yourSelf and process, and all that is possible.  

You are invited into a path of healing and freedom, and you will be supported and equipped every step of the way.

If you’re ready to say yes to the call into More of  Yourself, join me here.

~ 6 weekly calls starting Tuesday, including intimate guidance and tending, expansive teachings and coaching that will help you cultivate your new foundation for Life

~ $999 pay in full or 2 payments of $511

~ Hit reply for any questions.

Also, I recorded a great Instagram live yesterday with teachings and explorations of two foundational areas we will sink into during the first weeks of the program.  No matter where you find yourself today, I believe it will support and enlighten you in your process. 

You can watch the replay (even if you don't have social media) or listen to it in podcast form here!

finding your attuned pace & creating spaciousness to sink in to acceptance in an embodied way

Yesterday, I recorded an instagram live to explore and teach on the power and cultivation of ‘Attuned Pace’, and how Awareness, Acknowledgment, and Acceptance work together to free up energy in our emotional, physical, and energetic systems.

I loved how it turned out, and it was a perfect peak into the first few weeks of my More Myself Group Program the begins next week.

Listen to the replay podcast style here:

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In the first few weeks of the More Myself Group container, starting 2/21, we will lay the foundations for the program by deeply engaging with the energy and healing available through each of these areas.

Join the journey to embodying more of yourself here.

Allowing Life to break me open (& INTRODUCING THE MORE MYSELF GROUP PROGRAM)

Doors are fully open to my new LIVE Group Program Experience, ‘More Myself’. 

You can dive into the complete exploration of it here. We begin on Tuesday February 21st, and I'm offering $111 off the price through Sunday, 2/12 using the code REBIRTH.

 This program is a 6-week group experience for those that have walked through things they didn’t (consciously) choose, and are willing to honor the pain and grief of this process, while simultaneously opening to all of the ways it has profoundly changed and expanded them.

When life broke me open, everything I knew it to be was shattered.  Not only had I lost my Mom, but huge pieces of who I thought I was felt like they were stripped away with her.  I had already been engaged in deep internal renewal for years leading up to this time, but when she died, things that used to matter didn’t matter at all anymore.  Things I used to like and want in my life no longer felt alive and important at all.

A year later I still felt incredibly lost, alone, and confused- this was a piece of loss no one had ever told me about. Probably because the ‘in between’ of who you used to be and who you are becoming is quite indescribable.

While I'll forever be deeply engaged in the life-long processes of both living with loss and expanding into to my own becoming, I now know that when we allow ourselves to be fully broken open there is tremendous pain and there are astounding gifts.

We don't get to control what breaks us or when it happens, but if we are willing to move through these times in our lives and the remains they leave with an open heart, they can offer us so much.

The transformation and the grief don’t need to compete, they actually go hand-in-hand. 

Together they open a portal full of possibility - seeing, being, and leading through a different lens - one that I believe has the potential to change the world.

If we make the space for our breaking-open to be a conscious process,  it brings deeper connection to ourselves and deeper connection to life as we move through it.

If we tune in and make space, there is so much richness alive in the messiness of it all, included but not limited to vibrant creativity, passion, meaning, full-being gratitude and awe…aliveness.

The More Myself program was created for those that are open and ready to both honor the pain and be awe-struck by the gifts. This program is for those that can feel something within saying, “there is no going back to who I used to be” and who desire to trust and explore the potent medicine of their experience. 

Maybe you’ve lost a loved one.

Maybe you’ve received difficult news or a diagnosis about your health or that of someone important in your life.

Maybe you’re unsure if you’ll be able to have kids.

Maybe a relationship you treasured has concluded.

Maybe a career or dream you poured yourself into has been challenged.

Maybe you did all the ‘right things’ but it doesn’t’ feel like you thought it would and you're not sure how to move forward. 

It doesn't matter what has broken you open, or how long it's been, if you feel called to more of yourself, this is for you.

“HOW IRONIC THAT THE DIFFICULT TIMES WE FEAR MIGHT RUIN US ARE THE VERY ONES THAT CAN BREAK US OPEN AND HELP US BLOSSOM INTO WHO WE WERE MEANT TO BE.”

— Elizabeth Lesser

All the details are here & the More Myself doors are wide open.

Use code REBIRTH for $111 now through Sunday, 2/12.

I am incredibly humbled and honored to create this program, and I can't wait to meet you inside.

Questions about the program or working together? Reach out here.

Releasing Survival Mode & Coming into Authenticity {Audio Newsletter + Transcript}

Last week I sat down and recorded an audio newsletter (think 30min podcast sans the fancy intro, etc.), which had been swirling for about a month. It felt so fun to explore topics and themes the end of 2022 brought up for me out loud - it all flowed out beautifully and I’m excited to share it with you! 

Listen here or scroll down to read the transcript:

In this audio newsletter, I explore: 

• Being in commitment to creating and sharing from authenticity;

• Pausing, releasing more layers of long-engrained survival modes, and readjusting in order to do so;

• The journey from drained to stable energy;

• Theme “Allow yourself to be here fully, now” from my last newsletter and how it carried out for me in December;

• Getting in touch with our ‘Gumby’ Selves;

• Beginning to more fully own my journey with grief and loss as part of the work I share with clients and the world.

Transcript:

"Hi everybody. Happy New Year. I have been wanting to record this audio newsletter style thing for quite some time. I am an old podcast and am a podcast lover, and I'm always toying with the idea of bringing something like that back. But for right now, I just wanted to share some thoughts and some explorations from the end of the year with you in an audible form. 

And if you prefer to read this instead of listen, I will include a transcript and you can do that, whatever works best for you. I personally am an extremely audible learner and processor and I really appreciate having a variety of ways of engaging. 

So let's see how this goes. Let me know if you like it. And I've had a lot on my mind recently that I've been wanting to share and it feels really good to speak these things out loud for a long time. Writing felt better and more complete, and I think I'm finding a time of my life where both speaking and writing feel really good, and I feel called to them for different reasons. 

I'm just going to take a breath. I invite you to join me in that breath if you need that right now. And I wanted to share that the last time I sent a newsletter was at the end of November and I sent it with this really powerful message that had come through. It was in a long meditation at the end of a yoga class and it just kind of became so clear. The words were really clear in my body and as I shared them at the time because always what's for me seems like it's for others too. Not for everybody, of course, but for many. And I'd like to make it available. 

And as I sat with it and shared it, I was very encouraged by the message and I'll read it to you. It said, everything you desire stems from fully and lovingly being who, where and how you are right now. Letting yourself fully be here, fully owning being in this body, in this moment, feeling how you feel, loving what you love, breathing, fully feeling yourself here. I love being here. All that you desire will not change who you are. It will only add to your life and the beingness as you are now. So how fully can you be here right now? How fully can you be you right now? What needs to be set down so you can fully be here? What needs to be embraced to fully be here? What needs to be seen and acknowledged to fully be here? What is here to be embodied? What ownership can you bring to this moment? How fully can you sink into this day? How fully can you trust who you are and all that you have cultivated? I invite you here. Be here with me. Be here. 

It was a really powerful message for me to receive and at the moment that it came in. I didn't necessarily know the bigness of what it would mean for me in the month of December. I didn't know with clarity how important my willingness to be exactly where I was, because I tend to be somebody who wants to be a couple of steps ahead of where I am or thinks I should be a couple of steps ahead. And that's constant sole curriculum for me - to release into the trust and acceptance of being where I am. And that's something I wholly incorporate into my work with clients as well. 

And yet, here I was again, being called to simply let go of the moments in front of me and to be and in the being, not just resting, but allowing myself to deeply feel the depths of what I was feeling. And as the days went on, after this message came through, it all started to become clear. There were some really, really big shifts happening in the internal landscape of myself that I've been working with for many years now. And after a very important family therapy session that I had with my dad and my sister, there was an awareness of kind of the crux of some of my things. Let's just say that some of my defense mechanisms, some of my survival mode activating moments. 

None of these things were new to me. But the way it was processed and talked about that day really opened something up. And more than ever before, I really, really needed to be exactly where I was feeling myself. So I kept asking, how fully can I feel this right now? How fully can I feel it? And I'd be on walks, and there would be moments of deep grief and moments of liberation and moments of exhaustion, because where we tapped into also required a lot of energy to be processed.

It felt kind of like we hit the core of my Earth and let out just this incredible amount of beautiful energy. But also, holy moly, getting to the core of that place again and letting that happen required a lot of rest. And it's a really powerful feeling that's happened to me many times. But this one was even potentially more powerful. So when the exhaustion would come, how can I release all the resistance to this exhaustion and just let myself feel the tiredness? And when the moments of overwhelm or fear would come, how can I let myself feel the fear and release the resistance towards this fear, really sink into it? Can I trust myself to be here fully with it? And even though it was not always perfectly smooth, I always was able to. Thankfully, that is something that I have cultivated.

And as I sat with all that was happening, part of what I needed to be willing to do was sit with the trust that my tune in and connect calls, which were something I was so excited about beginning and still am excited about needed to be put on hold for the month. They needed to be potentially revisited in a new way. I always am asking myself my why. Why am I doing this? Not my why in the way of what is your why? The way that kind of the self development world tells you you have to have a why for your life. But like really making sure that I am doing things from a clear place within myself because one of my biggest commitments is to never as long as I can consciously and I'd say never doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

It means consciously I do not want to act out of survival mode or inauthenticity. And the journey of living and doing business this way for me started a couple of years ago and it is pretty raw because it means that in different moments I learn new things about myself and I can see things that I couldn't see two weeks ago or two months ago. And I realized that there were places of inauthenticity. Of course my human imperfections and my desires to fulfill my own needs for things sometimes coming out in offerings and most of what I could feel from the tune in and connect calls was just really beautiful connection and offering a home for that and offering a space for people to come into that within themselves. 

And the one that I hosted, that was attended by a friend, she said to me, "you've never quite held space for me in that way. And it was really powerful for me", and it was a really natural session, but it really left a mark on her. And she came back multiple times to tell me how powerful that had been, even though it had just been the two of us. And I held that close because I knew that there was a lot of beauty and power in these calls and yet there was still some of the bumps and some of the inauthenticity of offering them that I needed to work through in myself, and a lot of that and the releasing of that survival place even more. That's one of, I think one of my biggest life missions is to unravel years and years and years of living in survival unconsciously which so much of the world is doing. And now that I don't live in that place constantly, I see it so much. And this season of my life is really about continuing to let that dissolve and continuing to trust into and to grow into and to expand into a grounded, calm, collected, connected nervous system capacity and way of living that I can thrive in on all levels. 

I could go on and on about how living in survival mode -there's a lot that can be said but it taxed me, and oftentimes we don't have a choice. I wasn't choosing to live that way. I wasn't even aware that I was living that way so fully until about nine months ago when I started to feel my energy come back. And I had been taken a year of sabbatical pretty much since my mom had passed. And a lot of the time, for the first six months, there was a lot of activity happening some days, and some days I could hardly move. 

But about six months in, the shock of the loss started to wear off, and I started to settle, and I couldn't do anything. And it was very obvious that my body had harbored so much adrenaline and so much survival mode that, yeah, I just was so drained. And I had been for a really long time, but I hit the bottom of the drain, of the well. And so as I committed to not doing anything except for rest, because I literally could not do that, and committed to that over and over again, even though I'd be pulled different ways in different moments and different months, about six to nine months later, I started to feel, oh, I'm feeling some natural energy come back. 

I think this is maybe what it feels like to not be in constant survival and drained mode. And I guess 2022, for me would be a year of rejuvenation slowly, very slow, slow and steady rejuvenation with lots of peaks and valleys and oh, my goodness, lots of still months of needing to go so slowly and tend so slowly and remind myself it was okay to be where I was. And so as we're closing out the year, and I'm in this place of connecting again with, why am I doing this? Is this coming from a place of proving or needing to be something? Is it coming from a place of authentic heart and guided power? Is it coming from somebody else's expectations? Where is it coming from? That was really what I was sitting with in December. Where was the desire for the tune in and connect calls coming from? Where was the basis of my business at the time coming from? Where was EllieFlow being created from and being poured into from? 

And while most of that was purely authentic, there's, of course, lots of little places that weren't, and there will continue to be. That is a lifelong journey. I'm not ever planning on getting to 100% authenticity, because what would be the point of that? But it was a new place. A new place from which I could evaluate and see how much is ready to be birthed and shared, how much is ready to be owned, how much is ready to be an invitation for myself and others. And in order to see all of that, I needed to sit exactly where I was, let myself be here as the message came through, fully owning where I was, fully owning the places where, yeah, it's okay. 

I created something from a place that wasn't quite right. So let's just sit with it. Its essence is still beautiful. It's just like us humans, like the creations, like a tune in and connect call. The essence is incredibly beautiful. The essence and the reason that it's here and the reason that it came through is incredibly powerful. And there's layers to strip away, to get down to or as close as we can to that core. And you could call that ironic because that's exactly how I explain my one on one work with people is imagining themselves wearing millions and millions of layers of clothing, and they can't even see themselves or feel themselves underneath it anymore. They might have so many clothes on they could hardly move, but they don't know how to take them off. Or they try to take them off and they just come back. And in the container of my one on one work, we invite and make the space for the exploration of allowing them, each layer, to just fall away naturally, allowing each piece of clothing to dissolve off, to be stripped off, to be ripped off. However, it needs to come off. And over time, we touch into the crux of who we are. That rock or gumby inner middle part of us. I call that our gumby self, sometimes just to give a visual.

And then when we hit the gumby self, we often need to sit with our gumby self. And the rawness and the whoa. I've never lived like this before. I've never felt myself here before. Let me breathe here.  I'm scared to be seen here. And also it feels really good. So we dance with that. 

And I felt like, once again, I connected with my gumby self in a different way, on a new layer, on a new level in December. So as we walk into the beginning of the year, it's become really fun. After having sat in the silence and just letting myself be kind of in the undoneness of also so much grief, the holiday season, this surprised me once again with how grief filled it was and also being in that really called me to owning it more fully. And I've been doing this for quite a few months. But it hit in a different way, really owning fully how much my work in EllieFlow is here to intertwine with the process of moving through loss and being changed by loss and being changed by the things that we have to walk through that we did not choose. And allowing this to be a conscious process that brings deeper connection to ourselves and deeper connection to our life as we move through it. And it can feel like this huge internal and often external mess, in my experience. And everything in your life and everything in mine is touched by loss when it comes. And no matter how close the loss was to you, everything is touched by it. And so much of what's been shown to me in the past year is working with my clients, is the ways that grief is presenting itself and asking to be seen and held and acknowledged and allowed to transform, given. Space to transform given space to sit in the undoneness that it creates. To sit in the places of mess and then to compost what's ready to be composted and then to nourish what's ready to be sprouted from that place. And this is a process that can't be rushed. 

And when I first started, I mean, it wasn't really a start, I guess when my mom died, I said to my coach, I don't want to work with grief ever. I don't want anything to have to do with grief. This is not I don't want it to inform my work. I don't want it to inform my clients. I don't want anything to do with it. And we laughed about that a couple of months ago because it was kind of grief was knocking on my door of "hey, when are you finally going to let me in? To be part of what you're doing, to be part of what you came here to share, to teach and to guide?" And I obviously am doing that from a place of someone that is in commitment, walking with my grief forward even though I don't like it sometimes. And what I realized when I really sat with it over the end of the summer and into the fall and now even more in December, is, yeah, I wanted nothing to do with grief in my work, but my greatest kind of superpowers and commitments are working with life. And nothing says working with life more than working with grief. And as we open to grief, we open to life. 

And I recently found this beautiful, beautiful poem that I wrote and the last line says, "but do not push the grief away, for it is a sign of life." And so rounding this out and coming back to the reflection of this message that I received and shared and then sat with very fully and very potently in December of allowing ourselves to be here, breathing, fully feeling yourself here, fully owning, being in this body, in this moment, exactly how you feel, loving what you love, not loving what you don't love.

This is the underlying invitation to so much that will be shared through EllieFlow in 2023, beginning with some refined and updated tune in and connect sessions, one of which will be themed, and we'll see if the other one is too. I'm not quite sure yet.

And for all those that are ready to step into an exploration of their "gumby" self, of their rawness, of their aliveness without the clothes on, even though it's scary and takes time and takes patience and attention and grace and we will just be with each of the layers until it's ready to go. You are so welcome in here. So I'll leave this here. I will leave information about joining those next tune in and connect sessions. Leave information about working with me one on one this quarter or this semester.

And I'm so happy to be walking into a new year with Rejuvenation. And I will continue to nurture that rejuvenation and I hope to continue to nurture it in everybody that I interact with through Ellie flow and in my life, truly. 

In the fall, Ellie Flow really showed me this beautiful imagery and showed me the words sanctuary and oasis. And underneath that I could feel just like this deep restoration of our beings that can happen as we move with her and dance with her. And I am so honored and excited to invite all that desire to come in, that feel ready for this space, in. 

So I am wishing you space to be, to fully be as you enter the new year, to check in with your mode of being in terms of survival versus thriving drained or energized where you're needing rejuvenation and what you're ready for. 

As you walk forward, may the rhythm and the pace be perfectly attuned to your heart and where you are in your life and what you're needing. And if that is somewhere that you would like to meet, I would be honored to do so. All the blessings as we begin January, and if you like the audio newsletters, podcast things, let me know. Thanks so much. Take care. All my love, be well."

A portal of rebirth: a One year reflection

Looking back to one year ago

August has been all about reflecting, resetting, and grounding into the places I have expanded into this summer (you can watch an instagram live I did about this here).

This week I felt deeply emotional multiple days thinking back to a year ago and how much has shifted since then. Late August through early October last year I hit some of my lowest grief moments. The shock of my mom’s death started wearing off more (I have learned to not underestimate shock in the grief & loss process - it lasts much much longer than we realize), we had just moved into our first 100yr old home that we were pouring love and energy into to make it our own, a place where my mom would never visit (physically), and a lot of other details of life were stirring the anxiety pot like never before. It was combination of deep joy, gratitude, pain and grief.

It took all of my energy to move through the day in as grounded of a way as I could without collapsing, which inevitably happened often too.

It wasn’t my last rock bottom grief moment, but it was yet again a point of surrender, or a million points of surrender of control, of my fears that that’s how it’d be forever, surrender of fears that I’d never have energy again or mental clarity or creativity again even though I new there was so much to experience and offer in life still. Surrender of all relationships, plans and hopes and dreams, because I only had capacity to move at an hour-by-hour pace. Surrender to the reactions my body was having to the level of stress hormones that had likely been circulating for so long.

I was still learning how to find the words to even talk to loved ones about what it felt like. I’m so grateful for the people that sat with me on the phone or in person while I spoke, or cried, or just sat in silence on numb days.

There were many more moments, easier and hard lived, before a bigger shift was ready to unfold and a lot more support along the way, but it’s pretty amazing to be here today feeling ALIVE, with a deep desire for life, inspired to share, create, and carry out pieces of the mission I came to offer, grounded into myself in a renewed and calm way, open to grief and also open to life. Surrender is still a daily piece of the puzzle, and I’ve leaned that there is grief in every layer of healing (which likely isn’t concluding anytime soon).

And this home has held us through so much, with so much love, light, coziness and expansiveness all at once. Supporting us with trees in every direction, a lush and breathtaking park just a few blocks away for daily conversations, tears or dance parties with the trees, birds, and flowers. It’s almost like this house’s soul smiled at us and opened its arms for a welcoming embrace, saying “it you love me and all of my quirks, I will abundantly love you and hold you in all of your moments”, and it has.

It has offered space for our Chileans to come for months at a time, enough stability for my nervous system and enough project opportunities for my visionary husband, space to rest, play, read in the hammock, introduce many new plant friends, our first holiday season without Mom, and so much more.

The unraveling is deeply painful, and learning to be with myself in love through it has been one of my biggest challenges to date, AND the magical portal of transformation and rebirth it offers never ceases to amaze and humble me.

Now to look forward to one year from now, knowing I could never even grasp the possibilities of all that may unfold, but I can look forward with love, excitement, openness, surrender, and freedom to trust I will be held and can hold myself and others beautifully through it all.

If you take a moment and a breath, what has this last year been like for you? How have life’s wild unfoldings transformed your being?

The Power of Deep Coaching + walking a path of committed limitless becoming and transformation

This was originally written on July 14th, 2022

It’s been an intense last few days of all of the feels (I see you full moon) - grief, resisting my grief, self doubt and criticism, blah-ness, tears and more tears, fear, irritation… - feeling the overwhelm of it all, releasing each piece and part as I am ready, and then opening to and allowing the energetic shift that is ready to unfold.

This week has been a practice of recognizing new layers of my deep and long-lived survival patterns and being able to finally observe them from a new lens and energy - instead of reacting our of a survival loop, finding more peace in simply holding and being with the reactivity this patterns stir up in my mind and body. I am immensely encouraged by this, as this feels like a ground for healing on this new layer and level.

And as I always do, I have landed in a place of clarity and open heartedness once again. A place from which I can my make clear, aligned decisions and offer myself grace, permission, and immense love and compassion once again.

From achievement orientation to process orientation

You see, walking a path of committed limitless becoming and transformation, and meeting and guiding others on their version of that path, does not release anyone from the human experience and the healing available in fully embracing it. Quite the opposite actually. Personally, in many ways I feel it intensifies the journey, reconfirming over and over again that I am willing to walk through my darkest valleys, no matter how short or long, to reconnect with my light. That I am willing to stand in the fire, lay down and surrender, open and receive, over and over again. Each time on a new layer, a new level. 

Part of the reason I love what I do is that is challenges the status quo on growth, personal development and coaching as the world knows it currently. 

We are conditioned to focus purely on the achievements, measuring ourselves and others against what is and isn’t accomplished, but when that is all we focus on, we are missing so much of the magic of life! The truth is that there is no “there”, no “arrival” on this path. We may reach new levels and states, but there is no end to all we can grow into and become.

The theme of moving from "doing-ness" to "being-ness" is something I explore a lot with my clients, and as that transition happens, we naturally begin to move from what I like to call moving from "achievement orientation to process orientation".

When we open and shift into process orientation, we can take in and allow all of the gifts that bloom along that path, instead of being so tunnel vision focused on the outcome. In my experience, it truly opens us to life fully and there is magic and beauty even in the really challenging and trying times.

The Energetic Shift

As I have worked with this transition in my own life in the past 4 years, one of the most powerful shifts I have observed is that the way I interact with myself and life is SO DIFFERENT than it used to be, and because of this, I love being me. Even though there are of course hard days, I love who I am today. I love this version of me, this “open and here for it all” Ellie.

I see that in my clients everyday as well. Even when nothing is “figured out yet”, resolved, or clear - even when the relationship with someone is difficult or strained, even when uncertainty or grief hits harder than ever before, even when pain arises once again - the shift in being that Deep coaching and transformational work facilitates and supports truly opens us to a powerful relationship with all parts of ourselves, life, others, and beyond that is filled with possibility, with freedom, with energy, and with LOVE.

It facilitates an energetic shift that changes everything. How we feel with ourselves. How our inner life feels. How our body feels.  How our outer life feels. How our relationship to God feels, as well as our own humanness and divinity. Nothing goes untouched. 

One of my mentors of the last few years, Pilar Lesko, a woman the feels like a deeply connected soul friend, recently wrote in one of her beautiful newsletters, “Life doesn’t become ‘perfect’, absolved of difficulty, contrast, tension, mistakes, and pain. You do not get everything you think you want. But rather, you become more available to interact with life, as it is - and through that, meet the wise, sacred and meaning-filled energy that permeates each moment. You receive the lessons, transformation, and healing that’s available and reality consistently re-orients to that devotion. You naturally generate more authenticity, kindness, and generosity. You experience more peace, joy, play, flow, and clarity. Everything seems more beautiful.”

Those words ring so true and depict this never-ending experience of becoming and transformation so well. 

I often say to one of my friends, “As we expand into one part of ourselves, all parts of us expand - even when we can’t see it all yet.” Despite what we must walk through, the fullness and the beauty only multiplies if we are willing to make room for it.

The internal grief clock (a poem for compassionate witnessing)

I wrote this poem in the summer of 2021, a raw 5ish months after my mother’s passing (Feb 19th). This expression explores and puts words to the quiet hardening that often happens as any anniversaries or important dates approach when living with grief and loss.

In my experience, grief can can creep up or come on suddenly, and now almost a year later the way it makes itself present in different than when I wrote this, but my body remains powerfully synched with my internal grief clock.

I have learned, and am still learning every day, to treat my internal grief clock with deep respect, honoring, and sacredness, even when my mind tendency is to want to bypass this process and overcome it.

For me, Grief is a never-ending initiation into softening and surrendering yet again, into opening and listening yet again, into feeling with my whole heart and body, even though protective patterns in of my mind want to keep me from the potential pain.

My hope in sharing this poem and experience is to extend compassionate witnessing and holding to others experiencing deep grief of any kind, as well as space and love to invite the sacredness back in to your process.

Today I grant you an invitation to tap in and listen to your inner grief clock, and remember, there is nothing wrong with you no matter how you feel your grief today.

The Internal Grief Clock

Like clockwork

Even when my brain doesn’t realize it

My body can feel it.

The heaviness comes

The helplessness

The numb, dull, stay-in-bed depression.

This again?! Grief is this you?

I can’t even feel the answer.

Everything feels so dark

I go searching for every other reason I could feel like this, yet again

Disconnected

Hopeless

Stuck

Dead inside.

I see the date on my phone - the 16th, not the 19th

It mustn’t be grief this time, I think

It must be me.

No matter what I do

Here I am again.

The next day passes, and then the next

Glimpses of light and lightness

Moments of feeling alive again, but mostly

I am constantly weighing how to move through the day, what I can muster the energy for.

Until I can’t fight it anymore, and I roll over and stay in bed

Surrendering to the nothingness

To the missing motivation

To the missing desire.

Then I see that date again

The 19th.

I ask again, could this be grief?

At first I shake my head, but then

The tears begin to fall

My voice returns, and I can

Speak my thoughts and fears.

I miss my mom

I talk to her

I call my sister, text my dad

I tell my husband it’s been 5 months.

I ask him if it feels longer or shorter to him and he replies

“Some days it feels closer, and some days it feels further away.”

And he is exactly right.

On the 19th she feels so close, yet so far away all at once.

On the 19th’s and the days leading up

My body remembers first, even when my head can’t connect the dots

And there is nothing to do or change, even when it doesn’t make sense.

Then the 20th comes, and I feel

Half human again

Half alive again

Able to breathe again

Hungry again

Awake again

Able to move again.

And everything still hurts

But it all somehow looks brighter too.

2021: a year of Loss, deep grief, & reckoning (Part 1)

Introductory note: In mid-January 2022, as I was starting to create this website and open space for my work to be shared again, I felt the need and calling to sit down and write my 2021 story. I had no choice but to journey into the deep throws and upheaval of loss and grief in 2021, a process that, for me at the time, demanded pulling back from much of life as I had known it. As I prepared to step forward and share again, something felt missing – so much had changed within me. I had contracted on all levels and then exponentially expanded and taken new form over and over again, and I continue to; it felt weird and disconnecting to share EllieFlow without also sharing the pain and process that opened me to this creation, and the many creations that are to come.

So I sat down to build you a bridge through my words, a bridge that would carry you from who I was when you perhaps last knew me as the founder of Deeply Nourished for Life, to who I am now. As I began to write, the following poured out:

I am opening to 2022 after a year I will never forget. 

I welcomed 2021 with a panic attack on New Year’s Eve. I had never had a panic attack before, but after watching a movie at home with my husband and then heading to bed before midnight, my body began to tremble and my breath shortened. I was brushing my teeth when a cold-to-the-bone feeling washed over me. 

I told my husband I was feeling anxious and he asked, “What changed in the last 10 minutes? We were just laughing at the movie and you were ok.” I felt irritated by the question, partly because it was true – I had been contently watching the movie moments ago, so what had happened? I distracted perhaps, or just…disconnected from myself?

I crawled into bed and the moment I tried to lay down it got worse, feeling frigid and shaking uncontrollably no matter how hard I tried to hold still and get warm. 

Ironically I was simultaneously running the most aligned program I had ever run before, sharing daily videos, meditations, writing prompts and teachings with 14 amazing humans on how to connect with their own authentic energy and selves as we walked into 2021.

During the day, as I prepared, guided, and taught each day through the program, I felt so alive and excited to open to what wanted to be birthed. My passion for exploring the depths of our beingness and holding space to feel into all of it freely poured out of me. And yet here I was that night, sitting on the edge of my bed on New Years Eve at 11pm, unable to even lie down. 

As I clenched my husbands hand, I tapped into one of my favorite teachings of the program, a teaching on creating and understanding safety within ourselves to create a basis for healing and connection. As I tapped in, I knew on a deep level that I was physically safe and spiritually safe, despite my body’s intense physical response. However, on an emotional level a deep fear had overcome me and I didn’t even know where it stemmed from. 

At the time, I chalked it up to fear that I had given my family COVID over Christmas, even though no one was feeling ill and I hadn’t been sick. Now I look back and I believe that my panic was brought on by a soul knowing that my mind at the time couldn’t comprehend. On some level I knew that all was not well as an enormous wave of fear and anticipatory grief crashed through my body. 

In my depths, so much was stirring…

What was happening? What would happen? Was Mom going to be ok? Would we make it to our month-long California getaway in a few weeks like we had planned?

Would I ever find the courage to tell her some of the things that were on my heart, some of the ways I felt pain and desire for more in our relationship?

Would I get to see her have fun and laugh many more times like I dreamed? Would she still be spunky and vibrant in daily life, as I believed she was at her core? Would I get to be her silly daughter again, or convince her to dance with me like I dreamed? Would we ever get to be free together, totally us and totally free of the weight of the cancer again?

As the shaking progressed, I miraculously found a homeopathic remedy (categorized as a remedy for fear of death and dying even though in that moment I believe I was most afraid of my mom’s death, not my own) to help move me out of my panic state that night.  I fell asleep and January began. I continued with my program, but once it ended I felt restless in my being.

I had all of these dreams for my business and yet everything felt so off inside. I had spent years in exploration of who I really was and what I was called here to do, and I KNEW (and that knowing is still there) that there was so much that wanted (and wants) to be shared through me. 

I often became irritated with myself, feeling myself holding back for reasons I couldn’t comprehend. Some days I was able to tap into the river of life and Spirit flowing through me, other days I was unable to move. I felt stuck in a fog of lethargy and depression.

And then more scary little moments started to unfold, as if they had popped out of my worst nightmares. Notes from my mom’s best friend saying how hard it was that my mom didn’t feel well enough to go to Chemo that week. Texts from my sister saying, “Are you planning on coming to Mom and Dad’s anytime soon? I think you should plan to come next week.”

Just like there had been at Christmas time last year, there would be hours where my mom was alive and attentive. She baked cakes from new recipes that intrigued her to take people with new babies or friends that had birthdays. She did Qi-Gong for hours a day, and went for walks in the cold Minnesota winters. And we’d talk on the phone – I can still hear her attentive “hmm mm”s, and “oh yea”s on the other end as I updated her about things in Milwaukee. Or she’d call to ask me to order her some more supplements or to discuss nutrition or fertility resources for one of her homeopathic clients. 

But there were also many moments everyday when she was in pain, when nothing tasted good and it became hard for her to eat and sustain her weight. There were weeks when her chemo side effects caused so much water retention in her belly and legs that finding clothes and shoes that were comfortable was nearly impossible. 

Around January 20th, after a very scary night of pain, my dad took my mom to the hospital where she stayed for a week due to an infection in her abdominal fluid. My sister had been texting me and asking me to pray, and updating me as they called her doctors and made the decision.

Taking her to the hospital terrified us all, especially after 9-months of a world-wide pandemic. But as they treated the infection and as the pain subsided we found hope. If you knew my mom, you know she was a fighter that found purpose and energy for life over and over again, even in the toughest mental and physical times of cancer treatment and life.  My Dad’s voice rings in my ears as I write: “We think if she can just get home to rest, and we can get a lot of good food in her, she can recover from this.”

She returned home, and we were all relieved.  Yet the daunting uncertainty of her recovery loomed over us. We postponed our trip to California, and my sister and I started to rotate being at my parents’ house to support to be with our mom, and support Dad in the care taking.

There were days when she stomached her meds and vitamins and ate full bowls of soup, for which we cheered and celebrated. There were also many days where we all felt hopeless and helpless trying to keep her comfortable, vibrant, and healing. 

She never stopped chiming in with her intelligent thoughts and mental attentiveness. In early February I remember her saying, “Your Dad is hovering again. I hate when he does that!” I am chuckling now remembering her exact position and annoyed expression as she stated this to me. But the truth was it was so hard not to hover – it came from a deep place of love and concern.

The first week I was with her, after she made it clear she hated the hovering, I perched over a table a few feet away from her recliner while I dove into the hardest puzzle we had ever attempted. The puzzle had been sitting on that table since Christmas when we deemed it impossible, but this time I was determined to make her proud and give her something she loved to focus on.

It was hard to know what to say in many moments, really just wanting to be present and connected without wasting the energy she needed to heal, so I’d ask if I should put on music. She would surprisingly say OK. I will never forget those nights, looking over my left shoulder at her as she half slept while I hummed and sang along to my favorite Beautiful Chorus albums simultaneously in search of the next perfect puzzle piece. 

The intimacy and sacredness of her last few weeks of life feel unmatchable. A beingness, a togetherness, a lovingness seemed powerfully present in our family as we journeyed through the hardest days of our lives.

A few weeks in we sat on the couch together. Knowing that she wasn’t getting better she said “I’m so sorry sweetie”. And I replied, “I’m so sorry too, Mom.” Then between sobs, “But when I look at you or think of you, all I feel is love. So much love.” 

Our hands were clasped together and I rested my head against hers. After a few minutes of sweet silence I felt her drifting off, so I asked if she had fallen asleep. She didn’t respond right away, and when she did it came from some connected and peaceful place, “I’m just soaking in the love.” 

So there we sat, soaking each other in. I left a few hours later, and  sobbed the whole 3.5 hour drive home. 

The next day I recalled the moment while speaking with her older sister, my Aunt Mary, and she reflected back to me something like, “That is probably how she has felt for 32 years, just soaking in the love since the day you were born.”

Many of the other most impactful moments from her last weeks of life still feel too sacred and intimate to describe fully in words, like when I gave her a bath that turned into a deeply healing moment of grace and love for us both 6 days before she died.

Or when my sister and I braved a traumatic night trying to keep her comfortable with the help of the hair dryer (she liked feeling the hot air blown on her weak legs) and alternating doses of Morphine and Lorazepam.  That night was also the last night we heard her laugh and say, “Love you, El. Love you, Syl” despite the state of delusion she was in. It was the hardest night of my life to date.

Maybe someday I’ll be able to share them more in writing, but for now words just can’t communicate the depth of pain, love, fear, peace, connection, rage and despair that were all bundled into one moment.

She died on Friday morning, February 19th, 2021 around 9:10am, surrounded by my Dad, my sister and myself. We were only 50 days into 2021 and our world had been turned upside down. 

In ways there were moments of weird relief that followed, and feelings of aliveness I struggled to connect with again months later. Moments where my sensitivity and creativity dial was turned way up and I’d write beautiful poems or channel new business plans.

I even somehow found the energy to do a miraculous packing job before her funeral, fitting enough clothes for her funeral, Shiva, and 3 weeks in California into a carry-on. Two weeks after she died my Dad and I drove from Minnesota to California with his dog to finish out whatever we could of our Airbnb reservation from the family trip we had planned with Mom. We got to the Pacific in 2.5 days and I’m still not sure how we did it.

My sister and husband met us there, and that trip was such a blessing (I now highly recommend a bereavement trip after someone passes at home, if that is a possibility financially and otherwise). In that Oxnard, California Airbnb I could feel my mom everywhere - it felt so right and refreshing to be there, yet heartbreaking she didn’t join us physically. It was also where I collapsed for the first time a few days into the trip, no longer being able to hold it all together.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but it wasn’t until I returned home in late March that the shock began to wear off, and the darkness of grief started to set in.

As I slowed down and tried to return to work and other day-to-day responsibilities, I started to feel like I was living in a dream (some days felt more like a fog).

What had just happened? Who was I now? How was I supposed to pick up life and keep moving after watching my beloved mother wither away as she transitioned out of this world? What was even the point of everything I had witnessed and lived in the past two months if I was just supposed to pick up where I had left off?

It felt like a cruel joke. 

Pieces of me felt like they had died with my Mom. In other ways I felt like I was coming to life more than ever before. Yet it all felt heartbreaking.

Part 2 will be posted soon.