The Loneliest I’ve ever been

Grief is one of the loneliest walks on earth. Every story and experience is so different. Every relationship unmatched. Every human so unique. And yet, everyone experiences this pain someway, somehow. 

For years, while my mom went through cancer treatment, I watched others around me living their lives seemingly innocently and freely while I felt hopeless, heavy and alone, often thinking, 

“Nobody gets it. No one knows what this feels like – to feel the weight of the unknown deep in my gut. To feel like I can’t make plans for my life or fully commit myself to the things I desire to experience because it could all take a turn at any moment, and then what will become of my life?! Of me?!”.  

Even though I was doing a lot, I felt like I couldn’t give my full attention where I truly wanted because at any moment a matter of life and death could require me to drop everything. I searched for ways to anchor myself into a bright, exciting feeling future that I sooo badly wanted to believe could be possible. 

But with the life and well-being of one of the most important people in my life on the line, trying to create a shiny vision for the future felt frivolous and fake.

I was a master at hiding my worry, anxiety, and fear, a master of appearing to ‘have my ish together’, but on the inside I remember so many days feeling dull, half alive, my mind swirling and my body lethargic.  As I denied my pain, grief and the impending doom of potential loss that often felt present, I tried to put my focus elsewhere and “just be happy, live in the moment”. But the suppressed emotions found their own way out - oozing through my skin as stress rashes on my eyelids and neck, appearing as sore throats and mystery illnesses, and sometimes even causing nausea that kept me from eating for a few days.

I pumped myself with caffeine hoping to feel something again and to find the energy to power through. I found a million things to distract myself with, from fitness classes to my business to going to Barnes and Nobel to buy more personal development books I’d never finish. Anything that would save me from what I was feeling inside.

I remember so many days trying to ‘just be normal’, trying to take the steps it seemed I should be taking, but I when I allowed myself to get still and just be,  tears welled in my eyes and it all felt shallow and hallow. What I really felt was despair. Hopelessness. Lost. Exhausted. Alone. 

I really wanted to do was lie on the floor or in my bed for hours, hoping the day would pass and tomorrow would feel different.

When my mom died, the loneliness hit another level.  To know that no one else in the world knew my exact pain meant that I wouldn’t likely hear the perfect words I yearned to hear from anyone else, which was devastating to realize.

No one else would be able to console me fully. 

No one else would know what I needed and how to perfectly take care of me.  

I would have to learn how to meet myself in this loneliness and console myself. 

That alone made me so angry.

In every moment of my early grief journey, I craved to be understood. Even though I was terrified to let anyone see what a mess I was inside, all I wanted was to be fully known in the pain of everything I had lost (even my before my mom died) as it felt like it was swallowing me whole.

I yearned to feel someone’s hand reach through the darkness to grab mine, offering me something to hold on to, to know where ‘up’ was so I could find my feet under me again amid the whirlwind of tears, anger, and inability to imagine how I would ever be ok again.  

Gratefully, those hands lovingly appeared when I got vulnerable enough to share how I really felt and asked for help. No one tried to save me because they knew the importance of what I was living. But they sat with me and guided me in finding my center again, in feeling and releasing the buildup of emotions I was so masterful at holding in, often unknowingly. And most importantly, they saw me and loved me in my brokenness, in my cracked-openness.

They listened not only through the tears and confusion, they listened to the pain, growth and guidance that were alive deep within me. They witnessed me in heartache without rushing me or diminishing my current experience, while also holding a higher vision for my life and who I would still become, despite it all. 

Some of these hands were of dear friends. Others of family members. Others of therapists, coaches and mentors.

As each reached a hand out to meet me, I stepped forward a little more to meet myself. And little by little the gaping whole of loneliness felt less suffocating. 

Instead of walking up each morning feeling paralyzed by the monumental task of walking through another day knowing I was ultimately alone in my experience, I began to feel stable enough to make a home within myself, where my wellbeing didn’t depend on if others got it, understood, or met me. I was able to sit up on my bed each morning, put a hand to my heart and say,

“I know this is soo scary and lonely. I know you crave to hear someone tell you you will be ok, that you will LIVE fully again, that life will be good again. I know it would be so much easier to stay in bed, and I also know you are resilient and stronger than you realize. I know you haven’t actually died with your mom, even though it feels like you did. And I know there is something available here for you today because you are still alive. You don’t need to go fast, you can go at your own pace. Just one step, one moment, at a time.”

I learned how to listen to myself - to my grief and my soul. I learned how to speak those perfect words to the parts of me that needed consoling. I began to sense, feel, and welcome in the woman I would become through this experience even though I had no idea what she would be like, and I regained enough strength and hope to take little steps toward being her. 

Slowly, I had the energy to begin to put my new website together and to dream about my business again, to work with new clients, to travel and to begin family therapy with my dad and sister.

I still needed others of course, I still needed loved ones to open and meet me as I had opened and met myself. Because I was no longer needing the impossible - for them to say or do the perfect thing - I was able to receive the love and company that they could offer.  I began to see the imperfect beauty of each person in my life with more awe and gratitude, accepting them as they were and laughing and crying with them about life more freely.

I was met with sweet softness and companionship from my husband, holding me and listening as I vulnerably shared my fears and longings. I received little gifts in the mail and unexpected phone calls and texts from friends that brought me to tears and evoked big belly laughs.

Years have since passed, but through it all, a devotion brewed in my heart: to become the one that can see through the dark and offer a loving hand when nothing else can be seen or determined, when the unknown feels as lonely, stifling and terrifying as a pitch black endless maze.

To become the one whose very presence offers you safety and space to take a breath, open, feel, and listen to your inner needs and knowings.

To become the one that lovingly witnesses you in your pain, through the brokenness of your heart, knowing that with time, your pain will not define you like it does now, and you are becoming someone greater than you could ever imagine as you embrace your path.

Today, I am humbled and honored to embody this devotion everyday, to be able to offer my hand to you in the loneliest moments you could ever walk, as a lantern of hope, warmth, healing, and support when you fear this will be how life feels forever.

I offer my hand and guidance as you find your way out of the dark so you have the energy and support to:

> Travel to see your friends and family without feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, or afraid of how they will see or respond to who you are now;

> Bravely share that piece of writing you’ve been wanting to put on Substack and begin to build connection and community there;

> Speak up and share your heart with loved ones from a grounded energy of self-love and respect;

> Get on the apps again or walk up to that cute human making eyes at you at the park and ask for their number;

> Try to get pregnant [again];

> Leave your job, start your own company, and land your first clients;

> Go back to school and begin your dream career…

What's on your heart? What have you needed to push to the sidelines due to grief and loss that you crave to have the energy and support in your life to reclaim?

I offer you my hand. 

Are you ready to take it?

Book your first 1:1 session here.

Join The Sanctuary Membership here.

 Listen to the Transformed By Grief Podcast

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Ep #27. Understanding Needs and Finding Peace in Uncertainty {Podcast}

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Full Episode Show Notes

Grief is a powerful teacher, and understanding our deepest needs can transform this journey into one of personal growth and healing. This episode invites you to contemplate the profound connection between grief and your human needs, exploring how recognizing and voicing our needs can lead to living more authentically and embracing the unknown with courage.

I guide you through a reflective process, encouraging you to identify your needs and understand the physical and emotional expressions of unmet needs. By considering whether these needs can be fulfilled independently or require external support, we cultivate acceptance and compassion for ourselves. This exploration opens up a dialogue with a larger spiritual or universal presence, inviting peace and understanding beyond our immediate human experience. The process is both empowering and humbling, acknowledging that some needs may remain unmet, and that’s okay.

Throughout the episode, we’ll explore the art of surrendering to the unknown, creating a sacred space for transformation and inviting loved ones into this dialogue.

If you are ready to dive deeper: 

 Book Your First 1:1 Session here

Join The Sanctuary Membership here.

Join the next community grief event.

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I would love to hear what arises for you as you listen, and anything specific you'd like to hear on the show. Shoot me a note via email (hello@ellieflow.com), or respond to the episode directly via the feature on your podcast app. 

Transcript

Ellie: 0:03

Welcome to Transformed by Grief. My name is Ellie Thomas and I am here to guide you on your transformational grief journey From feeling lost, raw and brokenhearted, questioning everything in you and around you, to reconnecting to the truth of who you are and the beauty, fulfillment and vibrancy of life that is still available in you and through you. On this podcast, we explore the depths of what it means to say yes to life again after you've been broken open by pain and grief. We will explore what it means to create a deep, loving and reverent relationship to yourself, to grief and to life in a way that allows you to begin to rebuild from the inside out and to create a powerful foundation for a joy-filled, alive feeling and fulfilling life you love. Welcome back to Transformed by Grief. I'm so glad to bring you today's episode because we're getting into a really important and not talked about that often conversation.

Ellie: 1:19

Subject all about needs. Our human needs are the basis of our vulnerability, our neediness, our humanness. That can very much come alive in any grief journey, in any broken open moment. We've been talking a lot about this in the sanctuary in the past couple months because beginning to have a deep relationship, awareness, connection, honoring of our needs, even when we can't perfectly fulfill them, or even when we need things that go beyond the power of our humanness, is the basis of any transformational journey, is the basis of any transformational journey Beginning to really understand ourselves, the parts of ourselves that have been molded by our past and left scars and holes that need tending to and that help create our wholeness, actually, when we connect with those kind of gaps in where we have been tended to, where we are still in need of love, where we are still in need of connection, where we are still in need of nurturing and support, and it goes on and on. But this is truly the basis of all transformational work, whether it be specific transformational grief work.

Ellie: 2:52

In my experience, grief arises in every single transformational journey. Most people just don't realize that grief is there when they embark on it. Grief has so many different textures and flavors and ways of arising in our system and as a society, we have come to understand grief in a very tangible way. I lost something. Therefore, I have grief, but it's so much bigger than that. And so this place of connecting to ourselves on this human level, it requires coming back to the body, it requires coming back to deep relationship with our humanness, our imperfection, the parts of us that we have probably tried to hide and override for years and years and years. If we are operating in the world that we're operating in especially if you are a woman and this place of beginning to connect with my needs.

Ellie: 4:00

I remember beginning my work with my coach in oh, let's see, it was a long time ago, maybe six years ago now, five or six years ago. Beginning to open up to the work of grief required that I come into deeper relationship with, and not even the work of grief. Beginning to open up to my own relationship with grief and beginning to allow and create the foundation for which I could move with my grief and release years of of Harvard grief and where I could begin to allow the built up inner pressure of suppressed emotion to escape so that I could feel myself again. All of this started with beginning to acknowledge my needs and beginning to own them with love and beginning to advocate for myself in these ways, and beginning to have a conversation with myself about where I had been pretending to not have needs or just simply subconsciously overlooking because I didn't feel safe to acknowledge them, or like they could be acknowledged, like it was okay for me to be in my imperfect humanness. So there is so much here. I feel like I could do an entire masterclass on this and maybe we will. If you want that, let me know, because this is like the before you even lay the concrete or the bricks of the foundation of a house you're building like. This is the I'm thinking of the word in Spanish bigas. This is like the really strong iron or steel rods that go into the ground that holds your structure together and that ground your structure to the earth. And needs are exactly that, or let me say that better are relationship to our needs and having and developing a relationship to our needs and beginning to understand the many different aspects and where they come from and how they relate to what we're feeling and what we're processing. That is like these, you know, huge pillars of support and huge pillars of grounding that ground us into the experience of transformation and ground us, bring us back to our humanness so that through that, we can open to divinity, so that we can open to wholeness, so that we can open to these greater parts of ourselves. It's interesting A lot of times when we're working with this and we're working with these kind of cracks in ourselves or these I've been using a little bit the analogy of Swiss cheese and the sanctuary like the holes in our Swiss cheese, those are actually the holes through which, as we tend to them and allow energy to flow through them.

Ellie: 6:58

Again, a lot of the times we've been trying to patch them up and keep them on the down low and to like pretend that they're not there. But actually, when we come into relationship, to patch them up and to keep them on the down low and to like pretend that they're not there, but actually when we come into relationship to them, that's where so many of our gifts and so much of our like divine essence, your soul, begins to flow through and that is where we end up connecting to ourselves. So this is like really humble, nitty-gritty feeling work at the beginning of being in our humanness and acknowledging the things that we didn't get, that we really needed when we were younger, the things that we still are needing now, coming into relationship to that now, grounding ourselves in the imperfection of humanness, and through that journey we rediscover and come into so much more of ourselves and have the invitation to allow this greater energy to express through us. So today I am sharing for the rest of the show this kind of opening talk around needs that I gave in the sanctuary. It's about half an hour long and there's also a practice at the end that leads you into relationship, kind of connective relationship with what's there. It talks about how we can meet our needs and how sometimes we can't, and what to do there and how to be in the gap of that when we feel grief and emotion there, and I guide you through that the whole time. This is a very kind of open-hearted, grounded conversation and so it doesn't move really quickly, but that's part of the invitation to allow yourself to just let the words and the concepts and the ideas and the exploration sink in and then at the end I'll lead you through a practice of just acknowledging and coming into connection with the needs that are present in your life and what that might be bringing up now. So, as always, if you would love to explore this more and work with me and a beautiful community around this more and develop all these different layers of your transformation, the sanctuary is always open.

Ellie: 9:02

Join us. We meet generally on Wednesdays. The timing varies a little bit because we've got people in all different time zones, but there are such special calls. Every call has just been so incredibly life-giving and we're really moving into a season of uncovering more. I can feel that happening in the people that are present, and I'm excited to see what that looks like and feels like. So if you are ready to join us, if you're ready to be met in your Born Through Grief journey, you know where to find me for one-on-one work and for the sanctuary. And, without further ado, here's a further exploration around needs. Oh, and one last thing when this episode ends, it ends in an extended moment of silence, letting you process and connect with whatever's coming up through the practice that I lead you through, through the reflection that I lead you through. This is the time, in the sanctuary, where we start to move into mentorship. This is the time in the sanctuary where we start to move into mentorship, and so just note that this will end with an extended time of silence, and then the music will kick in when the episode is over.

Ellie: 10:14

Okay, now here you go. So let's just do some internal sacred tending. You can follow along and just kind of be with yourself in it, taking a moment in your chair, eyes open or closed, to feel your butt and feel yourself arriving to the end of your day, taking a few conscious breaths in and really allowing them to begin to slowly bring you into your body, maybe even bringing your attention to any energy moving in your head space and just with each breath kind of breathing that down your face into your heart and then slowly into your belly on the exhales. Take a couple of those on your own, just taking a tender, precious moment with yourself here of acknowledgement of whatever you're feeling. If it feels good to place a hand on any part of your body, you can do that and I'm just closing my eyes to tune into things, but you can for sure have them open and just let a sense of connection with yourself be made, like I'm coming back to beautiful connection with myself after a long day, welcoming in awareness, awareness of what you're feeling, awareness of what you're needing, awareness of your energy level, of any exhaustion and and of anything else.

Ellie: 13:13

Just as you sink back into yourself with your breath, as you kind of feel yourself, maybe even lean back in your chair a tiny bit, what do you become aware of? What's asking for awareness and then inviting in a sense of acknowledgement and just acknowledging each of those things that came up, acknowledging yeah, I see you and I hear you to every part of yourself. Just kind of acknowledgement to your body, acknowledgement to your emotional self of like, yeah, that's real. Acknowledgement of your energy level. Yeah, acknowledgement of your needs and desires right now that may or may not feel met or that they are going to be met. And when we're beyond the kind of self-check-in state, I'll talk about two things that are coming up right now to talk about. That you can revisit or respond to later on. But just being with needs and desires is so important and yet being in the acknowledgement of them is even more important, without the attachment of needing them to be met Because we may not be able to meet them or they may not needing them to be met because we may not be able to meet them or they may not be able to be met externally right now. And as you continue to breathe here, just inviting in a invitation of acceptance, not needing to force acceptance, not even needing to try to accept anything, just inviting acceptance in and seeing how it might appear today, like, okay, I'm willing to play with you, acceptance, I'm willing to consider you. This is I breathe, what happens as we make space for acceptance, as we make space for acceptance of who you are right now, of where you are right now, of your needs, of your energy levels and more, not even trying to accept them, like I already said, just welcoming the potential of acceptance in and seeing what happens as we take a breath or two, thank you. So before we move on, just taking a breath or two so Noticing where you're landing internally.

Ellie: 17:59

So I was having a conversation with a friend today who lost a parent recently and we were talking about the journey of having a deeply connected experience with grief and feeling the call. Often that is not from our anything physical is not from our mind. It's like some call from our soul to have an intimacy with grief, basically an inner requirement to have intimacy with grief in a way that the world often doesn't or doesn't understand, and how strange that can be to process it with people that are living it in a different way or aren't grieving the same things. And one thing that really arose, as I was just kind of listening to where she was at, was something was again this very, very important part around the kind of prerequisite that we have to walk through or to move through in order to step into relationship with grief in a more fluid way, which is growing in our relationship to ourself and the yeah, there's kind of a prerequisite to being able to connect with grief on these deeper levels and that is through, in my experience, being able to connect with grief on these deeper levels and that is through, in my experience, being able to connect with ourselves in that way, which is ultimately like the overarching theme of all of our work and all of my work is and anybody that's ever worked with me is cultivating deep, deep relationship with self. And as we do that, we are meeting all of these parts of ourselves and all of these emotions and all of these experiences with deep connection as well, from the basis of that relationship. So, if you're here, you've already been working on that in your life because you're here. Nobody that's not open to that, nobody, that yeah, nobody would work with me if they're not open to that.

Ellie: 20:19

And a huge piece of that which is often really confusing is connecting with our needs and connecting with our desires from a clear place as a deep relationship with ourselves, and it's mainly confusing from the place of needs, especially for women in our society where needs have not all often been considered important or we have not been given the space to voice them, and beginning to come into relationship with our needs is kind of a huge, foundational piece of our ongoing grief journey. However, a lot of the times this can be taught or looked at or addressed from a place of well, if I look into my needs, then I must figure out how they are going to be met, and it can come from a place of control. And while I totally get that because usually that is just trying to patch pain and prevent us from pain, it is just a really, really important safety mechanism. The truth of needs often brings us to the truth of the pain, of them not having been met by us, by others, by God or however you relate to the beyond or however you relate to the beyond. And it's a very courageous act in my experience to begin to claim our needs in past versions of ourselves and in present versions of ourselves from a place of I really needed or I really need this If it wasn't met in the past, grieving that need not having been met. There's often anger here, there's often a whole slew of an experience here and then in the present. Also, I'm claiming this need, just stating I really need this and I don't know if it's going to be met.

Ellie: 22:51

And when we talk about that, there's a gap of grief and fear and relationship with the unknown that's created when we have the bravery to state that and step into. Basically, by stating it and not knowing how it's going to be met, we are stepping into a new relationship with the unknown. We're allowing ourselves to be fully seen, stated, claimed and for the unknown to meet us in that or not meet us in that. The unknown, in my experience, in my sense of it, always meets us, but it may not be an active sense of meeting our needs us, but it may not be an active sense of meeting our needs. And so when I bring up the awareness of our needs today, oftentimes when I explore this with one-on-one clients, we go into this a lot and it can be really scary just to claim like I need rest, I need this, I need that, I need money, maybe I need you know there's a million things we could need, but ultimately I think it usually comes down to like space connection, obviously having our basic needs met and claiming that or stating that.

Ellie: 24:28

And then, once we do that, we are invited into three potentials. One is that this need is potentially meetable by ourselves and we can offer that witnessing and that healing and support to ourselves by stating, oh, I really need sleep. Okay, I am going to go to sleep, I'm just using an example. Or, oh, I'm really needing to eat, even though nobody else is hungry. I need to go find myself some good food or make myself something. Or I really need to go to the bathroom and even though this isn't a potentially appropriate time to go to the bathroom in the sense of society, like I need to honor my body's need to go to the bathroom right now. So we're invited into the potential of turning towards that need and seeing can I meet this right now?

Ellie: 25:30

And exploring that if we can we may not always be able to, oftentimes we can't we're also invited into a place where we have a need and somebody else could potentially support us in that, and this is usually a really vulnerable place to share our needs with other people and to say I'm really needing support, or I'm really needing to know that you'll be there, or I'm really needing a hug, or I'm really needing to not make dinner tonight. Can you please, or you know, there's a million different iterations of this. I'm really needing to go on an adventure, will you join me? And so we're also invited into. Like, the first level is ourselves stating our needs, letting them kind of just exist in the abyss and letting ourselves sit with what is often the discomfort of really stating and claiming our needs in a place where we have indirectly or directly likely been told that we should be needless. And then we get to kind of explore that need and our potential ability to support ourselves in it, and in many ways this might be healing and at the same time we might not be able to. And then we get invited into the next layer, which is other people. And is this a need that I feel like I can express? And if I do express it, are others able to meet me in it? And I may express it and they may not be able to meet me in it.

Ellie: 27:31

Every time we step out from the self a little bit further, we're surrendering a little bit more control. We're surrendering a little bit more control. We're surrendering to the potential of the unknown. We're surrendering to the potential that we may not be met and yet it is worth it simply when it's in our capacity to do so, simply to explore, because oftentimes needs simply need. Needs simply need awareness and recognition. Yes, of course they need to be met. There are very basic needs that need to be met we need a house, we need food, we need water, we need sleep, we need income to be able to support these parts of our lives, et cetera, and beyond that.

Ellie: 28:24

Many times, on an emotional level, on a spiritual level, those needs can be there, but what they most need is witnessing. And so, as we witness ourselves, as we potentially explore being witnessed by others in our need, which can be extremely vulnerable, especially when we don't know if they're capable of meeting us in it or meeting it, we also have the awareness that it may not be meetable by a human or we may not be able to control it. And so is God, the divine universe, able to meet us in it? And oftentimes, when we're not able to meet ourselves and we don't feel either in a space to bring it to others or just others can't meet us in it, my prayer is just to lift up my need, like I don't know how this can be met, but I gotta lift it up to you because I don't have any way of meeting it myself.

Ellie: 29:24

There's a very deep place of vulnerability of simply acknowledging, layer after layer as we go deeper into our journeys, with grief and not with grief this I came into this from a grief angle, but it is a prerequisite to really being able to do this in grief anyways, to be in a place where we can say and claim what our needs are without the expectation that they will always be met. It's a very, very, very vulnerable thing always be met. It's a very, very, very vulnerable thing For me when I was exploring this, the first time I kind of stepped into my need exploration was about seven years ago and I was terrified terrified to even consider that I had needs like terrified and to even consider that I had all of these needs from the past that had never been met and that I had just skimmed over the top of or that I had needed to find a way through because they hadn't been met. And I usually just found it by squashing them down and trying to be somebody that didn't need anything from anybody else.

Ellie: 30:44

And oftentimes grief or broken open moments or whatever it is that brings you into deeper relationship with yourself, requires us to go through a gentle or not gentle version of reclamation, reclaiming each of these things, reclaiming the foundation of our humanness, which is neediness. So just take a second now it looks like Allison already did this, but if you're watching the replay, just take a second now and let's come back to that question of awareness and awareness of what needs might be present right now, and then let's just step into acknowledgement, like that is a real need, that is a real need. I see that this is valid, this is real, this is legit, and I'm so sorry if this hasn't been met in the past. I'm so sorry that it has not been met. And standing here now, in relationship to that need, we can ask is this a need I am able to meet? And if it's a no, that's okay. Is this a need other people are able to meet? And, as you sit with it, it might be a no too. And if it's a no-two, that's okay.

Ellie: 32:31

And any needs that are unmeetable in our humanness, just lifting them up to the unknown, lifting them up to the mystery, to God. I know every person in here has their own relationship with the divine and or is in their exploration of their relationship to the divine, and so sometimes just saying like I don't know, I'm just lifting this up to whatever's there because I don't know how to meet this, but then just taking the moment to sit with, what is it like to really sit with this need, to recognize it, to affirm it and then to be open to the potentials that it's not meetable, but to be aware of that? And just in that act, in my experience, we begin to disconnect a little bit more or decouple that's a better word, decouple, uncouple from the solving brain, because a lot of the times when needs arise and when needs come up, we are spurred into our I don't know, I'm number one here Intellect, one here, intellect, my intellect goes crazy trying to solve it and figure it out. And so when we go through this process of can I meet this personally? Are others going to be able to meet it? Is there actually somebody that would help me with this? And then, if there's a no to all of these things, can I just lift this up?

Ellie: 34:01

And as we go through the act of that and kind of the surrender of it, while still being in relationship to the need, in my experience we begin to create space to experience the need on a deeper level, in a different way, potentially on an emotional level, potentially from a place of spiritual, inner wisdom, because our mind has no longer hijacked it as its project that it is trying to solve. And so what is it like for you to simply sit with that, to sit with that process right now? I'll walk you through it again. What needs are present right now, what needs are asking to be seen and known and acknowledged, and just really feeling that need and feeling where it might be located in your body, how it's speaking to you, what it feels like. Then, give space for anything that might be swelling up with it. Are there images from the past, or memories from the past, or emotions from the past? Or sometimes even in my experience, as I simply recognized my needs, I ended up realizing how long they had been there without being acknowledged and I just felt so much immense inner grief and sadness that it had been there the whole time.

Ellie: 36:15

So just giving space to what the experience of actually seeing and being in relationship with your needs is and letting any emotion be there and then, parallel to that, just letting the emotion stay We'll come back to it in a moment and checking in with is this a need that I can meet right now? Is there any way I can turn towards this part of myself and step in and step in If there is, explore that lean into that. How can you do that? And if not, just take a moment to sit with the reality of the no. What does it feel like to not be able to meet your own needs? It might feel helpless or hopeless. Maybe there's peace here, maybe it's okay. There's a whole range of things that might exist here.

Ellie: 38:04

And then taking a breath and asking is this a need that anybody else can meet? Is there anyone in my life that is able to potentially meet this need? If I were to voice it to them and to share it with them from a really like open place and see if somebody comes up and if there is somebody, take a moment to explore. And if there is somebody, take a moment to explore. Oh, what would it be like to step out and vulnerably state this need to them From a really a place of love for myself and love for them? What would it be like to advocate for myself in this way? And if the answer is no, there's nobody that can meet this need, let's sit with that that can be big.

Ellie: 39:37

Sometimes these needs are like I need this to happen or I need this to change now because I don't feel like I have the capacity to keep going like this or whatever it is, and sometimes, as we just state the need, we realize it's unmeetable by other humans. There's nothing anybody can tangibly do in this moment to satisfy this and to to not even satisfy, fulfill this need. There can be just a cavern of emotion in this and there could be peace too. It could feel devastating and really scary to just hold this in yourself in your heart, scary to just hold this in yourself in your heart, something that nor you nor any other human can change in this moment or fulfill or meet in this moment. And also there can be this deep connection to the greater part of us in this space, to the greater part of us in this space, to the vast non-humanness, while we are very clearly in a human moment, and then taking a breath and lifting any unmet needs, unmet pieces, up to the divine, up to the heavens, out to the universe, up to God, however, and out to God.

Ellie: 41:29

However you want to do this, just surrendering it to the unknown. I'm just going to give a moment of silence for you to experience this and to see what comes as you do this, thank you. Thank you for listening to transformed by grief. Please take a moment to rate, review and subscribe to the show and to share it with a loved one that needs this medicine today. If you are ready to deepen into your own Transformed by Grief process, you can join the sanctuary membership or work with me one-on-one at eliflocom. See you soon.

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Episode Music credit:
Embrace by Sappheiros | https://soundcloud.com/sappheirosmusic
Music promoted on https://www.chosic.com/free-music/all/
Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Ep #26. Embracing the Void: Healing, Rejuvenation, and New Beginnings {Podcast}

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Full Episode Show Notes

Unlock the transformative power of grief with me as we journey through the three major energies that shape our healing process after profound loss. This episode of Transformed by Grief guides you in rebuilding a vibrant and joyful life, even after being shattered by pain. You'll gain insights into embracing life's inevitable voids and transitions, fostering a loving relationship with yourself and your grief, and finding your footing amid uncertainty. Experience the shift from release to rejuvenation, and discover how to embrace new beginnings with consciousness and intention.

On this episode, I explore: 

• The non-linear path of healing

• The energies that guide us into stillness, rejuvenation, and stepping into new opportunities

• How our first encounters with deep voids can redefine our approach to future challenges

• The art of orienting to new beginnings, unraveling survival modes, and embracing a state of openness

The conscious reorientation this episode introduces is an ongoing journey of healing and transformation, allowing you to welcome life's possibilities with renewed excitement and faith with time.

If you want to dive into the dynamics of transformation even more, go back and listen to episode #6. If you want to learn more about the power of energetic and emotional release, go back and listen to episode #5.

I would love to hear what arises for you as you listen, and anything specific you'd like to hear on the show. Shoot me a note via email (hello@ellieflow.com), or respond to the episode directly via the feature on your podcast app. 

 Ready for deep, intimate 1:1 support? Begin here.

Join The Sanctuary Membership here.

 Moving through an inner or outer shift or transition? Access the Make Space for the New Workshop for immediate support.

 Tap into more medicinal nuggets on the podcast: Listen Now.

Begin Your free ‘Awaken Your Flow’ Journey

Move through the latest Grief Flow on your own time here.

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Episode Music credit:
Embrace by Sappheiros | https://soundcloud.com/sappheirosmusic
Music promoted on https://www.chosic.com/free-music/all/
Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Presence: An Exploration + Meditation to Drop into Your Body and Heart {Podcast}

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Full Episode Show Notes

This bonus episode shares the audio from a recent IG live I led on presence, how it is our gateway to life, its connection with the heart  and its role in moving through seasons filled with deep emotion, the reasons the mind/intellect can keep us distracted instead of present, and how to begin to work with yourself to invite presence in.

The first 15 minutes are a short teaching and exploration, and the meditation begins at 16:20 minutes. 

I would love to hear what arises for you as you listen, and anything specific you'd like to hear on the show. Shoot me a note via email (hello@ellieflow.com), or respond to the episode directly via the feature on your podcast app. 

 Ready for deep, intimate 1:1 support? Begin here.

Join The Sanctuary Membership here.

 Moving through an inner or outer shift or transition? Access the Make Space for the New Workshop for immediate support.

 Tap into more medicinal nuggets on the podcast: Listen Now.

Begin Your free ‘Awaken Your Flow’ Journey

Move through the latest Grief Flow on your own time here.

Join my newsletter
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Episode Music credit:
Embrace by Sappheiros | https://soundcloud.com/sappheirosmusic
Music promoted on https://www.chosic.com/free-music/all/
Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Ep #25. The podcast has a new name, welcome to Transformed by Grief {Podcast}

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Full Episode Show Notes

It's episode 25 and the show is taking a new step as a guiding light and leader in Transformational Grief Work. Tune in to hear about this evolution, what being Transformed by Grief means, and what you can expect.

All my love, thank you for being here!

I would love to hear what arises for you as you listen, and anything specific you'd like to hear on the show. Shoot me a note via email (hello@ellieflow.com), or respond to the episode directly via the feature on your podcast app. 

 Ready for deep, intimate 1:1 support? Begin here.

Join The Sanctuary Membership here.

 Moving through an inner or outer shift or transition? Access the Make Space for the New Workshop for immediate support.

 Tap into more medicinal nuggets on the podcast: Listen Now.

Begin Your free ‘Awaken Your Flow’ Journey

Move through the latest Grief Flow on your own time here.

Join my newsletter
Find me on instagram

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Episode Music credit:
Embrace by Sappheiros | https://soundcloud.com/sappheirosmusic
Music promoted on https://www.chosic.com/free-music/all/
Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

EP #10. Bending Toward Life After Loss with Laura Thomas: Rock Bottoms in Grief, Reconnecting with the Core Self, and Mourning Life Seasons {Podcast}

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Full Episode Show Notes

This is such a special episode and raw conversation on reclaiming our relationship to Self and Life after loss with my friend, Laura Thomas. 

Laura and I met in college and then reconnected years later amidst our evolving grief journeys.  In this conversation (which we recorded in May 2023), we both reflect on grief and she shares her story of self discovery and self-love, catapulted by her brother's death to suicide in her early 20's.  Her story perfectly exemplifies what it means to say and live out, "I am willing, even though I am scared", and the wisdom she embodies through her 'born through grief' journey is deeply touching and encouraging. 

Content Warning: Depression, Mental Break and Suicide 

Laura Thomas is a writer, TEDx speaker, and the founder of Next Level Story, where she is a professional editor and ghostwriter. After graduating, Laura wrote, produced, and performed a one-women play about her brother’s loss to suicide, which she toured around the U.S., hosting discussions on grief and healing. Her first book, The Magic of Well-Being: A Modern Guide to Lasting Happiness, distills masterful advice for living a better life, and her upcoming memoir shares her evolving journey with loss. She works with aspiring authors to overcome internal barriers and experience the power of telling their story.

You can connect with Laura on Instagram here.

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Episode Music credit:
Embrace by Sappheiros | https://soundcloud.com/sappheirosmusic
Music promoted on https://www.chosic.com/free-music/all/
Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

EP #9. Born Through Grief: Navigating the Ripples of Loss as You Embrace the Surrender and Growth {Podcast}

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Full Episode Show Notes

In this episode I am sharing the energy of the 'Born Through Grief Journey'. I speak to the origins of the phrase, what it means in our lives, the initiation that it entails, and its undeniable power in our lives when we say "Yes, I am afraid but willing" to grief and loss portals and initiations. 

I specifically cover: 

• An introduction to the concept of "born through grief"

• Personal experiences and insights related to the transformative journey of grief

• The choiceless choice of surrendering to the pain of loss

• The atomic bomb analogy for loss and the disruption and transformation it brings

• Navigating through the ripples and waves of grief

• Each ripple as an opportunity for growth and embracing the new version of oneself

• The unique nature and duration of the "born through grief" journey

• Surrendering to the path and being present with the rawness and fragility of grief

• Living authentically in the midst of grief and defying societal expectations

• The importance of allowing the journey to take the time it needs and evolving through the process

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Episode Music credit:
Embrace by Sappheiros | https://soundcloud.com/sappheirosmusic
Music promoted on https://www.chosic.com/free-music/all/
Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

EP #8. A Reflection + Breath Practice to Return to Your Heart, Make Space for Pain, and Move From Authenticity {Podcast}

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Full Episode Show Notes

This episode is all about bringing a conscious moment of welcoming to the grief and pain that is alive in ourselves and the world, while also centering in the heart, releasing energy that isn't our own, and moving with the energy that IS our own.  I lead you in a short breath practice that I call the Fountain Breath, to help you do this. It is calming, cleansing, and centering. 

If you would like to move with music during this time, try out the Grief Flow October Playlist that I used in this week's workshop. It is perfect for a 20 minute time of release or meditation. 

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Book a single 90 Minute 1:1 Session
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I would love to hear what arises for you as you listen, and anything specific you'd like to hear on the show. Shoot me a note via email (hello@ellieflow.com), or respond to the episode directly via the feature on your podcast app. 

Episode Music credit:
Embrace by Sappheiros | https://soundcloud.com/sappheirosmusic
Music promoted on https://www.chosic.com/free-music/all/
Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Music + Intuitive Movement = Grief Medicine {Grief•Flow}

If I don’t make space for my grief to flow, the greater flow of my mental and physical energy stagnates, as does my connection to the Divine and to creativity.

If grief doesn’t have space to flow, I feel muted and closed off to intimacy with my loved ones, without words to express and share my heart.

If I haven’t made space for grief to flow, my body and energy feel flat and my eyes tired.

Finding the ways and spaces where I feel free to really sink into grief, sometimes for 5 minutes, other times for as long as needed, has been a work in progress.  I find it is so much easier to connect to it and offer it space when I don’t feel alone, when I am held in love by someone else, or by music.

The idea of a GriefFlow ceremony was born in Fall of 2021. As the shock of saying goodbye to my mom began to wear off slowly, 6 months later, the heaviness in my body felt stifling and unrelenting.  

I was extra sensitive to stimulation and realized that music without lyrics met me in my broken-open heart with softness, in ways nothing else could.  One afternoon while sitting out in the autumn sun, my Spotify ‘Discover Weekly’ playlist introduced a piece that instantly captivated me. 

Within a few moments of listening I could hear the grief alive in the song - I could feel the yearning, missing, dreaming, remembering, and the connection to all that was, is and will or won’t be.

I went on a Google deep dive to find the story that went with it, and quickly learned that the artist had written it shortly after his mom passed away from cancer. I was stunned and in awe of how my body and heart could feel the source of the creation.

I played the song over and over again, and as I listened, my body wanted to move with the music. It felt so good to be held by the dancing melodies, which seemed to represent the many faces of grief, loss, hope, love, and peace. 

Tears would flow in some moments, and in others my lips would form the biggest smile. I would often start the song seated, and at some point something inside of me would lead me up and into movement. Then a few minutes later, it would call me back to the floor to simply lay there and receive the medicine of the music. 

The medicine of knowing I was not alone in this pain.

During the 8 minute song, I would go from feeling dull and disconnected, to feeling my body and heart fluid and alive again.  Like I could breathe deeply and see life again, within and without.

Sometimes I would feel called to clean afterwards, or fold my clothes (things that were hard for me to find energy for at the time). Other times I would feel hunger rumble for the first time in days and be inspired to cook something new and fresh, or I would move to my easel and paint. 

Sometimes I would just lie there and rest. 

Sometimes messages would arrive, other times I would receive the nourishment of the silence.

Each tiny little ceremony the music helped me hold liberated a little bit of energy that had been suppressed, without forcing, expectation or agenda.  No need to be any way or place that I wasn’t.  I could let all my emotions arise and move.

As I found myself in this GriefFlow over and over again, I began to dream of a space where we could honor grief like this in community. Where lyrics and words wouldn’t be necessary, because let’s be real - grief often extends beyond what words can reach.

And here we are.

During the next GriefFlow Workshop, we will begin with a short introduction and reflection, and then I will guide you into an opening meditation that allows you to feel into any ways or places grief might be alive for you right now.  

As we soften into our inner landscapes, I will press play on a curated playlist (all songs without lyrics), and then will guide you as you listen to your body, to how the music meets you and moves you.  Most people will want their cameras off during this part, to feel free to be in their space as they wish.

As the music concludes (about 25 mins in total), we will transition into a time to circle and share anything that arose. There will also be space to ask questions or for guidance from me.

While I can't predict what will arise and move within you during this workshop, I can tell you that people are often surprised by how light, refreshed, grounded yet energized they feel at the end.

The grief that moves and transmutes in these workshops may be everything from the loss of a loved one, or a relationship, to the loss of a home or homeland, a season of life, job, a dream, of health, or the grief of living in an imperfect world as imperfect humans.

I believe we all harbor grief in one or more ways. 

This workshop is for everyone that is willing to open to it, even if you don’t consciously know the where, why, and how. 

I invite you into the mystery and all that awaits, with deep trust it will be nourishing to your soul and beyond.

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join me

Book your exploratory session with me here

October 11 @5pm ET / 4pm CT / 2pm PT: GriefFlow LIVE Workshop - REGISTER HERE

October 25th @5PM ET / 4pm CT / 2PM PT: Embodied Acceptance LIVE Workshop - REGISTER HERE

REGISTER FOR BOTH WORKSHOPS & SAVE $10 HERE

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Meditation for Emotional release

*Scroll down to listen to the meditation

This Meditation for Emotional Release is incredibly gentle, soothing, and offers guidance to begin to feel into parts of you that might be more ready to surface and be expressed than you realize. 

When I first shared this meditation in a program I led in 2021, one of the participants said she began to sob halfway through, releasing deep sadness she didn't even realize she was carrying, and felt so much lighter afterward. 

The magic of release is partly about basking in the fertile emptiness and silence that is created by our letting-go, and this meditation will help you access this space within.

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Full Episode Show Notes

This is an original mediation that supports connecting to, honoring, and releasing your pain in a healthy way.

Always make sure you are in a safe place, and not operating a vehicle, when playing meditations such as this. Music used in this meditation can be found here.

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Episode Music credit:
Embrace by Sappheiros | https://soundcloud.com/sappheirosmusic
Music promoted on https://www.chosic.com/free-music/all/
Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

EP #5. The Power of Emotional and energetic release {Podcast}

*Scroll down to listen to the episode below

Fall is officially here in the US, and as we begin to explore the slow loosening and letting go of this season, I'm sharing all about The Power of Emotional + Energetic Release on the podcast this week (along with a bonus meditation on the podcast feed). 

In episode 5, I take you on a journey, exploring the importance of releasing stuck and repressed emotion in order to: 

⛲️liberate VITALITY,

⛲️ tap into CREATIVITY, and 

⛲️ connect with YOUR AUTHENTIC ENERGY. 

I personally have a loooonnnnggg history of repressing emotion – I'm talking almost 30 years of holding lots in, pushing pain down, overriding my needs and feelings in the (subconscious) name of survival.  

A certain circumstance in my life right now reminded me of how important finding a safe way to release is in order to arrive at clear energy and live from deep Self connection.

In this episode, I share what the process of unraveling this has been like for me over the last 7ish years, how different I feel in my body now, and I also break down the energetics and alchemy of safe emotional expression and the rejuvenation it offers each of us.

I believe this episode is powerful for everyone, and I'd especially like to dedicate it to the sensitive, deep feelers that have not felt safe to show and share your emotions.

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Full Episode Show Notes

In this episode I take you on a journey, exploring the importance of releasing stuck and repressed emotion in order to liberate vitality, tap into creativity, and connect with who we really are. I share what this process has been like as a client and a coach, and break down the energetics and alchemy of safe emotional expression and the rejuvenation it offers each of us, especially deep feelers or those of us that have not felt safe to show and share our emotions.  

I work with many high achieving women that have learned how to cut off or override their flow of emotion as a survival strategy. If this is you, this episode is extra pertinent. 

If the pulse of this episode hits your heart, try out the meditation for pain I have added to the podcast feed, and book your exploratory session with me here. 

To explore my work more, visit www.ellieflow.com.

I would love to hear what arises for you as you listen, and anything specific you'd like to hear on the show. Shoot me a note via email (hello@ellieflow.com), or respond to the episode directly via the feature on your podcast app. 

Book your exploratory session with me here

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Episode Music credit:
Embrace by Sappheiros | https://soundcloud.com/sappheirosmusic
Music promoted on https://www.chosic.com/free-music/all/
Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

EP #4. Allow Your Inner Wisdom to Emerge (+ Guided Meditation) {Podcast}

Last night I had the pleasure and honor of leading a short contemplative meditation at a community dinner.  Afterwards, my seat mate asked me how I got into meditation and mindfulness.  I shared with him that early in my conscious transformational journey, about 5 years ago, guided meditation really helped me connect with parts of myself beyond my (very active and quick) mind - which was in constant panic and overwhelm at the time. 

I also shared with him that now in my own practice, and in my work as a facilitator, I've learned that all I need to do is create space to return to (and attune to) the heart.

THE REST WILL UNFOLD NATURALLY.

This is the essence of everything I share on The Fountain podcast, and this week's episode, called Allow Your Inner Wisdom to Emerge, especially focuses on the process of creating space to be a loving witness to the needs and tones of our intellects, physical bodies, emotional selves, and spiritual selves.  

In my experience, in order to hear the greater wisdom of our beings and beyond, we often need to release of the energy, thoughts and tensions that keep us occupied and looping in the same way over and over again.  

As the space for release, without an agenda, is created, we are able to touch into a stillness – a fertile emptiness – through which greater wisdom can emerge, be heard, received and integrated. 

The second half of this week's podcast episode is a 16-minute guided meditation/practice that will help you create this space and allowance.

 It my version of the simple, yet profound, guided journey that my mentor used with me as I was slowly tapped into my heart-centered flow and opened to greater connection with myself, and beyond.

This is a practice you can do daily, even while walking, with a journal, or anyway that (safely) helps you attune to the subtleties of your energy.

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Full Episode Show Notes

In this episode I share lingering thoughts on opening to our fullness that came up after the last episode, then I dive into my first invitation into feeling my fullness 5 years ago and what that looked like.  I reflect on the power of being guided into connection with our intellect, physical bodies, emotional selves, and spiritual selves, and how it can help you begin to understand and feel into your wholeness more. I also speak on the power of learning to listen deeply to our many dimensions, and how it frees up space to allow your intuition and greater wisdom and energy to emerge and guide you.

The guided 4 Part Meditation for Wholeness begins at 15:30 (FYI it purposely does not have music so that you can simply listen to yourself and anything happening for you more acutely).

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Episode Music credit:
Embrace by Sappheiros | https://soundcloud.com/sappheirosmusic
Music promoted on https://www.chosic.com/free-music/all/
Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

EP #3. Open To Your Fullness {Podcast}

What does opening to our fullness even mean or look like?

This episode of the fountain explores what our "fullness" even means, reclaiming it from the idealized vision that is often touted in the current personal growth or spiritual world, and offering space to invite pieces of yourself that you've shut out to slowly reincorporate. The episode begins and ends with a brief meditative and breathing practice to anchor into your energy and to embody this message in your own way. I also explore energies of resistance, expansion, flow, and letting go. 

You can enjoy the Fountain Flow Playlist here (on Spotify).

Please note: there is a tiny bit of static at the beginning and end of the episode that I was not able to edit out fully, but it only lasts a few seconds - continuing to work on improving sound quality for you!

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Episode Music credit:
Embrace by Sappheiros | https://soundcloud.com/sappheirosmusic
Music promoted on https://www.chosic.com/free-music/all/
Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

EP #2. Making Space Again After Grief, Loss, and Immense Inner Shifts {Podcast}

Welcome back to The Fountain! This episode is an exploration inspired by a session with one of my clients and gets into the energetics of "making space again" after periods of massive inner (and life) shifts, grief, and loss.

I explore the importance of allowing ourselves to fully grieve and mourn, to fully be in our process of release, to arrive into the gift of opening to life again. I touch into the nuances of what this opening can feel like, and how to observe and work with the energy of "making space again" when it arises for you.

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Episode Music credit:
Embrace by Sappheiros | https://soundcloud.com/sappheirosmusic
Music promoted on https://www.chosic.com/free-music/all/
Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

EP #1. Introducing My New Podcast: The Fountain with Ellie Thomas

I have a really exciting announcement today - a project I have been playing with since mid-march is finally ready to be shared with you!

After 5 months of listening, exploring, advancing, and then retracting and refining until it felt more clear, The Fountain with Ellie Thomas Podcast is LIVE 🎉🎧✨.

The Becoming of The Fountain began months ago…

When I let go of the Deeply Nourished For Life podcast and took it off air in early 2021, I had no idea if another show would emerge with time or not.  Now, 2.5 years later, many of the elements that I originally engaged as part of my work with Deeply Nourished for Life and The Well Together Collective have re-emerged, asking to be shared, explored, and offered with the energy that now flows through me.

While it doesn't seem that surprising in hindsight, each time it happens feels pretty wild – like an old, long-lost friend arriving at my door after years of being out of touch, yet knowing the love has never faltered. There is catching up to do, new expression available on both ends, lots of questions and reflections to be entertained, and eagerness to get to know each other as we are now and see what can become of our re-union.

This new podcast first tapped me on the shoulder in early March of this year.  I had just taught a class on Sacred Grief, where I shared pieces of my walk with grief and its transformative nature in my life.  While I unconsciously knew there was exponential wisdom ready to be shared through me, it wasn't until the class finished that I had a clearer glimpse of just how much, and how eagerly it wanted be let out.

I believe that once embodied, wisdom and teachings don't need to be spoken to be shared and of service - our simple beingness can bestow them.  However,  as the internal treasure chest opened that day, I saw that each jewel would only multiply and take its fullest shape and form when I offered them to an external home – a place where those hungry could arrive, receive, connect and interact with the energy of the learnings, and then make them their own.  

As I played with the creation of a new podcast, at first I thought the show was meant to be purely grief focused. But as I began to record episodes on the topic, it didn't feel quite right.  Something felt flat, and while grief is never one dimensional (in my experience), focusing solely on it was too limited for what was in flow for this podcast. 

Over the past month, as I let go more fully of my original understanding, The Fountain appeared.  I chuckled to myself when it landed so clearly. Grief, and grief as transformational force in life, is a prominent part of my fountain and it will be part of the podcast flow, but it is just one piece of the whole and there is so much more ready to spill out.

ALL OF ME, ALL OF LIFE, AND ALL OF YOU WANTED TO BE WELCOMED INTO THIS NEW EXPERIENCE. 

As I say in the intro:

"This show is a place where we connect with our multi-dimensionality. With the Life, the living water flowing within us, through mind, body, Spirit, heart, and All. This show is a place where we explore it all, where we tap into wisdom that has surfaced through pain and joy, and the fullness of our journeys. This podcast is a place to come and remember, to sink back into, the living water that flows within you, and to be guided back to your fountain, your fullness, your wholeness."

I am so excited to birth this new space and share it with you. It feels out there in the perfect Ellie way, and aligned with my heart and fullness. I hope it brings you into your heart and fullness instantly as you listen and take it in.

I would love to hear what arises for you as you listen, and anything specific you'd like to hear more about on the show. 

I'd also be immensely grateful it you take a moment to share the show with someone that comes to heart or mind, and rate and review the it on your favorite listening platform!

P.S. This spring I also received the intuitive message that many of us that are meant to share our voices in a new wave of podcasting are feeling the tug on our hearts, or taps on our shoulders. If this is you, may this be encouragement to you to take your next step in the exploration.

One Year of ELLIE•FLOW

On Saturday, EllieFlow officially turned one! 

I’ll never forget sending the emails to reveal the (re)new(ed) platform for my work last year. It was a sunny Friday afternoon, and I sat at the table in our back yard. I hadn’t expected to be at home that day – we had a wedding to attend out of town but a few days earlier my husband wasn’t feeling well and we opted not to make the trip.  In the liberated and unexpected space that became available, I felt the call, “It’s time, she’s ready, they’re ready, you’re ready.”

EllieFlow had first dropped in a year earlier, during a time when I could hardly move most days, so stricken with shock and grief, feeling quite empty and disconnected as everything I had placed value on previously didn’t seem relevant anymore. I had fully released my previous businesses a month or so earlier, and embarked on sabbatical as I grappled with what would come of me, of my life, of my marriage, of my home, of my family, of my future, and more.  

As I recall this, I am flooded with tearful remembrance of the simultaneous lost-ness and the unexpected peace that graced the suspended time where release of the past met the blank page of the future.  
 

There is something about those early days and months post-loss that is incomparable to anything else I’ve lived - it offered crystal clarity about what was important to me, what felt right and what didn’t, while also gently commanding daily surrender to the unknown because there was absolutely no other way of living within my reach.  At first, there was nothing to know, so everything that required knowing, I would dismiss or place on hold. As the weeks and months passed, that became more difficult, and I would try to fight the not knowing.  My top notch intellect jumped at the task of figuring “it” out or making a plan.  Maybe it would work for a day or two, but then I’d be kicked out of the illusion and sent right back to my on-going soul work of accepting exactly where I was and the fact that I had absolutely no idea what would come. 
 

Amidst a moment of complete acceptance while sitting on my couch in June 2021, fully tapped into the moment, the EllieFlow name and vision arrived.  I wrote it down, along with my interpretation and meaning of the fountain, but had little energy to do much more.  

So I let it go with a prayer “If this is what’s next, it will come when it’s ready, when I’m ready.” 

A month later, a friend and colleague referred someone to me for coaching. At the time, my old website had one phrase next to my picture and a ‘contact me’ section. Yet, this person felt the resonance and a week later we had an exploratory call (for which I was 40-minutes late because I lost track of time painting with my beloved friend Anna) while I sat on the floor of my soon-to-be-office in the house we were moving into. The walls were still a robin’s egg blue that felt so far from the vibe I hoped to create, and I worried she would hear the echo of the empty space as we spoke on the phone.  I was very transparent with her that I was amidst a season of immense grief and recalibration, but when she asked, I shared what I had lived in my own journey of transformation so far and what I offered to my clients. 

She felt the EllieFlow energy before it was anything tangible and we began working together.  

In the months that followed, my shock dissolved more and without its gentle and constant cushioning from the reality of life without my mom, I entered the darkest mind-body-soul grief void I have lived. Beyond the sessions with my new client (which I loved, cherished, and felt so alive in), I had little capacity to do anything with the idea after idea that popped into my head – all I dreamed of creating through EllieFlow.  I bounced between the bliss of the creative energy arising in moments, and the fear and doubt that it would never become anything or that I would be stuck in the void forever.

The first days of 2022 felt especially bleak, but I felt called to update my resume for the first time since I started Deeply Nourished for Life in 2017.  What began as a mundane process became a magical journey of remembering what a fucking badass I am. As I read through everything I had led, supported, and co-created through Deeply Nourished For Life & The Well Together Collective, all amidst an international move, relocating to a new city, my mom’s multi-year journey with cancer, treatment, then death, and my own multi-dimensional healing journey, I saw myself and my life with renewed hope.

The process liberated and updated my energy, and shortly afterward, I could feel EllieFlow ready to take visible form. 

I played for hours with the colors, logo and heart-filled words that would represent this soul mission; 90% of the new platform for my offerings was created in 3 days in mid-January.

As you know, there were still multiple months of life and process I needed to live before I was ready to unveil her, but when I did finally share EllieFlow with you all last June, nothing felt more right. And yet again, I had no idea what would come next. 
 

If you’ve been following along since then, you know this year has been about stepping out of my grief cocoon and into the amplified capacity and vision my becoming has led me to so far. It has been about being consciously willing and open to take the inner and outer steps as they have presented themselves, to share what I offer and who I am with those that are ready, while simultaneously allowing myself to be seen and known in my imperfect process.

EllieFlow is the keeper of my soul work - inward and outward. 

This year has been a maturation from inner toddlerhood into rooted womanhood, trusting and allowing myself to fill the space I effortlessly command with softness, openness, love, vitality, passion and reverence for the depths that are often painful to journey into.

This year has been a year of getting to know the fullness of EllieFlow, and spending time with the sacred land of rejuvenation and restoration that I am here to steward.

Every step of the way she has required that I let go of what I think she needs to be and the timeline of where I think I need to be.  She has required vulnerability and openness, a willingness to meet the moment fully with deep trust that all is being nurtured and nourished to support growth and the greater mission in perfect timing. She has required that I be brave enough to embrace the often not-so-glamourusseeming missions I am here to support and carry out. 
 

Every time I sit with her, she is more full, luscious, and ample than I previously realized.  She is wise and patient, never in a rush, enjoying what is already flourishing amidst her forests, prairies, ponds, shores, around her benches.  And of course receiving what is flowing in her majestic fountain. She invites me to sit in the center and delight in her exactly as she is right now, especially when I am feeling impatient or discouraged. 

This year of playing in EllieFlow land has been a gift.

Every client session reveled in. Every writing vortex entered. Every newsletter breathed in. Every healing space held.

Every challenging moment I have met within myself or my life. Every moment of awe and richness felt in the simple beauty of being alive.

Every minute spent on a walk with my dog, talking out loud to myself and the trees or convening with the birds.

Every yoga class.

Every opportunity to share and teach I have been invited into. 

Every time I have sobbed alone, or to my husband, my friends, my Dad, my sister, my mentor, and to God in grief, fear, doubt or disappointment. 

Every moment of belief in what is to come.

Every moment of celebration for what is unfolding.

Every month I could feel the momentum building underground. Every month something new sprouted. Every month when it seemed like nothing was happening.

Every time I asked for a sign. Every time I received one.

Every word spoken to my mom. Every minute listening for her.

Every kitchen dance party. Every nap needed. Every pottery piece crafted.

Every cuddle and Saturday morning breakfast with my husband.

Every moment of acceptance of who I am and the fullness that is alive within, right here, right now.

Every offering. Every surrender.
 

All of it, and sharing it with you, a gift. 

Here’s to the vibrant year of flourishing flow ahead. While I feel the arrival of many blossoming creations, I won’t dare say that I know all it will hold.

But I trust the connection, wisdom, liberated energy and expression, healing, and beauty that is already supported here will only deepen. 

I invite you in.

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Big Uplevel energy at work (A seasonal reflection)

I've felt a subtle, yet also HUGE, up-level happening internally in the past 8 weeks, and wow, it's been a really beautiful and an often intense ride. I am thankful to feel present to it all even if it's brought up all sorts of things to be with, and this week I wrote a reflection on this to share with you! 

I have felt rooted in my relationship with myself for a quite a while now, and more so than ever in the last 9 months.  Yet even so,  this transitional Spring season has challenged (read: fiercely called) me to sink into deeper trust in myself, in who I have become, and in Life as I continue to explore and embody the much greater capacity I now hold.

It's wild to think back to April 2022 Ellie  (enter some 3rd person because it doesn't feel right to call that version of me “I” anymore) – she was just peeping her head out of her grief hibernation cave and learning to be known and seen in what felt like a totally transformed existence (compared to any version of myself I had perviously shared publicly).  Today I can hardly feel the trepidation, overwhelm and rawness she felt daily as I simply moved through life one year ago, yet I am so immensely grateful to her, her courage and bravery, for taking the steps back out into the world little by little.

As we entered 2023, I received a message in a meditation indicating that the energy of this first quarter of the year was to be My Coming Out Party. Yes, I lol'd with joy the first time I heard that too, but I knew exactly what it meant; it was time to share myself fully, to let others see and know what I am about, who I am, and what I am here to teach, guide, and share. It was time to remove any fluff I'd placed, like bumpers in bowling, as protection from being misunderstood or disliked. It was time to say, “Here I am in all of my rawness and glory” and let the potency of my work and words be felt on a new level.

It was no coincidence that I walked out of the second year and into the third without my mom during this season, and that I began to feel and know my resiliency, strength, and rootedness on a whole new level.  The More Myself program was born from in this time, and sharing it felt like allowing my soul to spill onto the page and integrate into what I offer even more deeply.

There were also multiple opportunities to say YES to life in renewed ways in February and March, including embracing things I knew I wanted to do even if I felt a  afraid or nervous. It was fascinating to observe myself begin to enter into fear or anxiety, but to a much lesser level than I had in the past, and then remind myself that I have a completely different relationship with my body, my capacity, my abilities, my intellect and my emotions now.  When I reminded my self of this, the nervousness lessened significantly and what came through more prominently was vibrant curiosity. “What would it be like to try this again as I am now? I know I can pause, or rest, or stop at any time, and what if I love it?!”  And everything I tried again, I loved.

In March, I lived a powerful full circle moment teaching two, 2-hour Sacred Grief events in one of my mentors' membership.  Almost exactly 3 years prior, my grief had been held in one of her containers in a way that opened me to the possibility of being fully seen and known in my pain amidst community, and returning to offer this same witnessing and space was one of the most natural and incredible “dreams come true” moment I've lived.

The first event I taught was a class where I shared my story with grief, recalling the 25 years it's energy has been intimately part of my life even though I didn't have a conscious relationship with it for 20+ of them.  I spoke of the potential grief has to aid destruction when we are denying it or pushing it away, and the potential it has to support expansion when we are willing to fully be with it.  I reflected on how grief is the most simultaneously expansive and contractive process I've experienced.  I taught the EllieFlow 5 Spheres of Transformation (more to come on that soon as part of a special secret project I'm working on), and what is available to us when we are pushed to our edges and have no other option but to fully surrender.

The preparations felt peaceful while also demanding all of me, and teaching the class probably kicked off the “Ellie, you're stepping into something bigger, you're ready, it's time, here you are” energy that has been stirring since.

The second event was a GriefFlow Circle, where I guided a space to connect with the grief present and then move intuitively to music, allowing it to transmute and release energetically.  After the movement portion, there was space to share about the experience and what people were feeling.  The shares were so rad, so liberated, full of depth and yet equally light and refreshed.  As soon the event finished, I turned on some EDM and grooved in celebration and gratitude for the amplified ownership and embodiment of my journey through this opportunity.  I felt, yet again, more me, more alive, more full, more whole, more woman, more complete.   

A few days later, as accidental integration of this experience, we traveled to visit my dad and make maple syrup with him on the farm where I grew up for the weekend.  Our time was sweet and rich (beyond the syrup), and I took time to sit in the room my mom died in to cry, talk to her, and listen.  As I enjoyed the bright sun warming us on a windy and cold day, as I saw my dad smile with excitement while showing us the sap-boiling-setup in the sugar shack my husband designed and built with him, as I chatted with the wind chime now hanging above one of my mom's wildflower gardens, and as we tasted the syrup and bottled it into jars to be enjoyed and shared, I was able to breathe in the abundance of my homeland and the gifts that have continued to come with the patient love and tending.

The end of March unexpectedly rocked me with some hard family stuff, and the up-level energy grew in intensity as new challenges tend to be portals for big internal updating.  Since, this last month has been all about revisiting my foundation of safety and well-being amidst hard moments, and allowing my mind and self-concept to update fully and match who I have become instead of staying calibrated to a past version of me.

Through this process, and allowing myself the FULL space to be IN (messy) PROCESS with myself, I feel like I have once again capitulated into another realm of existence in the last week.  Thinking back to the ‘6-weeks ago Ellie’, I already feel anchored in a different place, and remain in awe of the constant shifts and expansion available when we are willing to stay open to Life and to what is underway amidst our organic evolution.

This week I have taken many long walks in the spring sunshine, which is powerful medicine to my mind, body, and soul.  On Tuesday mid-walk, I began to see myself like a budding tree with an ample root system that had been growing and establishing itself for many years, often silently. I began to feel how acknowledging, owning, and enjoying my rootedness allows me to sway freely (and even enjoy!) with the winds as they come, knowing that I will stay firm and rooted, continuing to grow my branches and offer upward and outward.

What do you resonate with most in this reflection? Does anything call to your depths in an unexpected way? 

How do you find yourself relating to this season? Does it feel like a time of unleveling, a time of integration, or even a void season for you?

 I wish you loving acceptance and vibrant curiosity as you reflect on the last few months.

The power of surrender when you have nothing left to give: A personal REflection at the 2-year anniversary of my mom’s death

As I prepare to lead More Myself and the Community Circle this week, today I am making space to integrate this weekend's reflective, grief-filled, and also beautiful life-filled moments.  

As we crossed the threshold of 2 years without my mom yesterday, it felt like I transversed so many aspects of myself and all that I am willing to dance with to live fully, freely and in connection with mySelf, others, the Earth, God, and Life. 

Some moments this weekend were filled with laughter and entertainment as we saw a great theatrical rendition of The Hobbit at a local children's theater.  Others were spent silently sobbing or with my eyes closed remembering the last precious day with my mom, and mourning the version of myself that was innocent then around what it would be like to lose her. I remembered all of the things I didn't yet know then or that I wish that I would have done differently. Other moments were filled with hugs, walks in the sunshine and snow, flower deliveries and text messages that reminded me yet again of all of the love and beautiful people that surround me - of all the ways I have let people in and allowed their love to reach my heart in the last few years (and that I have hoped to reach theirs).

I even surprised myself in new ways this weekend, first by buying a last minute single ticket to last night's Maggie Rogers' concert.  I had looked at these tickets on and off for months but somehow it never registered that the concert was on the anniversary of my mom's death.  But when I got an alert on Saturday morning that there were some resale tickets left for her Feral Joy tour, I couldn't stop thinking about joining thousands as we danced to songs that had cradled me through the process of losing my mom and so much more in 2021.

Maggie's music first spoke to me on my birthday in 2020.  I was lying on the floor of my office in our old apartment, doing a 1:1 breath work session, and the facilitator's playlist included her song Falling Water.  I remember tears running down my face as the song started, and I wanted to sing along but felt like I couldn't, like my voice didn't work. Later on that day I listened to that song over and over again, moving to it and letting it move me.  The energy of it felt so freeing and alive, and it quickly became the soundtrack for my healing and blossoming authentic expression, followed by her songs Alaska, Light On, Back in My Body, and more.

On Saturday, the thought of going to the show excited me and gave me the opportunity to anchor even more deeply into the playfulness and joy of being fully alive that I have been sinking into in the last many months.  Through the cloud of thoughts questioning  “Do you really need to go? What if you're not feeling up to it tomorrow? Is this a weird thing to do on a such a sensitive day?", I decided to trust the liberating, powerful, ALIVE energy I could feel deep within. I began to see attending the concert as its own ceremonious moment where the past version of me that felt like her voice didn't work could belt it out, once again letting the music move and heal her.  When I bought the ticket on Saturday, nothing felt more right.

The last many years of my mom’s life, she aimed to feel more joy. Something about the tour name Feral Joy felt like a tribute to her and an ode to letting my spontaneous, adventurous, playful Ellie claim her place.

However on Sunday morning, I was feeling quiet and inward, without many words or desire to be with a lot of people. I just wanted to do my own thing.  After taking it hour-by-hour for most of the day, at 4pm my husband and I attended a yoga workshop at our studio.  As we arrived I felt very little emotional and mental energy in my tank, and was ready to simply lie on my mat to rest if that is what felt best during the class. But as the meditation began, and my body began to warm up, I felt really good to move.  

As we flowed through many mini-series stacked together, I found myself in a deep state of surrender, with willingness to continue as long as my body felt good doing – I was willing to just keep moving from one posture to the next until it didn't feel good anymore.  An hour or so into the workshop, we had one series left and it was 100 degrees in the room (even warmer than it normally is). People groaned in exertion all around the room, taking rests as they needed. I knew I could stop at any moment, but my body felt good moving so that’s what I did and soon I had a powerful realization, which I have thought many times but this time is settled into my cells: I have lived through and survived my deepest fear, and continue to come out the other side liking who I am and consciously cultivating a life I want to keep living. As long as I wasn’t pushing myself in an unhealthy way, the challenge of continuing on brought me gratitude, energy, and joyous exploration of what is possible, in and through my body and being.

Soon we paused for water and I saw myself in a mirror, drenched in sweat but refreshed and invigorated rather than tired.  I felt like I had been reborn in the last hour - I had walked in with nothing left to give and by simply being willing to meet the moment, and surrendering to my capacity and greater wisdom minute-to-minute, I was finishing the class remembering how strong, resilient, and alive I am.  I remembered how much ‘Feral Joy’ is available to me if I continue to show up and meet each moment with openness and heart. 

I left the yoga studio in a completely different state – so grounded in my vibrancy in awe of the process of being stripped down to the core once again, but this time in willingness and curiosity. I quickly became excited about the concert again, and later as I danced and sang to my favorite Maggie lyrics, “I walked off you, and I walked off an old me” and “If devotion is a river, then I'm floating away”, I smiled in delight of all that is available to us in this human existence. Life opens to us when we open to it.

My journey from Broken-open to More Myself

This morning I cried so. many. tears. Through the phone, my dad read me pieces of his journal from the weeks leading up to my mom’s death 2 years ago (almost to the date).  He beautifully recorded things I said, things Mom said, etc.  Then, I sent him photos I have of her from 6 days before she departed.

They are painful to look at, odd yet potent memories, and looking at them now I can see things I couldn't then - I can see she was so much further ‘advanced’ in her process at that point than I remember.   

What we couldn’t see or know then, for our own protection so we could stay hopeful and present, always amazes me.  There are so many deeply private and indescribable pieces of being with someone as they die, and in beginning the journey into a life without them. There is no way to prepare. Those weeks broke me open beyond words and understanding. I have been forever changed and carved by the past 2+ years.

One year ago I still felt like I was drowning in the dark many days - wondering who I was, what life would be - without vision for the future, and it scared the hell out of me.  At the same time I could also feel a very faint call to life that I was willing to keep holding on to as I surrendered to the void of grief.

I didn't know how to talk about it, nothing I could say felt profound enough to match everything I was feeling inside.   

The day before the 1st anniversary date last February, I was sitting in my sister's apartment in silence, taking a moment to reset after a particularly hard few days, and I felt a nudge that said “Stay present to the breaking open.”

I didn't quite understand it but I could feel the importance of once again inviting compassion into the heartbreak that was so palpable in and around me. I could feel the importance of allowing myself to be as I was, painfully blown open by love and loss, without needing to be glued back together again.

Last March, I felt like a baby being born, slowly exiting my grief cocoon with tiny (or not so tiny) steps I could commit to one-by-one; first a trip to Chile to be with our family.  While we were there, I was able to see myself from a new light as I realized that I had more energy and capacity than my fears and inner-protections had allowed me to see.  When we returned from our trip, I felt called to go back to yoga, and from there the next tiny steps unfolded. 

Each month of 2022 built on the previous, guiding me into deeper trust, surrender, and belief that while I would carry and honor my story and my mom very closely forever, through this experience new ways of being and living were available to me. And actually, most felt more alive and true to my being than life before (tangible) loss.

Today I am in awe of this on-going journey as I continue to hold space for the pain,  AND I feel free and open in my expressions of joy, creativity, curiosity, uncertainty and grief.  This is particularly beautiful, as I remember the 30+ years of my life when this wasn’t the case- when I was exhaustingly holding it all in, just trying to manage life and “keep it together”.

There are of course still moments when I feel the inner ‘crunchiness’ (contraction) of my system trying to suppress or numb, but after many years of practice and cultivation, I now know how to work with myself in every moment.  

I openly listen inward for the voice that is crying out in pain, despair, anger, or fear.  I welcome presence into those places because I trust myself with myself. 

I lead myself through the overwhelm and moments that make me want to harden, and follow my breath and pulse to guide me back my soft, open, Ellie Flow state. 

And when I get to parts I don’t know what to do with, I allow them be and invite Divine love to pour into those corners of myself.

I am imperfectly free to feel, and through the feeling the power of my energy-in-motion (emotion) releases.  As it does, space is liberated for a deeper connection with mySelf and Life, for more wholeness that is SO ALIVE I can feel it vibrating in my body, for More of Myself.

I’m so proud of the foundation I have cultivated.  With each day of the past many years, a new brick has been laid, and the More Myself experience was silently being created.  

It is such an honor to stand on solid ground today,  forever still ‘in process,’  and offer this container so that you can be held and guided in your broken-openness as you open to the faint call of life again.  I know there is so much available to you through what you have lived – pieces of yourself to release, and pieces of yourself to welcome in. 

I know that the foundation for your next steps forward, no matter how large or small, can be created with love and gentle intention, making space for all of you, at a pace that is born from your heart and body.

This is a sacred journey, one that probably feels scary (better read: TERRIFYING) to say yes to.  What if on the the other side of this terrifying step there was….

+ Safety to feel yourself and your experience fully.

+ Trust that you can learn to be with all of yourself - your pain, your joy, your dreams, your fears…all of it.

+ So much space and energy liberated in your body and being because you allowed yourself to release what you’ve been holding.

+ Belief that others in your life can meet you in your pain and in your joy.

+ Love and compassion for your past versions of self and who you are today.

+ Liberation in not needing to compartmentalize your life anymore because it can all flow together.

+ Creativity and (re)new(ed) vision (with time).

+ Confidence that you can move at your attuned pace, without pushing or force, and you will be in lock step with your soul.

While I can’t tell you exactly what awaits you (because only through your openness, capacity, and readiness will that be revealed), I believe you will be met, held, and guided exactly where you need to be. I believe you will be invited in to awe of yourSelf and process, and all that is possible.  

You are invited into a path of healing and freedom, and you will be supported and equipped every step of the way.

If you’re ready to say yes to the call into More of  Yourself, join me here.

~ 6 weekly calls starting Tuesday, including intimate guidance and tending, expansive teachings and coaching that will help you cultivate your new foundation for Life

~ $999 pay in full or 2 payments of $511

~ Hit reply for any questions.

Also, I recorded a great Instagram live yesterday with teachings and explorations of two foundational areas we will sink into during the first weeks of the program.  No matter where you find yourself today, I believe it will support and enlighten you in your process. 

You can watch the replay (even if you don't have social media) or listen to it in podcast form here!

finding your attuned pace & creating spaciousness to sink in to acceptance in an embodied way

Yesterday, I recorded an instagram live to explore and teach on the power and cultivation of ‘Attuned Pace’, and how Awareness, Acknowledgment, and Acceptance work together to free up energy in our emotional, physical, and energetic systems.

I loved how it turned out, and it was a perfect peak into the first few weeks of my More Myself Group Program the begins next week.

Listen to the replay podcast style here:

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Watch the replay on Instagram here:

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In the first few weeks of the More Myself Group container, starting 2/21, we will lay the foundations for the program by deeply engaging with the energy and healing available through each of these areas.

Join the journey to embodying more of yourself here.